I need help. Want to die.

[Lindamy]

I am so scared all the time and depressed. I don't leave my room, answer the door or the phone. I just stay in bed and pretend not to exist. My mom killed herself when I was 17 and pregnant. I managed to go on by just pretending I never had a mom. I raised my kids and they live on their own now. But for the last few years I took care of my oldest daughter who died from cancer last summer. I can't stop seeing her dying I knew she was dying but when she really died it was devastating. I have her ashes and her picture in my room. And her little dog. I just feel so overwhelmed and too scared to leave home without my husband with me. Worst of all, after 38 years, now.....I want my mama so bad. I need my mama, to have her hold me and comfort me. I always was strong and did my life without her because she left me. But finally something happened I can't handle without her and I want my mama so bad. I cry myself to sleep every day. My doctor won't let me have any medicine to help me feel normal. I feel so scared, like I am about to die any minute and I can hardly breathe. They just give me medicine to slow my heart down from 130 to 90. I don't know how much longer I can live this way. I have alienated all the rest of my family because I am crazy. I would rather die than live this way. I am not going to eat until I starve to death. I have already lost 35 pounds. I can't take it anymore.

[Lindamy]

I need to add that I have suffered an accident to my back and neck. I have had surgeries to fuse some of the bones and have some nerve damage to my legs. I was in bed for 4 or 5 years until the pain subsided enough that I could walk with a cane or sometimes a walker. I am seen by a doctor who gives me epidural steroid shots and pain meds which keeps my pain levels manageable and I can walk. But my physical activity is severely limited. I could not live on my own without my husband. My daughter had moved home to help take care of me when we found that she had cancer. I am so scared I will have to be put in a home. And I feel so insane. My life is so out of control and I just have to shut down. I can't do it anymore.

[Lindamy in reply to Lindamy]

I cannot sleep but no doctor will give me sleep medicine. For my anxiety they just gave my propranolol which I take anyway to prevent migraines and does nothing for my anxiety. The next thing they gave me is hydroxyzine which made me sleepy for a week or so but now does nothing. I have been taking passion flower extract which mildly helps but I am increasingly having episodes of rocking and crying and making a rhythmic humming noise which soothes my like some autistic person but annoys my husband a lot. I am afraid he will get mad and leave me.

[Lindamy in reply to Lindamy]

Is nobody there who can help me?

[Agora1]

Lindamy, the depression sounds severe along with the anxiety of everything you are going through. I'm sorry about your daughter's cancer diagnosis. That had to be devastating for you. The increasing episodes of self soothing is your body and minds way of trying to take away the pain and hurt. (my adult daughter rocks as well) The fear you have of your husband leaving you is causing you more anxiety and stress. I understand. You have a pain management doctor but do you have therapy for your depression and anxiety? It seems truly warranted at this time. It also seems like you are in need of a medicine consult since your other meds aren't working any longer. I think if you could get your emotions under control some it would help with your physical pain as well as emotional. I care. xx

[Lindamy in reply to Agora1]

My daughter died last summer. She was here at home under hospice care. She basically starved to death as the cancer blocked her digestive tract. At the end all I could do was sit with her and try to help her not be afraid. She was talking to me and finally fell asleep. As soon as she did she stopped breathing and died. My baby girl was gone. I can't stop seeing it in my head. I see it in my dreams. I cry for my mama but she's not there. Nobody is there. My husband does not understand why I don't just get over it. Nobody understands so I just stay in my room and don't exist. I am dead already. I don't know how to get help. I don't think any of my doctors believe me. I live in a very rural area on a farm. I am scared to drive anywhere by myself and my husband doesn't understand that I need him to go with me. I have diabetes and sometimes I don't see very well if my sugar is high. And I am just so scared. I can't take living this way. My heart will give out or something else will happen. I just want it to end. Please help.

[Agora1]

Lindamy, my sincerest condolences on the passing of your daughter. That has got to be the hardest thing for a parent to go through. How blessed she was in having you (her mother) by her side at her final moments. You were robbed of your mother being a part of your life from a crucial age on. I can understand how you want your mother to comfort you during these difficult times like you did for your daughter. But no one seems to be there for you. It must be very hard having health issues yourself and being in a rural area but is there anyway you can get someone to have a weekly visit at your home as a "well check"? I feel your emotional pain and wish I knew what you could do. Maybe others from the forum who live in a rural area may have some suggestions. I understand you not wanting or able to drive on your own. We do care, just at times this is out of our expertise. xx

[Stay_strong85]

Hi Lindamy...you have a lot of trauma in your life and I know it hurts...I do too. But the most important thing to remembered is you are here for a very beautiful reason and your life has purpose. Please don't feel this way. Loss is so soooo hard, I know. We are still here though and you need to go on in this life and be stronger than ever before. Your loved ones who have passed need you to fight for them and you. I know it can seem hopeless...but THERE IS HOPE. I need you here, and I BELIEVE IN YOU. Please...keep fighting the good fight. You CAN do this!! Life sucks right now, i know, but life is yours. Keep going and NEVER GIVE UP.