I don't think I could feel any lower

[vh005506]

I don’t know where to start. I feel awful. I feel like I just can’t do this world anymore. Im not right for it. I just hate myself all the time. I really can’t do this. Theres something wrong with me. I just hate everything in my life.

I don’t know what to do:

All my course friends don’t like me. They don’t invite me to anything anymore and barely speak to me. And its not like we weren’t close. We all used to be so close. But gradually in uni people drift apart (which I don’t mind) but being ignored and constantly feeling like they are bitching about you is another thing. I just can’t stand it. Im trying to take each day as it comes, but the minute I start feeling alright something happens or I’m reminded of how shit everything is.

I just want to go home. But thats silly. I can’t just run away from it. I need my degree as without it I’m really stuffed. its the only thing I have going for me. And I doubt ill be any happier at home. I just want to feel safe secure and loved.

Right now I just feel lonely and hated. Especially by myself.

I can’t see any way out of anything.

Theres just something wrong with me.. I feel like gradually all of my friends will do the same and go off me.

No one loves me and no one will ever love me.

I love my mum and dad and sister and they are frankly the only thing stopping me from killing myself. Don’t get me wrong I have some good friends in uni and at home but I just really can’t do any of this anymore.

My anxiety is horrific.on saturday night I felt so sick I couldn’t eat and forced myself to go out, I could barely drink (not normal for me). I am glad I went and I felt good that night and the following morning. But the next evening I just felt shit again.

In the last year I think I’ve got really drunk to try and block everything out. So I’ve made some mistakes, and have acted in ways I don’t like. And I hate myself for it. It haunts me every day.

I just don’t see any way out of all of this. As theres no-one to blame or situation: its just me. Its my fault. Wherever I go this unhappiness will follow and I just don’t think I can live a life like this, I am so unhappy I can’t even put it into words.

I don’t want to admit it to people as I hate feeling like a burden and I despise pity even more than that. I just can’t do this anymore.

I feel I’m just destined to be unhappy. I’m just tired of being strong, I feel like I’ve had shit to deal with for years. I mean my childhood wasn’t the happiest because of my mums drinking and shes a lot better now and I have forgiven her and we do now have a good relationship but I just feel like I’m always going to be crying into my pillow wishing my life would end.

I just want this anxiety to go away. I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me. No wonder people don’t like me. I don’t like me.

[1973m]

Hi, the fact you’ve written this means you’re asking for help and you want to feel better that’s a good start .. you are aware of what you’re like and how you come across.. that in its self tells me you’re a nice person...! The problem is because people don’t fully understand about anxiety they don’t know how to act around people who suffer ... im sure you are well liked .. you are obviously away from home and your family which makes how you’re feeling really tough .. when I’m feeling low I just want to run home too .. where I feel safe .. I think you are very brave .. doing a degree away from home .. that takes some strength.. don’t be too hard on yourself... youre doing a great job ... as we get older we don’t have the friendship circles we do when at school.. we move on get jobs etc .. I bet lots of people feel just like you .. I know I would ...call your family have a chat.. get in touch with an old school friend .. chat to us on here .. that’s what this site is about .. I really hope you start to feel brighter soon .. .. The world does need you in it !!

[vh005506 in reply to 1973m]

thank you that really helped me. I guess sometimes you need someone to shine a little bit of light

[Jeff1943]

This isn't you talking, vh005506, these aren't your thoughts, this is your anxiety speaking and putting false views into your mind. You've had a tough time and are out of your comfort zone, because of this and other reasons known only to yourself your nervous system has become over sensitised and you have ended up with high anxiety and the secondary depression that comes about because you're depressed about being anxious.

Sensitised nerves make you look at the world through dark lenses, you see only snubs, you lose confidence in yourself, you think your life is over before it's even started. You must learn to love yourself, if you think others don't then dismiss them as fools. Their loss. You will find true friends soon enough, don't go looking for them, let them find you.

You have brains, you made it to university and you have a gift for expressing yourself via the written word. That's clear from your post. It's time to start believing in yourself, there's a beautiful world out there full of beautiful people, go out and conquor them, you are fully able.

You are here for a purpose, there are things you must do, things only you can achieve, you can't turn your back on destiny, it isn't allowed. So prepare to take the world by storm, you can do it, oh yes you can.

Anxiety makes small problems seem formidable, molehills into mountains, fear floods through you with every bad thought that comes. May I suggest you're doing it all wrong, may I suggest you stop fighting the bad feelings. Instead accept them, utterly accept them, let them come. Accept them calmly and don't fear, you know you're not going to feel like this for the rest of your life, who says so, I say so.

Learn to accept the bad feelings and the negative thoughts, only attach less importance to them. Fear is what fuels the bad feelings further, but you can't accept something and fear it at the same time.

Learn to perceive things differently, forget about unhappy childhood, your mother's drinking, your false belief that there's something wrong with you. You are entering the most exciting period of your life, don't miss it for the world, go forth and conquor. Oh, and you need to discuss this in full with your parents, it isn't burdening them, it's what parents do, it comes with the title. All is going to be well, vh005506, all manner of things will be well, you are going to be fine, just remember to accept everything. Only for the time being of course.

[vh005506 in reply to Jeff1943]

I guess I am oversensitive.

I just can't help but feel this next year is only going to get harder and harder. I don't see how any of this will change.

like you say, its meant to be the most exciting period of my life, but it just feels like the worst. why can't I just enjoy it like everyone else?

[Indigojoe]

You write very well and you express yourself perfectly. Those of us who have struggled for years have found out that our "self talk" is pretty critical. It's probably a really bad night for lots of self defeating thoughts............Be nice to yourself...........it gets better.

[vh005506 in reply to Indigojoe]

my self defeating thoughts happen every night, its just got so much worse in this last year

[vh005506 in reply to vh005506]

and especially so in the last 2 weeks... all day every day. I read that most women cry monthly. I now realise its not good to be crying every day, multiple times. and its even worse as nobody even knows it

[Jeff1943]

If your anxiety and depression seem overwhelming you must see a doctor and discuss how a course of medication will give you a break from your bad feelings. This is the right thing to do. Whatever you decide there is a book, written 50 years ago, that will help you to understand what is happening to you, end your bewilderment and set you on a path to recovery: 'Self help for our nerves' by Claire Weekes available on Amazon new or used for just a few £$. This book shows you how Acceptance therapy can de-sensitise your nervous system and give you back your life. You are NOT going to feel like this for the rest of your life, believe me. And remember what I said about getting the support of your family behind you, which they can only do if you tell them of the problem. All will be fine.

[vh005506]

I have taken all of your advice, which I really appreciate and visited the doctor today. I also opened up to my family. Hopefully its up from here.

[Beevee]

Everything Jeff1943 (he looks much younger 😀) has said is true. The way you feel is temporary and not forever. I know, I've been there and come out the other side. Like Jeff ( more like Jeff1983 😉) said, those negative thoughts aren't you, they aren't who you are, they don't define you. They are only thoughts given a false importance by your anxiety which magnifies all emotions tenfold. In other words, things that ordinarily would not have bothered you in the slightest before you became anxious, feel overwhelming, scary etc. You have these anxious thoughts because you have anxiety which will gradually melt away and the old you (which is still there) will emerge from beneath those symptoms . Life will feel very much worth living. In fact, I would wager money that it becomes sweeter as throughout your recovery, you learn to appreciate even more, the smaller things in life. Just hang in there and learn to be patient. Don't strive to recover, let recovery come to you by allowing yourself to think and feel everything with full acceptance. Roll with the punches, be passive towards the symptoms and leave them be. Those symptoms want to leave you alone as much as you want them to leave. At the moment, you are stopping this from happening because you are continually stressing over about the symptoms. You are literally fighting a battle with yourself and going round in circles.

The key to recovery is to allow all the symptoms the space and time they need to do their thing (scare you and make you feel depressed, amongst other things) and not to give them them the respect they crave which keeps them hanging around. Over time, they all disappear. Recovery can be so gradual, you may not even notice that they have gone.