if someone could please reach out to me as this really is a cry for help. I am 18 years old and I suffer from anxiety and OCD. I’ll try to make this as short as possible. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now, we are really happy together except there is one massive thing weighing us down, alcohol. I have done previous posts about this but I have now hit rock bottom. My boyfriend likes to drink, and I have a serious phobia/fear idk of alcohol. It’s gotten so bad that when he drinks (like he is tonight), I self-harm, consider suicide etc. Now don’t get me wrong I know it’s an irrational fear of mine as most 18 year olds drink and it’s not a constant thing, he just drinks at the weekends usually. But this happens to me every time and it just keeps getting worse. Now he’s 18 he’s starting to go to clubs and bars, in summer he went to Magaluf with his friends and I was very close to suicide. The worst part is he knows how I feel. I’ve lost so much weight because when I know he’s going out, I can’t eat for days prior to it. He has seen me lying on the bathroom floor after a panic attack about him drinking; he has wiped away the tears that have flooded down my face. He has sat up with me while I gag in the toilet from being so upset. I’ve asked him so many times how he can do this to me and he just said he doesn’t know. Am I wrong to think it’s weird he can see me that way and still continue to drink like nothing ever happened? This is what it does to me, I know you may find it weird to think it does such horrible things to me but I’m hoping that you all understand anything can be a trigger. Before you ask, no I have never had any bad experiences with drink that I’m aware of. I have never had a drink myself, but my psychiatrist believes it may spawn from my phobia of vomiting and loss of control. Tonight, I am broken, more broken than I have ever been. My body aches from mutilation and I can’t take it anymore. No matter how I feel, he won’t stop going out drinking. I don’t want to break up with him because he’s the only thing that makes me happy despite being the main thing making me sad. I honestly would rather just be dead than break up with him, because I don’t want to be in a world without him, but I don’t want to be in a world where he drinks. I don’t know how long I can go on like this, he says he understands but honestly how can he? Like I said I know it’s normal to drink but if he really cared and loved me surely he would be unable to do this to me? We’ve tried to compromise where he says he will drink less, but he never does, he just apologises and then does it all again. I really don’t know what to do. He even knows I want to die, and he says it makes him sad but he does absolutely nothing about it. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but honestly for the first time in my life I am being selfish because this is my life that’s on the line now. I don’t want to die, not really, but I also do. I want the pain to stop and I want to disappear into nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore because I can’t keep doing this.
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Brightstar0109
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17 Replies
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I am very sorry to hear you feel this way. I think it is very important for you to seek professional help and speak with your family about the way you feel. Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are beyond scary and you should ensure you do everything to protect yourself. Please go and speak with someone you trust.
As for your boyfriend...i get it where it comes from. He’s a young lad and this is what they do. I can’t tell you whether you are being unreasonable or not as it is not my place. But what I can tell you is that it should not be about your boyfriend and his drinking adventures. This should be about you and you only. What I mean is...this should be about “what is it you need to do to feel better and find the best possible scenario for YOU?”. You’re saying you don’t want to lose him. Ok, then breaking up isn’t an option for you. But, self harm and suicidal thoughts should never be an option either!!! My partner likes his beer as well. I barely drink. I hate the smell of alcohol and I am worried about his health. I used to have anxiety about it but now I am dealing with it differently. I told him how much I hate it and he promised to work on it. He’s not succeeded yet 😂. So then I told him I was not going to be anxious about it but I would tackle it in the way which would be the best for me. Whatever it means is up to me and if tomorrow I disappear to New Zealand without him knowing then fine...whatever. This is probably not the best thing to do but this is the best thing for me. Self harm and suicide are not the best things for me to feel better as I will hurt so many people and no boyfriend/partner ever deserves that.
So...please take a deep breath and have a good think. You don’t want to die...this is great! Life is the best gift we get and we should look after ourselves. Please speak with someone you love (family perhaps?) or talk to a therapist. You are so young and you have so many beautiful experiences ahead of you. Good luck xx
I do see professionals but very rarely as it's so hectic with so many people needing help, I don't want my mum to worry so I don't tell her how bad it is. The best thing for me is he stops, I honestly can't take it but he won't. No matter what it does to me, i'm just home from seeing him today where I cried on 4 occasions and had a panic attack, he also saw a scar on my arm from yesterday that I tried to hide. None of it will make any difference which just hurts me more, how can alcohol be more important than me being healthy and safe? I don't even think it affects him, me self harming. I know that sounds stupid but he never says or does anything to show he's hurt by it, when he saw my scar today and realised what it was he just said ahh okay.
Thank you for your kind words though, you're so nice xx
YOUR mum needs to know. Nobody knows you better than she does and unless you talk to her about this you will never know if she knows exactly what are going through.
IF she does not support you, go to the school and find someone there.
SHE will do what she can to help you see life differently I HOPE.
What your boyfriend does is NONE of your business. Your are trying to CONTROL him with your behavior. How would that work if the situation were opposite?
You owe it to yourself to get right with you, and get to know yourself.
LET other people do their thing and you do yours.
Bright, you will feel better the moment you take all of your attention off of him and put it on you.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Be open to the possibility that you are trying to control him. You say it in your post. try and trust me on this one. NONE of this is about him.......
You DESERVE to get right and learn some new ways to think about your life. Give your mum a chance, give people who SEE you face to face a chance.......The boyfriend is just your distraction.
I'm not though, it might seem that way to you but I'm not stupid, I'd never do anything like that, just because I think it's wrong he doesn't change doesn't mean i'm telling him to, I would never do that
Omg that is exactly like me my older brother does the exact same I’ve got anxiety and ocd and like whenever he goes at I get my parents to tell him not to come home drunk cause I don’t like it and it scares me to death and like I can’t sleep till he’s home or asleep I know how and what your going through
Really? I can't sleep either. I just spent the bells in my bed crying because he was out and it's 5am here and he's only just home. I'm shaking and crying.
Yh same it’s 5:11 here and yh he was downstairs I heard his friend drop him of but I didn’t hear him come up so I texted him and he didn’t answer so I was getting all panicky but I think he’s managed to crawl upstairs into his bedroom
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Alcohol and Diazepam... 
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