Fed up of getting the silent treatment from hubby😔

Hi everyone.

My hubby has mood swings and when he's angry, feeling depressed, or annoyed with someone or if someone upsets him he gives me the silent treatment. Sometimes he won't talk to me a 1-2 days.

My phone stopped working after he put in a new SIM card, and he felt frustrated that he couldn't get the help from the phone company he needed, so he stopped talking to me. I know I did nothing wrong or said nothing wrong to him. This effects my children too and stresses them and me out. I'm not well due to have an operation to remove endo. I have been ill since 2009. My hubby has given me so many silent treatment since I've been ill, and this time it really got to me. So I decided to give him a taste of what he does to me and how I feel. I always feel like he has broken my heart and he once he's gotten over his silent treatment with me he'll act as if nothing happened. That leaves me feeling like I can't talk to him anymore about anything. I'm scared of talking to him. I always forgive him but it hurts so much.

Because I didn't reply back to him this morning quickly as I had food in my mouth, he just walked away and is moody all over again and not talking to me. I tried talking to him but he replies back rudely to me.

I just don't know what to do😢

Was I in the wrong to give him a taste of the silent treatment? Should I apologise to him and carry on pretending that this doesn't hurt me?

Sweety.

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  • Hello

    Well I know one thing is I would not put up with been treated in this way and it would make my anxiety go up if someone was !

    He is acting like a spoilt child , if he has issues of his own causing this I do not know but it is totally unacceptable

    I do not think you are wrong giving him so of his own medicine back and neither do I think you should jump and ask how high when he seems to be demanding you do

    Everyone is different and know one can tell you what to do as this is your marriage but for me I would be telling him that either he listens and changes start or it is over , but as I say that is just me this might not be the way for you to go only you know that

    We can never change anyone else and how they act they have to do that all we can change though is us and how we react

    We can be hear to listen but somehow you have to decide where you want to go with this and people will try & support you :-)

    Remember though you are worthy of been treated with respect and deserve no less :-)

    Take Care x

  • Hi lulu-1,

    Thank you for replying to me.

    My hubby works nights, he can only manage 3 nights as he finds it hard. I understand working nights if hard. But he has changed a lot. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him most of the time. We have some good days but even then I'm still scared of saying something that might upset him. The only times that I can think of when he is in a good mood is having sex. Sometimes his good mood will last a few days but then he's goes back to not talking to me. My kids are fed up as well. They say he's acting like a child. Or he's on his periods.

    I think I love him still, but, I don't know. I'm always there for him no matter what, but I've noticed lately he's not there for me, he won't say encouraging things. My anxiety and stress levels are always high around him, but when he's at work I'm fine, I feel like I can breathe again and my kids they play fight and laugh.

    It's difficult to think what to do.

    Sweety.

  • When my son was about 3/4 he had a reward chart. He got stars for good behaviour and bananas for bad behaviour. Following what can only be described as a tantrum by my husband (a plate of food was upturned on the kitchen floor) my son chipped up "how come Daddy doesn't get a banana for that?" "Good question I said". Next day I bought a second reward chart for Daddy with a massive banana on it. For the next 2-3 days I awarded Daddy stars and bananas. It got over two points; that his behaviour was child like and that his bad behaviour was frequent. His behaviour did improve after that.

  • Hi FXP_OK,

    Thank you for your reply. Much appreciated it. That's a very good idea and I think I might steal your idea if it's alright with you?

    Not sure if it would work on my hubby but I'm willing to try anything.

    Sweety.

  • Well perhaps you could apply the principle by just keeping a diary of the event's that bother you and then show it to him after a week or two. For me what I wanted to demonstrate was how often he was unreasonable. I don't think he realised.

  • I do keep a daily diary of how my day went, how I felt, how my pains and stress levels were and i always write down how my hubby was with me. I've never shown him my diary as I know he won't read it and mostly it's my only time I can vent out.

    Sweety.

  • Reading back through what Lulu was saying, I think she's right in saying you need to decide whether you're going to tolerate his mood swings. Maybe you should get a highlighter pen and highlight all the entries about him and make him read them. It's hard to know the best tactic without knowing him but the main point is to stop putting up with it. Stand up for yourself. Make yourself heard. Another thing I did with my husband was to video his tantrums on my phone and then play them back to him later. Might be a bit tricky to record a whole 3 day silence though! Perhaps the diary option is better!

  • Yeah you're right, I should highlight the entry about him and show it to him. Sometimes I get the feeling from him that only he has the right to be angry and not me. When he knows I'm angry he'll say forget about it now, what's done is done, or no need to get angry and then he will laugh at me.

    I'm becoming scared to talk to him about anything even when he's in a good mood, my anxietyand depression has become so bad lately that I hide it so well from that he doesn'tknow. Only my children do.

    Sweety.

  • :)

  • hi im sorry ur going tbrough such a hard time,its the worst thing being ignored i would hate that must make an uncomfortable atmosphere esp- when u have children they would know somethings not right and would just add to ur pain u need to seat him down and tell him how its effecting u and how much it hurts u his being out of order and i dont think ur in the wrong at all! Maybe u should both get relate counciling its better then just keeping silent coz u cant go on like this but there is hope for all if u and ur a mum like me and ur strong so u will be ok take care and good luck let me know how it all goesxx

  • Hi,

    My hubby knows how his mood effects me and says he will try to be better but it never lasts. Maybe a few hours or a few days. It's becoming hard to talk to him and make him see things my another point of view. I have asked him lets go counselling and he says no we will sort it out. 2 of my children are suffering with depression due to all the stress at home. Hubby says he will change but I'm not holding my breath.

    How are you doing?

    Sweety.

  • hope u got my message

  • Hi, yes I got your message and replied back.

  • Sounds like something is wrong with him so don't blame yourself. I don't know the solution and I can't give much advice, but if you need a chat there are lots of great people on here (as I am sure you know) that will listen to you.

  • Thank you. My hubby has changed since I've became ill in 2009 and that's when he started working nights and that's when his mood swings changed. He doesn't like it when you criticise him about anything or tell him he's wrong. Everyone has noticed he has changed, even his own mum, she even said it to him and he got angry at her and told her to leave the house. He loves moaning about anything and everything. I'm stuck I can't leave him, I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have a job and my children are still at school/college I'm due to have an operation, I'm just waiting for a date. I'm to scared to talk to him.

    Thanks everyone for replying back to me and for the advice, much appreciated.

    Sweety.

  • Pop on here for a chat then if you want company. I hope things can be sorted for you.

  • Thank you Jim Tim, I really appreciate it.

    This morning out of the blue I got a text from my hubby saying he is sorry for the way he treated me these last few days. I wish he could have apologised to me face to face. He's now talking to me as if nothing happened.

    Sweety.

  • It's odd really, maybe something is worrying him.

  • He always talks to me about his problems, whatever is on his mind. That's leaves me feeling exhausted just listening to him. I don't get a chance to tell him my problems, when I do his reply is always negative nothing positive comes out of his mouth.

    Sweety.

  • It's strange, I'm not sure what to say really. But do pop on for a chat if yer stuck.

    Surely it will be sorted out.

  • Thank you, I will. I find it difficult to know what's going on inside his head.

    Sweet.

  • Maybe he doesn't know either.

  • Yeah maybe,I guess I should find a psychicpersonto find out what's going on inside him.

    Sweety

  • Maybe you are on to something there..

  • A text is a start. At least he's recognised that he needed to apologise. It probably took quite a lot in his mind to do that much. He communication skills clearly aren'the his strong suit. It sounds to me like you've fallen out of love with him. Is that the case? You said you're stuck and can't leave which implies that you want to. Do you? Sometimes it takes saying that to someone to make them realise that the situation needs urgent attention. Don't think that just because you feel you can't leave means you have no options. You do. You just have to think about things differently.

  • I ask myself that same question. Do I still love my hubby? Do I want to leave him? I really need to think hard, at times when all is good I love him but not like I used to. If I left him, I have nowhere to go, I can't work due to my ill health and can't support my children, I'm due to have a n operation soon, I'm just waiting for a date. I would have liked it if he had apologised to my face rather than a text. My children say when he treats me like this that I should go stay at my parents house for a few days, but I don't as I need to make sure my kids eat breakfast and ready on time for school/college.

    Sweety.

  • It sounds to me like you've brought up some lovely caring kids there. I have to say that perhaps they are right. Sounds like you need some head space. A college age child can not only get themselves up and fed but are even capable of helping their younger siblings do the same. How old are they? You have to think about the effect on them too. It probably upsets them to see you upset. Not only will they not resent you taking a bit of time out for yourself but they'll respect you for it. I feel such a deep empathy for your situation because I was there too. My son is only 9. He needs his mum and dad there. We now live as a family but we're not a couple. I know I couldn't cope on my own because of my own issues so I've stayed; but it's very much on my terms now. It works much better for me knowing I no longer feel like a door mat. He can no longer get away with treating me like a 2nd class citizen. My son is my focus and my husband knows that. He also couldn't cope on his own. I'm not saying it's ideal but everyone gets what they need and it beats constantly arguing about our "relationship". That's done but our family is still together for my son's sake.

  • I have 3 children my daughter is 19yrs, my son is 17yrs and my other son is 16yrs old. My kids are very caring and protective of me, they don't like seeing me in pain or crying. I'm trying hard to keep pace and love in the family. There'sonly so much I can take and I will definitely go to my parents house. That will definitely wake my hubby up and realise that his behaviour is wrong and it's effecting the whole family. Sometimes I feel we are strangers living in the same house.

    Sweet.

  • Well I'm guessing that even making that decision (about going to your parents) has made you feel a bit more in control of your destiny. Your daughter is old enough to be left in charge of keeping the boys on the straight and narrow should you need to take off. Sit them down now and ask for them to commit to supporting you by not giving you cause to worry about them if you do take a break away. That's your short term plan sorted. In the medium term, you need to get through and recover from your surgery. Concentrate on that and I think the long term plan will become clearer after that.

  • Yes definitely, I need to feel in contro.I can't help being ill as I know it's not my fault I got this illness. I want to be in controlof my happiness and health so I can recover properly and get a job. I'm fed up of the way my hubby treats me.i think when he does this again I will definitely go to my parents house and that will scare him as he thinks I won't do anything.

    Sweety.

  • That's my girl! You have the right to be happly. We all do. As I said I feel a lot of empathy for your position so if you want to message me direct, I'm happy to be a sounding board if things get tricky or if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on. It sounds like you've made a small but significant step in the right direction. Good for you..xx

  • Thank you. It's scary taking a big step or small step thinking that next time this happens I will stay at my parents house. I just hope I don't stress my children out.

    I will message you when need to, you can do the same if you need to talk.

    Sweety.

  • Thanks. Good to know someone's in your corner if you need them...xxx

  • Yeah it's nice not being alone in this. Thanksfor chatting with me and replying back to me, much appreciated.

    Sweet.

  • He is returning to childhood as he finds life hard to cope with...

    Sorry but it is not your fault, he needs to talk to a therapist....

    You cannot live the rest of your life like this, nor can your children or they will pick up on his negative habits...

    Best wishes

  • Hi stde,

    I have mentioned this to him, that he needs to talk to someone. He has said no, I also mentioned seeing a marriage counsellor he said don't need strangers knowing about our life, nothing is wrong with us.

    I have told my children not to act or talk like my hubby does. They are fed up as well when he doesn't talk to me.

    Sweety.

  • Has he considered seeing the Doctor....It sounds like periodic depression....

    He needs to talk .

  • He knows he has depression and some anxiety at times, but he won't take medication. He didn't like the fact he has to take his asthma pump. He hates taking any pain killers.

    Sometimes I think he's bipolar. I have spoken to my GP about my hubby and my GP thinks it depression. My hubby won't see my GP about it.

    Sweety.

  • Well tell him this...

    I wasted 47 yrs fighting bipolar wee brother....

    When I " gave in" my life has changed for the better, not just for me but everyone around me....

    How many people will suffer because of his pride, I wish I had taken them sooner!!!!

  • Wow, I really do want my hubby to change. I can't make him, he's got to be willing to change for the better. I feel he will become a bitter old man. I wish he would go see the doctor and take depression tablets, I think life would be nicer, calmer at home.

    Sweety.

  • Hi.

    He obviously has some kind of problems going on but I'm not sure what they are but he shouldn't be taking it out on you, definitely not to this extent anyway.

    Maybe give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't go to the docs or counselling on his own or together (whichever you think would help best) then you're gonna hafta think about leaving him? Try and give him the shock he may need.

    Do you not have anywhere you could stay, friends or family, even if just for a few nights to give him time to see what he's got and that he should appreciate it?

    I left my husband last year because he started to become really angry and we just weren't talking to each other it was like living with a stranger even tho I still loved him. I told him that I still loved him and the exact reasons I had to leave and also left a letter to remind him. We were seperated for 3 months but still stayed in contact and it was the best thing I ever did. He was totally shocked that I would actually leave him and not just carry on putting up with his crap and he has become a totally different person, the person I fell in love with years ago. He is the most fantastic, supportive husband I could wish for and the time apart made us realise how much we loved each other and also showed me that I needed to change. (It was easier for us than you as we don't have children).

    If it is an option it could work and be the best thing you do but you do need to be willing to risk it knowing it could back fire and he might not change or might not wanna make it work so you need to know if you think you could actually be seperated for good if it came to that, if not then it may not be an option for you.

    Hope I may have been of some help.

    L x

  • Hi, Lrobson,

    Sorry to hear that you had to go through that.

    I could go to my parents house but I don't know how they will take it. I have told him in the past that I will go to my parents house and he said to just tell him to snap out of it. That I'm the only person holding this family together.

    You have helped me, thank you. Next time my hubby gives me the silent treatment I will definitely go stay at my parents house for a few days, it will be difficult for me as I don't like staying away from my children as we are very close.

    Sweety.

  • The problem is you can't tell someone to snap out of it, it's probably the worst thing to hear! Does he not come round if you just give him a big hug or ask him why he's giving you the silent treatment? At the end of the day you're there for him but he has to open up to you. I think maybe just giving him some sort of shock he may realise he needs help, you could say I'll come back but only once you've made an appointment to see....?

    For me personally (and my husband agrees but still hates that I left him) it was the best thing I ever did for us individually and as a couple.

    L x

  • That's so true, that's why I don't say it to him. No he won't even look at me, if he looks at me it's with hatred in his eyes. I do ask him why he's giving me the silent treatment, and he'll say he doesn't want to talk about it. My hubby will regret it if I did leave him, he says he can't live without me.

    Sweety.

  • Maybe if he says he doesn't want to talk about it tell him that's absolutely fine but if he ever does your here to listen and not to give you the silent treatment as it isn't how he should treat you then walk off and leave him to think about it. Yeah I had the whole I'll kill myself if you leave me shit going on but in the end I had to do it so he knew he couldn't continue treating me like rubbish and then thinking he could just say sorry and everything would be fine. I think men need to be shocked and physically shown that you're not gonna take it anymore rather than just telling them as they still think they can carry on xx

  • I always ask him if he wants to talk about anything that's bothering him, and I always say I'm here for him. I know for a fact that if he does this again I know my heart won't take it and I will shock him my going to my parents house. He can't keep doing this to me and I'm becoming scared to be in the same room as him.

    Sweety.

  • Being scared of him makes it even more serious that you need to get out, that's the worst way to feel I really hope you do go to your parents for a bit. How do your kids feel about it I saw above they are pretty much adults now, this must be effecting them and they're old enough to understand, do they have any problems with him or any input? I really feel for you because it sounds so similar to my relationship but I didn't have children to worry about. You've said about the illness you have, I don't expect you to say what it is but I was wondering if you're gonna be 'fixed' after the op? If so it will be much easier after. I know exactly where you're coming from saying you don't know if you love him, relationships kinda suck sometimes!!! If you ever wanna msg me you can, I'm sure there is a way to private chat... even if it's just for a chat as it seems like we've been in a similar siuation.

    L x

  • Hi, if my kids were to say something to my hubby then he would say tell them 'it's non of your business' and be more mood. It does effect my kids, they don't like it and are fed up as well, they think he acts like a child. They always say I should go to stay with my parents as this has a negative impact on my health.As for my illness I have endometrioisis, there's no cure for it, no medication works for me, I'm in pain night and day, the only thing that helps is having an operation to remove the endo, but it always returnsquicklyfor me. Stress can make my pains worse. Sorry to hear you went through something like this to. You cam PM me anytime you like.

    Sweety.

  • I don't know anythint about that but it doesn't sound much fun! What would your kids do if you left? I think if even your kids are telling you to leave (and they're not little children they should be old enough to understand) then maybe you need to gain the courage to do it, especially if you dont want to be with him anymore. Your gonna need a lot of help and support after your op and it doesn't sound like he's going to give you that...

    Don't feel sorry, my issues with my husband are sorted now, just gotta sort my own nutcase head out now!!

    L xx

  • Hi, no it's not fun having endometrioisis it's very painfuland I wouldn't wish it upon anyon. My daughter and youngest son said they will come with me they don't want to stay at home if I'm not there, as for my eldest son he's close to his dad, but he doesn'tlike the way he treats me, I know my son would stay at home with my hubby as he doesn'twant his dad to be on his own. I can't live without my kids and it's not fair on them to choosewho they love more and where they want to stay. I just want my kids to be happy and feel they are loved equally. My parents would look after me after my operation but they are old and have health issues themselves and I don't want to burdenthem with me being there.

    Sweety

  • Go out with your girlfriends. Go to a bar, find a nice guy and have an affair. Life is too short to deal with that nonsense. . . . He treats you that way because he can. . . .

  • I can't go out with friends, I don't have any. I haven't had any friends since 2009 that's when I became ill. Your right, life is too short and one shouldn't spend life feeling depressed by their loved one.

    Sweety

  • That's where you start. Get out and "tend and befriend". Find a group to join, book club, library group, enrichment course at a local community college. Your life revolves around the illness and his mood. Both would make someone sad and anxious. Time to do something good for you, even if it is something small.

  • Thank you for the advice much appreciated. I will definitely join a book club, I love reading.

    I never do anything that makes me happy, I'm always trying to make my hubby and children happy that there's no time for me.

    Sweety.

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