i feel like such a piece of shit parent

[Lexirae_]

Backstory if anyone hasn’t seen my other posts I’m agoraphobic, like bad, can’t step off my stoop for more then a minute without panicking and having intense vertigo and panic, I haven’t left my house in almost 10 months. So my 5 year old son starts his first day of kindergarten on Tuesday, and he’s SO excited, I mean like literally so exited to learn and make new friends, and meet his teacher, all that cool fun stuff, on the first day the parent/guardian to take the child to school the first day, and he can take the bus from then on, but Im so afraid to leave my house.. I want to try and work up to it so I can do this on Tuesday.. I feel so bad, I mean my boyfriend can do it but my son is literally begging me and I want to be there for this moment soooo bad 🥺 it makes me feel like absolute shit that I’m 22 years old and can’t leave my house, I feel like I’m tainting my him, he looked at me before he went to bed and said “your anxiety will be okay, alright? We can have fun when I go to school, I want you to take me and you’ll be okay” I didn’t even realize he knew about my anxiety because I try to hide it, I feel like shit that I can’t do this for him. I feel like he deserves so much better, he has everything he can ever want, and all he wants is for mommy to take him to school, and mommy to take him to the park, and mommy to take him places (I pay my sister to take my kids to parks, amusement parks, shopping etc) Like why can’t I do this for my baby?! If not for anything else why not for him. He’s literally my little best friend, and I’m literally all he’s got (his fathers in jail) and he’s so smart and starting to realize stuff, and I’m soooo upset with myself for my kids😭 if anyone who’s ever had agoraphobia and beat it, please please give me any tips, advise etc, because I NEED to do this, he’s literally stuck to me like glue at all times, and I feel like if I don’t do this, he won’t go, so I really need to do this for him. Pics of me and my little best friend ❤️ Any advise helps, idc if you tell me to throw myself outside and throw myself in the grass until panic stops (I’ve thought about it lol) anything helps and I’ll be trying everything tomorrow morning ! Thank you

[hypercat54]

Hi you aren't a s*** parent. You have anxiety and agoraphobia. If you are not already then seek treatment from your doctor. A counsellor should be able to help too. A self help tip is to feel the fear and do it anyway. The fear isn't going to kill you so you need to work through it. When you try leaving your home (only to your garden) and you feel panic overwhelming you then stop and concentrate on how you feel. Learn some breathing exercises online and consciously stop yourself from hyperventilating. This is what is causing the panic and vertigo. Once you have got this under control then take a few steps further taking it as slow as you need to. Does it help to have someone else with you?

This will take time though so I think it would be far better for someone else to take your son to school otherwise your panic is bound to affect him and you don't want that. Good luck. x

[Lexirae_ in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you so much, the vertigo and racing heart is what scares me the most, and the deeper I breathe the faster I feel like I’m going to pass out because I’m a shallow breather and slouch soooo bad, my brother lives with me and I feel bad for him too because I literally can never be alone, and having someone definitely helps, thank you! I had agoraphobia 3 years ago but only for a month, and it wasn’t this bad and I got through it by telling myself if I’m gonna die out here from something the same thing would happen inside and it worked wonders but this time around I’m 100x more afraid of the intense panic

[hypercat54 in reply to Lexirae_]

You get the vertigo, the dizziness and the racing heart because the deeper and harder you breathe the more you hyperventilate. This causes a build up of carbon dioxide in your blood thus causing your physical symptoms.

The secret is to learn some anxiety breathing exercises online and do those as soon as you start to panic. You need to consciously slow down your breathing to avoid the hyperventilating. x

healthline.com/health/hyper... x

[Lexirae_ in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the advise, I’m going to read it and practice it tomorrow. Regardless I’m going to try my best to go somewhere!!

[hypercat54 in reply to Lexirae_]

Go slow though. Only baby steps and remember sometimes you take one step forward and 2 back so don't be discouraged. It will take time and patience. x

[Amz1987]

This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m at the point where I’ve been missing my older two sons important things at school where as I used to go to everything. They get so sad and upset and it’s not how I want to live. My 3rd son starts kindergarten next year and we have to do 3 transition days at the end of the year and I’m already dreading it. I’ve had to cancel swimming lessons because I can’t sit there with how I’m feeling any more and worried about fainting while there etc dropping my youngest two at day care has been awful I won’t make small talk with their teachers if I can avoid it. I have no choice at all I have to leave my house I’ve got no one else as my husband runs his own business and leaves before the kids are awake and I have no family that live within a 5 hour drive. I don’t even like being at home alone with them in fear that something will happen when I’m on my own with them. It’s not fair that we have to go through this!

I hope that you can take him, try find something that you can say to yourself in your head like this too shall pass or I’m ok and nothing bad is happening, look how happy my son is etc

[Lexirae_ in reply to Amz1987]

Thank you so much and I’m sooo sorry as well! It’s terrible! No one else in my family has anxiety and doesn’t get it, they’re not like mean about it but they’re not understanding either, I my 3 year old starts headstart on the 5th but she has her dad, I want to be there for her as well, but I’m really the only one he has and he understands more then her, it’s literally a 7 minute drive but to me that’s like an eternity ugh, I feel like it’s worse because I got into a relationship and he does most of the running around and it’s easier for me to just not leave but I know I have to push myself, I’ve made myself soooooo bad. I hope you feel better in conquering your anxiety and fears, thank you for the advise, I’m going to try to go out tomorrow and force myself to go somewhere at least 😭

[Hidden]

Hello Lexirae

Great advice from hypercat for you.

Your son sounds like a mature little guy. Explain to him as soon as possible today that you are too unwell to go outside and take him tomorrow. Make him feel that he is a brave boy and helping you to be well.

It’s not as if he will be going to kindergarten with a stranger.

Its sounds like you have had an incredibly hard time and tried so hard to manage.

When our lives feel out of control we can become more and more controlling. You have exaggerated all your reasonable fears to yourself to an extent that you’re at a standstill. Give in. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself and start again.

Trust modern medicine to help. It will give you a safe space to sort out your feelings in a calm way. It’s not a quick fix. It doesn’t make problems disappear overnight. You have to do some work. Here’s the thing though, you don’t have to take this kind of medication for life....unless you tell yourself that you can’t manage without and become dependant. See?

One has to be careful what one tells oneself. So, you are not a shit parent. You are a Mum trying to do her best.

As you get stronger and braver, life will get better. Promise.

[Wearyofthebattle]

I encourage you to please just go. Tell yourself you can run back home afterwards, but just do it. Whatever you think is going to happen, whatever you are panicking about will NOT happen. You won’t faint or die. Panic is a lie. If your mind can create thoughts of fear, it also has the power to create thoughts of calm and peace and confidence. I promise you will be forever grateful and proud of yourself if you do this for your son. Just do this this one time, and it will be a start. Your child’s smile will be your reward.

[fib4]

you have to trace back to when it all started what caused it.something had to trigger it. i have it a little bit but force myself to go out. it isn't easy but you have to overcome the fear or it will ruin your life. you're young and it's no way to live you are missing out on so much. take it slow your mind is a powerful thing and i believe we can overcome anything if we give it a try

[Lexirae_ in reply to fib4]

I’ve had anxiety since I was 16 (ever since my first pregnancy) and it got worse and worse and I had another baby and it got worse again and then for a whole year it went away, literally no panic attacks, no anxiety no agoraphobia whatsoever, and came back the past January, it came back after I binged game of thrones lol as weird as it might sound, but I stayed up all night and slept during the day for like two weeks, and ever since then my sleep has been the same way, complete insomnia, idk if that could affect me that bad though, and also realized I gained weight because to me gaining weight means more unhealthy stuff and more anxiety etc :/ I went outside today for a half hour, I only made it to my car and panicked but it’s more then I’ve done in a long time! Thank you!!

[fib4]

meditation and yoga are great too. when my heart starts racing at work i meditate and visualize and it brings it back to normal what's really fun is getting anxiety attack and heart palpitations while driving LOL!!!! that's always a challenge LOL!!!! but i have to work so i have to get over it i also make jewelry to de-stress

[Want2BHappy3]

That's terrible living like that, your.issing on so much you'll Never get that time back. I enjoyed those times, now I'm helping out at my grandsons school. You should seek out a counselor that can come to your house, my cousin has someone who does. I have a niece who hasn't been outside in about 10 years or more. I've tried to help her, she'd call me asking me to take her out sometimes. She always backed out, there is No way I could help her. I suggested counciling to her, she in her 30's now, you can't make the horse drink the water. You should dig down deep and get it under control, this will be the only memories that your son will have of you.

[robsapphire]

You may want to check out the website retrainingthebrain.com - DNRS by Annie Hopper. It(dvd's) can be done at home. The success stories are encouraging.