Feeling lost, need advise, my marriage is failing.

[Sweetyassi]

Hi,

This is a long post, so apologies in advance. Is there anyone out there who has been through this? Or am I the only one?

I have been married for 26 years. I have been suffering with many illnesses, chronic pains and cannot work since 2009. Due to my illness my husband has been stressed, moody. I have 3 children who are now young adults now.

Basically, my husband has been put on depression tablets due to me. It's not only me who has suffered my illness, my kids and husband have as well. Me and my kids are very close to each other. My husband has been giving me the silent treatment for long before I became ill. His silent treatments are punishment to me. He can get moody over anything, even if it's not my fault or my kids fault. If a stranger annoys him or says something he doesn't like, he will give me the silent treatment. I am fed up of walking on eggshells around him. He is making me feel scared of him, and i am scared of being alone with him. My kids know how I feel and they all hate my husband for the way he makes me feel. At times I feel suicidal. He has accused me of ruining the marriage because of my illness many times. Each time he does this to me I always forgive him. He never says he is sorry to me or that he's sorry for treating me like this. Even when he's in a good mood I am still scared to talk to him or be alone with him. I feel like I am hiding behind my kids when they are at home. My husband's aura or vibe changes to scary I can feel it and my kids instantly know something is wrong with him and will ask me he is not talking to you ? What happened? His Depression tablets make him now feel nothing towards me. He has said that to me many times. He doesn't want nor can he feel the need to be intimate with me. Which is fine because of my pains I can't and I don't want him touching me anyway especially after the way he treats me. He can talk to my kids but he ignores me. And when he has to say something to me it's with hatred, he never looks at me while he gives me the silent treatment. He can go days and even weeks without talking to me and then suddenly out of the blue he will talk to me as if nothing happened.

This time, however, when it happened last week and he accused me yet again out of the blue I ruined the marriage something snapped inside me and died. I know what he is doing is called emotional abuse. My kids want me to leave him. I know I should but don't know how. I am desperate to talk to someone and get advise. I can't afford a therapist, and my husband has said in the past he won't see a marriage counseller. My doctor knows of the situation and has offered me a one of therapy session which was a waste of time.

I hope what I have written has made sense to someone out there. I just need someone to talk to. Thanks.

[Hidden]

Hello

I felt so sad reading your post and yes you are right there is more than one kind of abuse people think it is physical but just as bad is emotional and sometimes that can be worse either is not acceptable and no one should be staying where either is happening

You have so much of your own issues to deal with and this will be draining and not making your conditions any better

It is not your fault you have ill health and so please do not believe that and neither would this be the reason your marriage is on the rocks the reason I feel is more to do with your Husband who while he is pointing the finger at you I think he has his own problems and is the one ruining what you had but he won't see that as he seems like a controlling bully !

As you are so close to your Children could you not stop with one of them , a friend a relative , once you have left you could apply to the Council that you are homeless and as they call it sofa surfing and because of your health they would make you priority , it sounds like you have a good Doctor who would back you up with a letter etc

Then if you are a Homeowner alongside your Husband you can make him sell it or buy you out which would enable you to either have money in the bank to help you live of or maybe a small deposit on a little property for yourself ?

One thing is living as you are it sounds you will never get any better , just decline through the pressure it is casing and your self worth will be rock bottom but you are worth so much more than this and I hope you find the strength to make the changes you need to x

[Sweetyassi in reply to Hidden]

Hi BeKind28

Thank you for your reply and kind words.

Me and my kids are fed up with his mood swings. One minute he is giving me the silent treatment and then he will start talking to me as if nothing happened and I feel like 'what the hell' I feel so depressed and can't switch it off.

I can't stay at any relatives houses as I have 2 cats and they already have full houses. Can't stay at a friend's house because I have no friends. When I think I have the courage to speak up to him and tell him I want to leave he starts talking to me nicely and then I don't know what to think

This happens a lot throughout the year and it's very stressful. I know I can live without him. My parents could help me figure out the best deals with phones and how to pay the bills as my husband does all that. I have no idea who I can contact for help. And it's scary thinking about telling him I want to leave him. My kids are older and they all live with me, I will not force them to move with me if they don't want to. I know I can't take this anymore.

[Hidden in reply to Sweetyassi]

It is called a control freak that is what he is and what he is doing to you controlling your emotions and how you will feel and when he can see he has pushed a little to far then he starts been ok to draw you back in and then when he can see that has worked he is of again treating you like dirt as this is what they do so they can stay in control I know you speak about the cats but what if your Children could care for them until you were in a position to have them with you ?

Could your parents put you up a short while ?

Could you contact your local Social Services they may be able to help or sign post you to where to get the best support

There will be support out there it is finding it and phoning Social Services asking your Doctor even someone will know what is available in your area

I doubt he is going to change his ways from what you have said but you can change if you are going to allow it and put up with it any longer

Try making a few calls even the Citizens Advice and start taking control back and don't allow him to have it any longer , I am not saying this will not be easy but I have a feeling once done it will be a positive one that you will look back on and wonder why you did not do it a lot sooner x

[Sweetyassi in reply to Hidden]

I hate this, how he makes me feel. I have told him how he makes me feel and he does say he can't help it. Then things will be fine for a bit until something will trigger his bad moods and then the silent treatment kicks in. I can't stay at my parents house because of my cats. My daughter d youngest son work and my oldest son is at college so they can't take care of my cats. My husband works 3 nights and when he's at work I feel like I can breathe, laugh and talk freely without worrying I'm going to upset him.

I will look into getting help because this is getting out of control now. My parents know what my husband is like and they have said to me to be strong and do what I think is right.

Stress makes my pains worse. I suffer with endometriosis, Fibromyalgia chronic pain, chronic depression, vertigo menopause, recovering from compartment syndrome in my right leg. So I'm in constant pain and not once has he ever asked me how are my pains. It's all about him an how he feels.

[Hidden in reply to Sweetyassi]

Am I right in thinking that he has got like this since you became ill and was not like it before you were ill ?I certainly will not make any excuses for him but I suffer with Fibro complex Mental Health issues ( not sure I like the word Mental Health ) which my Husband has always coped with and been very supportive

However back in Oct I had a heart attack , followed by another one in Feb and then March and now waiting Bypass surgery , he is no way treating me like you Husband treats you but what I do know since my heart attacks he has struggled to cope in the sense of it has affected him and his emotions but we do talk things through etc

I wonder if your Husband can just not cope knowing everything you are going through and rather than been a man and talking about it as sick as it is this is the way he is reacting , like I say no excuse and no you cannot carry on like this but it was just a thought as well as really believing he has serious issues of his own !

But I think it is the best thing you can do to make a few phone calls I know there is support out there you just need to find it and by phoning those places I am sure they will point you to where you can get it

Your Parents sound very supportive and when you feel low try looking not at him but the people in your life that do care , parents and children been the most important

Let us know how you get on x

[Sweetyassi in reply to Hidden]

Hi,

He was like this before I fell ill, but nothing this bad. His moods only lasted a couple of hours and then he was fine. Since I have been ill his moods are bad. Sorry to hear that you aren't well yourself, your so lucky that your husband supports you. I have been dealing with my illness by myself, no support from my hubby at all. Sorry to hear that you had heart attack that's terrible. My parents haven't always been understanding or caring, only since I was ill and since they have health issues themselves.

I will let you know how things get and if I do actually leave him. At this moment two of my kids are not talking to him because they are fed up with how he treats me .

[Hidden in reply to Sweetyassi]

Sounds like this is part of his personality and he needs help but obviously he thinks there is nothing wrong and you cannot change him but you can change you and stand up to him and let him know you will stand for it no more and unless he changes ( which I am not sure he can ) you are going

Do it for you and those Children even if they are grown up it cannot be nice for them to have to see all this and show them how strong you are so later in life if they need to be strong they can think , my Mum was I can to x

[Sweetyassi in reply to Hidden]

Hi BeKind28 Yep, he won't change, his dad is the same.

I think you are right, if he won't change his way then I will because I'm at breaking point and can't take this anymore. So I'm going to try and be brave and stand up for myself and talk back to him and tell him how he makes me feel and that I am going to leave him.

[Hidden in reply to Sweetyassi]

Good for you !

I have every faith you have got it in you to do it and once you do you will get stronger and stronger , no one should treat another person this way and the only thing that can stop them is standing up to them ! x

[Sweetyassi in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. You are so right no one should treat a person like that.

[beckum08]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Besides all the emotional issues that psychological abuse causes. Dealing with health issues only cause additional problems. I'm glad you would like to talk with a counselor. You can get a lot of support/tips about what you can do for free by calling the Domestic Abuse Hotline 24/7.

[Sweetyassi in reply to beckum08]

Hi beckmum08

Thank you so much for telling me about the free Domestic Abuse Hotline, glad to hear that something is free. I really do want to talk to someone. I can't even talk to a therapist because they don't know how to help me because of my physical pains.

[beckum08 in reply to Sweetyassi]

I'm glad you are going to call the hotline.

[Alershot1]

It is your husband who needs to move out !! not you . Talk to your children see what they think then your Doctor about what support they can give. Your children should be able to get the ball rolling and they could quietly talk to their Father and see what he thinks and what he wants from you. ie does he want to stay with you or not. Dad have you fallen out of love with Mum that would be easy if not what is he playing at? Your children will be able to get honest answers from him. Is he fed up being trapped in a marriage he no longer wants? Give him the chance to explain his actions through your children! Are you able to cope on your own or would you like your children to stay with you or him. I guess your husband does feel guilt but shows it in a funny way. I think he is in love with you still but feels rejected, not your fault at all. Also say I must have loved this man at one time as I have children to prove it . Love escapes but can be rekindled . If there is a spark a cuddle sometimes goes a long way I know! The other thing is forgive and forget which heals a lot of sins. I would hate for you to do something you regret. Write down for and against in an honest way with your children and maybe if things do get a bit better you husband could do the same. Most of all in times like this keep safe . Try to work out a happy plan. Your husband may think you have gone behind his back with what you have done so try to ask him if you can be brave?! Sometimes things have a way of working their way out . Good luck! Am thinking of my Mother and Father today because they got married 85 years ago today and they were very happy for about 30 years but then things changed but they still stayed together for 60 years until my Mother died then my father lived to 97years old . He always loved her!

[Sweetyassi in reply to Alershot1]

Hi Alershot1

Thank you for your reply.

My husband had said to me that he has no feelings for me. We don't say love you to each other, we don't hug. I spend most of time trying not to be I'm the same room as him if I can. He says it's his medication that is making him have no feelings towards me. My kids are on my side, my kids don't like the way he talks to them or me. I really have had enough of his silent treatment and then suddenly act as if nothing happened a.d starts talking to me. He won't even talk about what happened why he was like towards me. My love for him can't be rekindle, there's touch heartache because it keeps happening and it's going to happen again and again until either I kill myself or leave him. I don't like where I live and its way to close to his parents house. If my husband left they would be round all the time demanding what happened and blame me and not accept that it was my husband's fault. So I'd rather leave the house with my kids if they want to go with me and my cats.

Wow your parents were married for that long. Sorry to hear your mum passed away and then your dad.

[Alershot1 in reply to Sweetyassi]

I am so sorry I brought that into it it was just what the date was today. My mum was going to leave him for years. He loved her always different to your situation I know. As you say you feel all love has gone. Financially it would be better if he went for you of course but if you and the children are financially able to cope why have they not suggested this to each other before? It is their Father after all and perhaps they like the financial side of the present situation. You will think I am siding with him but I am not you deserve a life now but being hateful to him will bring out his worse traits. As I say you deserve a life now you have brought up your children. Not much help I am afraid but please don’t jump out of the frying Pan into the fire but try not to remain a dogsbody any longer either. Love to you and your children. A 1

[Sweetyassi in reply to Alershot1]

Thank you for your reply. Please don't apologise, you can talk about your parents to me. It is always sad when a lived one has passed away even years later it is still painful and you will miss them a lot.

My kids have said to me to leave him and I would like to but as I am not working due to illness I don't know where I could go that isn't expensive. I do have a little money saved up from when I was working so I guess I could rent a house out. I'm not rushing things I just need to know what my options are and where I can go if or when I decide to leave. My eldest son wants absolutely nothing to do with my husband because he hates the way my husband talks to him. Things at home are still stressful.

[Hallyhooyou]

I could have written your story it was so familiar. I didn’t have to stop working due to illness but the rest is your story fits me perfectly. I was married 16 years. This is a problem that is too long to answer for you, but I divorced my husband 10 years ago. That’s how it ended for me after years of emotional abuse if it is helpful to you to know there is the possibility of a good outcome for yourself. Your therapist can help you start to make that switch from being in a dependent relationship to being on your own. Your illness will still be with you, and you’ll need to learn to provide a life for yourself with that particular challenge but you may be surprised at how much better your illnesses get once the stress of a bad marriage is gone. I know I felt a lot better in that regard but it came with time. Adding the pressure of trying to save a dead marriage can make you sicker than ever. Believe me.

[Sweetyassi in reply to Hallyhooyou]

Hi Hallyhooyou,

My daughter says the same thing to me. If I left my husband my health would improve. Stress makes my pains so much worse. I can't even take painkillers as they don't work for me so I just have to go through the pains day and night. I know I wouldn't be depressed if I wasn't with him, and know my pains would be much more tolerate and maybe I would be able to get a part time job if I wasn't living with him.

My therapist keeps discharging me after talking with me as they can't help me because of my pains.

Did you tell your husband that you were divorcing him? Did he leave or you? Hope you don't mind me asking this. If I knew what to do and where I could go and stay then I guess I wouldn't be so scared and I could leave him.

[Hallyhooyou in reply to Sweetyassi]

I left without telling him. I was too scared and he was too unstable for that type of conversation gave to face. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It took me about 10 years to work up the courage to leave my abusive marriage. And my anxiety got worse before it got better. But it DID get better. Even if you initiate the divorce, you don’t magically feel better. It’s a process, but there is so much light at the end of the tunnel! After some time, I’m now my own person and I can deal with my anxiety so much better. No more marriage stress! I don’t even recognize the person I used to be. Wishing you so much luck!

[Sweetyassi in reply to Hallyhooyou]

Thank you for telling me. It must have been scary and stressful to leave your husband without telling him. I have a strong feeling that he will be hearing some home truths and he won't like it and accuse us for ganging up on him. My eldest son already has told me that he hates my husband and wants nothing to do with him as far as he is concerned my husband isn't is dad anymore and isn't talking to my husband.

[Veteran250]

Dear Sweetyassi

It saddens this old man to read your post, and your responses to all of the lovely people who have responded to your post.

It is obvious what he is doing, and he knows it, you say you have been married 26 years, so with respect, you will be about 46 years, In my opinion I would say leave your husband, sooner rather than later. You may have many years still ahead of you, so make them as happy as you can.

With all of your medical problems, you don’t need what your husband is doing to you……. Make the phone calls my lovely, get all the help you can, and leave him as soon as you can…. It sounds like your children are old enough to make up their own minds.

I wish you good luck, and hopefully a better life for yourself.

Take care and stay safe!

Don 🙂🦋🌹

[Sweetyassi in reply to Veteran250]

Hi Don,

Thank you for your reply.

I am actually 45 years old. However with all my illness and pains I feel like I am 100 years old.

Thank you for your advice. I know what I have to do. You all have said it to me in this post. It's so scary for me to actually tell him how I feel. When is the right time to give bad news to someone? I don't think there is a right time.

I need to save money to rent a place out for me and my kids. I can't live with my parents or relatives I do have 2 cats to think about as well. I know in my heart my kids will come with me. I need to find out who to contact for help, and how to leave him. I do have a lot of thins to pack. So I can't just grab a few things and leave.

I have never lived on my own, never done anything on my own, my husband pays all the bills. That's so sad especially in this day and age, I should know how to pay bills. This is very scary but I am going to find out all the information I need and tell him that I have had enough and that I am leaving him. I can't take this anymore and neither can my kids.

Sweety.

[Veteran250 in reply to Sweetyassi]

If you need to get something off your chest Sweety, or just chat, you can PM me, but of course the choice is yours?

Take care and stay safe ❤️

[Sweetyassi in reply to Veteran250]

Hi Don,

Thank you so much. I might just do that when I can.

Have a lovely Friday and weekend.

Sweety