I don’t know where to start. I feel awful. I feel like I just can’t do this world anymore. Im not right for it. I just hate myself all the time. I really can’t do this. Theres something wrong with me. I just hate everything in my life.
I don’t know what to do:
All my course friends don’t like me. They don’t invite me to anything anymore and barely speak to me. And its not like we weren’t close. We all used to be so close. But gradually in uni people drift apart (which I don’t mind) but being ignored and constantly feeling like they are bitching about you is another thing. I just can’t stand it. Im trying to take each day as it comes, but the minute I start feeling alright something happens or I’m reminded of how shit everything is.
I just want to go home. But thats silly. I can’t just run away from it. I need my degree as without it I’m really stuffed. its the only thing I have going for me. And I doubt ill be any happier at home. I just want to feel safe secure and loved.
Right now I just feel lonely and hated. Especially by myself.
I can’t see any way out of anything.
Theres just something wrong with me.. I feel like gradually all of my friends will do the same and go off me.
No one loves me and no one will ever love me.
I love my mum and dad and sister and they are frankly the only thing stopping me from killing myself. Don’t get me wrong I have some good friends in uni and at home but I just really can’t do any of this anymore.
My anxiety is horrific.on saturday night I felt so sick I couldn’t eat and forced myself to go out, I could barely drink (not normal for me). I am glad I went and I felt good that night and the following morning. But the next evening I just felt shit again.
In the last year I think I’ve got really drunk to try and block everything out. So I’ve made some mistakes, and have acted in ways I don’t like. And I hate myself for it. It haunts me every day.
I just don’t see any way out of all of this. As theres no-one to blame or situation: its just me. Its my fault. Wherever I go this unhappiness will follow and I just don’t think I can live a life like this, I am so unhappy I can’t even put it into words.
I don’t want to admit it to people as I hate feeling like a burden and I despise pity even more than that. I just can’t do this anymore.
I feel I’m just destined to be unhappy. I’m just tired of being strong, I feel like I’ve had shit to deal with for years. I mean my childhood wasn’t the happiest because of my mums drinking and shes a lot better now and I have forgiven her and we do now have a good relationship but I just feel like I’m always going to be crying into my pillow wishing my life would end.
I just want this anxiety to go away. I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me. No wonder people don’t like me. I don’t like me.