I'm brand new in this group, first time I've gone into a group to post about my issues, so please know I'm absolutely to far on the wrong side of desperation. I've tried research on my own but can't focus for even as long as a squirrel...on a caffeinated high.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder when I was 15. I got married at 17. My first marriage lasted until I was 25 and he decided I was the devil. He was later tagged with a name I can't remember that is used instead of calling a person a psychopath (?). It's funny the things your mind will remember that seem inconsequential, like I remember that I laughed when he said it and my response was, "Well, I'm glad you don't think of me as a lower level demon." That sort of response was bad because it showed I had a spine and a brain, I guess, and I normally got my behind in some sore spots.
He's now in prison and has been there for 3 years this time, I think. He's sharing that prison with our son, Michael, who's 19 as of this past February. The ex for burglary and some other stuff, but my son's in for murder. He'll serve 29 years of a 30 year sentence. He's was arrested at 15, after shooting his adoptive father (long story) who was, according to court records, supposed to be asleep.
About the time he was going to hearings to decide whether he was charged as a juvenile or an adult, I noticed a spike in my irritability and my temper went from negative anything to rage + 100 in .02 seconds flat. Then we (I've been remarried for 13 years and we have a 5 year-old) found out I was pregnant. I had thought about having another baby because I felt guilty that our youngest son would grow up alone, but I had some trouble with BP and was afraid that it was too risky to try. I recognize this as the first serious thought I formed based mostly on my anxiety that I wasn't aware of yet. When I was 19 weeks pregnant, Michael, who'd been in solitary confinement in a county jail for 2 years, decided to plead guilty and had attorney was either on drugs, super stupid, or unconcerned, and let Michael plead out to the original 30 years. At 20 weeks, we had a stillborn baby boy that I just called Angelito, 'Little Angel' in Spanish.
Major Depressive Disorder hadn't been much of an issue to speak of... Until this point. I quit reading my Bible or Praying, I hardly ever talked to anyone besides my son, and I have no idea where two months, give or take a day or two, disappeared to, but I can't remember them. I mean NOTHING. Now, in 2011 I was diagnosed with GAD and Panic disorder with mild agoraphobia and PTSD. But, all I heard were names, and I guess I should've had a map drawn for me because I didn't see or know or whatever that these conditions were locking me down just as effectively as solitary confinement controlled Michael.
EVERYTHING, all of these 'words' hit me at one time about 3 months ago. I don't mean all in one day but one after the other in such a short time frame, that now, today, I have not gone in public at all, and have hardly gone out my front door. I have zero energy, I'm always tired but can't sleep longer than 3 hours a day and never at night! I can't remember things, if I pick it up? Please know it will be lost in 10. I'm terrified people I love are going to die or that I am going to die and leave them. I'm particularly terrified of KNOWING I'm going to die. Not at some future time, but like being diagnosed with something or having heart problems and knowing I'm dying while I'm in the PROCESS of it!
I'm almost positive I'm going insane and I'll cry a good bit, but at least I'm not in such a mess that my husband is afraid too leave me alone. I think I may have been suicidal at one point if not for the fear of hurting or of doing it wrong. There are 3 adults that I know 100% know what's happening, my husband and momma, and my best friend. A 4th adult possibly knows, my stepdad. And then there's my precious boy. I try really hard to not let myself slip in front of him, but he's not the average kid.
I'm on 150mg. Effexor XR but it's not helping at all with the anxiety. My husband asked if it could actually make anxiety or panic worse. And I'm still sad the majority of every day. I need a handle on this quick because I realize that Mason is 5 and has never seen me on the right medicine. He's never seen me laugh right out loud and mean it.
Any suggestions for some way to get quick relief of something, really right now I'm just at the 'close your eyes and pick one' stage, would be amazing. I'm going to visit my doctor next week about trying needs I've never been on. I'm on the Effexor now, 1mg Xanax which I usually break in half and take if I get to a point where I can't catch my breath and stuff, and 10mg of buspar that is supposed to help the Xanax work. But I take it daily even if I don't take the Xanax.
In the past I've been on Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Wellbutrin, annnnd I can't remember but there's at least 2 more.
sorry,i'm doing it again, but, why are the mornings so hard?
New to group I'm scared
I'm sorry if I seem like a downer...😕 I'm just scared about life right now.
Happy new year long time no see sorry not been on here had a strange week 
My panic attacks lately
