My Heart Aches!

[MjRock]

On Good Friday my dear friend and next door neighbour of 10 years Alison aged 43 died, like me she lived on her own. We were great company for each other. We loved animals, Alison had a staffy dog Jack who passed away aged 12 years on 2nd April, it broke her heart because he was always there for Alison. I am still waiting for her autopsy report as to the cause of her very sudden death. She had diabetes type 1. Then Friday 26th April my beautiful baby girl Blossom died in my arms after battling stomach cancer, I howled at her passing, I fell to my knees finding out from the police who had to force her door to get in that Alison was dead, I broke down when Jack, Alison's dog died. I feel like I am in a type of loneliness, a limbo of sorts. I can't function properly, I am terribly depressed, I keep crying because all whom I loved and whom were my constant companions have now gone!😥😥😥 I don't answer my phone or my door to anyone, I just want to be left alone because nobody understands the enormity of our friendship, my friend Alison, my cat Blossom of 13 years and Jack my dear friend Alison's dog who loved me so much too! I have a huge hole in my heart nobody else can fill, my life will never ever be the same again! What am I supposed to do now? Will I ever stop crying, will my heart stop hurting or is this how I will be forever until I pass too! Thank you for reading my post, kind regards Marie xx💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖😿😥😿

[JAYnLA]

Hello Marie. You’re supposed to be hurting right now. Grief is a very real thing and it is a process. Your life will never be the same again - but that does not mean that it won’t be good again. It certainly will.

[JaneN40]

That sounds a heart renching few months. I’m so sorry to hear. Grief is all consuming and it will take time to come through it.

[hypercat54]

Hi sometimes life is a real ^&&*%% and I am really sorry about your friend and Blossom. You need to grieve so give yourself permission to do so. Of course you are going to hurt horribly but with time it will get easier. I know it's hard to see that now but it is true. Have hope for the future. x

[MjRock in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for replying to my post, it made me feel so much better reading how much people whom I have never met can be so caring like you have been to me - thank you! I really appreciate your reply to me because you are so right, life can be a &&##@@! I have never known pain like this, it hurts right to my very soul. Next Wednesday I say goodbye for the last time to my dear friend Alison, I know I am going to find it too much, but I need to be strong and do this one last task for my friend. Thank you once again for your words of comfort, you will never know how much you have helped me. Marie xx

[hypercat54 in reply to MjRock]

Aw bless you Marie. Sometimes pain can be overwhelming and all encompassing and all you can do is try and survive the next few minutes sweetheart. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you lots of hugs ((((((((Marie))))))). Bev xxx

[lorianxiety]

hi there just read your very sad story and it seems like life couldn't get any worse losing anyone/pet is very heart rendering as my cat took a stroke 2months my only companion,but im slowly coming to terms with my depression/anxiety /isolation.Its so difficult when you have mental anguish and pain at losing your neighbour ,and my heart goes out to you .Grieve as much as you can ,meaning take it slowly as the pain and depression will gradually lift ,and of course the support from this forum can uplift your spirits,but it does take time..its just seems so awful that your left in total despair not knowing the cause of death ect.

I am heare for you anytime you need to talk /vent its a painful situation and my heart goes out to you love and hugs.please take care we all need you to feel better.

[MjRock in reply to lorianxiety]

Dear Lorianxiety your reply really did resonate with me, you knew exactly how I am feeling which makes me feel that all the hurt I am feeling is normal and that I do need to allow myself the time needed in order to heal. All of the deaths came so suddenly and altogether too. My beautiful Blossom was poorly and I had paid the vet £456 but couldn't afford to pay anymore, the vet's asked me to pay a further £150.00 for an ultrasound and when I told them I didn't have anymore money they sent me and Blossom packing. I rang the vet's several times after this because I felt anger towards them. I asked why was it I was told Blossom had a U.T.I. yet later I was asked to allow you to do a blood screening not once but 3 times @ £130 each time and was told on all her results that her bio chemistry results were perfectly normal. I was then told with her first screening her heamaglobin was very low at 9, then 2 days later it was 20, then one day later it was 27. I told the receptionist all of those results were conflicting and confused me, Blossom went from being severely low to mild anemia in a matter of days?? The receptionist told me that even if I had have had the ultrasound test for Blossom her outlook would of been the same. I asked for an explanation? The receptionist told me that the vet suspected stomach cancer because Blossom had a build up of fluid in her tummy. I broke down in floods of tears when I heard what she had told me! I asked if I had money would Blossom be cured? She just replied possibly - That was when I began to feel enormous guilt, I felt and still do that it's my fault my beautiful Blossom died, Oh how I loved Blossom, my heart feels like I have had a dagger plunged into it. I do feel angry towards the vet's too, I hate how they take advantage of vulnerable people who are in such depths of despair that they have no qualms about charging ridiculous amounts for pet care, there is no legislation to stop them charging these extortionate amounts! When I get better I am going to start collecting signatures so I can lobby parliament to get laws in place to stop these vet's charging these extortionate prices. I did the same when our dentists did the same and I will make sure vet's will never again take advantage of vulnerable people ever again! I am deeply sorry to hear about your cat which sounded just like my Blossom, a constant companion, I expect it's the company your beautiful cat gave you that you miss so much, I know I do.

My dear friend Alison who also lost her constant companion in Jack her dog, has her funeral next Wednesday 8th May, I know too saying my last goodbye to Alison will kill me, more especially because her brother Marcus has asked if I would say a few words about Alison and her zest for life. I feel now, even though I haven't been told her autopsy results, it was her liver. I say this because Alison my dear little friend was so tiny, I used to call her Tinkerbell, size 3 shoes and such tiny fingers, in fact her whole physique was so tiny - Alison was so depressed, she lost the love of her life and after that break up she never dated anybody else, but she had Jack her dog who too was her constant companion, she also had me, I did so much for Alison, I gave her bedding, towels, soft furnishings, food, perfume and make up. The most important thing I gave her was time, I listened intently to her worries and Oh what a worried soul she was - unfortunately Alison used a different type of crutch that being alcohol, the poor girl was an alcoholic. I don't drink alcohol however Alison consumed far too much and I kept telling her diabetes and alcohol do not mix but when Jack died suddenly her consumption of the demon drink escalated and also she started to smoke too, which I did tell her off for. I think I already know why she died, her liver probably packed up, that coupled with a broken heart and depression plus the fact she feared her benefits were going to stop and that she felt they were going to force her back into work, an accumulation of very sad circumstances. Again I felt enormous guilt that I hadn't done enough for Alison, I did try telling her not to worry about her benefits and that we would cross that bridge should it ever come, that was the last conversation we had before she died, I gave her a bottle of Marilyn Monroe perfume which she loved, she looked a lot like Marilyn Monroe and had the same type of sadness too.

I hope I can keep strong enough to do Alison proud next Wednesday. I have been given strength from people like you, I feel you have given me such meaningful advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Lorianxiety, your words have truly comforted me. There are so many beautiful people on this forum who are only too willing to give people like me a shoulder and an ear to listen to me. I send you a plethora of Angels to wrap their wings around you and fill your life with love and joy. Marie xx

[lorianxiety in reply to MjRock]

Dear Marie,thankyou so much for the kind words as well as insight into your friend Alison's decline,it so sad to hear how depressed she must have been over her beloved dog Jack...its a constant reminder that ones health can virtually vanish when bereavement and depression set in. ive been in a similar situation though hadn't reached rock bottom..Iknow it will take all your strength to stand up and give a speech about your dear friend at her funeral,but I feel you can do it despite the pain you are feeling-----she will be very proud of you and indeed if you believe in the afterlife be looking out for you as a close friends do.forever until you unite.Yes,vets are extortionate,and when it came to my own cat she was only 7yrs and the scan would cost well over £1000,she took a stroke,and it was the most terrifying experience as my anxiety levels rose ...and like you I felt guilt could I have done more ect,but you must try and not blame yourself .My cat had I suspect hyperethesia and its basically the diet she was on prior to my taking her on.Id known she had this illness for at least a year ,affecting the spinal cord,twitching…...Mguilt was enormous and if it wasn't for my spiritual beleifs I don't think iwould want to be here in this world ,im getting on now and feel that most of my life has been wasted ,by that I mean too much time spent worrying over things,most people have worries of some sort but those of us who suffer anxiety and depression,find it hard to live especially when family and friends are few or have no one.....I hope you don't find this too depressing as my intentions were to raise your spirits.I feel as though I understood the situation that you find yourself in and I do,its only 7wks t/morrow since my wee pal was laid to rest.please feel free to contact me whenever you need to,and I will be thinking of you Wedensday.hoping that this finds you not too alone or down .you are a very caring person and your friend Alison is still with you in spirit,take care.

[Jodieloo]

That's an awful lot of sadness for you to cope with on your own, you need to talk to someone and get some kind of help x

[MjRock in reply to Jodieloo]

Thank you so much for your brilliant advice Jodieloo, I probably need to speak to my GP but was reluctant incase he thought , I was being foolish. It's because of my fears I came onto this forum and was overwhelmed by the people like yourself who were only too willing to read my post and advice me. It meant so much to me how much you all care and it has been you and other beautiful people like you who are giving me strength. Once again a huge thank you Jodieloo for helping me and showing me the way, it means so so much to me Marie xx

[NoodlePip]

Marie what an awful time you’ve had! I understand what your feeling and there are many stages to grief and I sure you will begin to go through the process, but you really shouldn’t be alone at this time. There are many bereavement services you could access, with non judgmental people who have been through similar experiences and want to support those like you. I hope you take care of yourself and begin to feel better with time 😇🤗 love and hugs to you!

[MjRock in reply to NoodlePip]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I have said it before and I will say it again, I am so overwhelmed by the beautiful people on this forum. When I initially wrote my post I was venting but I never expected to receive so many beautiful responses with brilliant advice. I didn't realise that there were bereavement services for me because Alison I wasn't related to and my beautiful cat Blossom and gorgeous Jack, Alison's dog were our pets, so I didn't think anybody cared enough to listen to how all these sad deaths have made me feel. I am beginning to feel so much love from all the beautiful people on this forum, it makes me feel elated that people whom I didn't know were kind enough to take the time to respond to my post to give me support and advice. I would of been lost, alone and desperately unhappy had I not come on this forum, so a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart, you will never know just how much your kind words means to me right now - THANK YOU! Marie xx

[NoodlePip in reply to MjRock]

Marie I’m so pleased that this has helped, I’ve sought support many times here and the responses are overwhelming, it really is a community who cares for the welfare of others. I don’t know if you’re from the UK but if you are this seems a good bereavement service cruse.org.uk I’d urge you to definitely talk to someone, don’t feel you have to isolate yourself in these difficult times! Sending healing love to you 💖