So I think my main problem is loneliness. When I’m at my family’s everything is okay. When I’m with friends everything is okay. But the second I am alone I start panicking and getting symptoms - can’t breathe and heart racing with the feeling I’m going to faint or have a heart attack or a stroke.
Besides that, I am also afraid when I’m surronded with people I don’t really know that well. I can’t help but think if anything happens, no one will give a damn.
Also, went to my first college lecture today (been absence first 2 weeks of semester because of anxiety and fear) and I felt so weird, like I couldn’t tolerate the lights in the classroom, it was too bright and it gave me fatigue. Lot of people had seasonal flu and I suddenly found myself covering my nose and mouth with scarf and going to the toilet to wash my hands so often. Hold my breath during lecture as long as I could not to catch a virus! Am I going mad?
Is it loneliness that I’m afraid of? Is it uncertainity? Stepping out of a comfort zone? I just feel so low when I can’t do things that used to make me happy. I also gained weight by not being able to do anything but be in bed or sit still! I’m scared of any movement that will make my heart race. Ughh.
I am taking meds and I haven’t had a full blown panic attack since taking them so they mostly keep my physical symtoms in check, but still... so frustrated that I just can’t continue to live like before, and I feel like a failure and hate myself for what I’ve become. I lost the only friend that I had and I keep thinking my bf will also give up on me as well as my family. Can’t get through the day without taking 2-3h long “naps”. Just feel really hopeless.