Having a really hard time with acceptance and perspective

[evie15]

Hi all, I find myself caught in this cyclical intensifying of my anxiety symptoms. In college my anxiety was very high, then for about 8 years I had no major anxiety flare ups. In the last 3-4 years, however, my anxiety or whatever this is, has gotten totally out of control. I say out of control, because while I had anxiety before, I developed coping mechanisms that truly worked. Now, none of it works. I recently tried lexapro for about 4 months and it just made me sort of depressed and mean. My PCP told me to stop that so I did. The reason I went on it is that I have seemed to develop this sort of health anxiety. Something I have never had before in my life. I had a bad ALS scare, culminating in an MRI, CT, EEG, EMG, NCS, the list goes on. All were normal (i haven't gotten results from the EEG so I assume normal.) Now, my gallbladder is seriously on the fritz and it's sort of robbing me of what I love to do most - exercise. Anyway, all of those tests being normal, I was feeling good(aside from the gallbladder), and now I am confronted with one of my biggest fears...Stomach virus. I know, I know, very trivial in comparison to some things. I do not know what it is about it, it sends me up a wall. And here I am, descending into this awful panic attack ridden, depressed, existentialist worm hole. I don't know if its that as I get older I am watching my loved ones age and get sick. My grandmother (she raised me while my mom worked) has Alzheimer's and I think it is the cruelest thing ever because she did so much for so many people and now she has to die like this, and its taking her slowly! My mother has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, and I just can't get the image of her face during chemo infusion out of my head, that stuff is brutal. A girl from our group of friends just died very young of breast cancer and left young children. A family member that I was very close with has gone through a very difficult time in her life, and I have completely lost her. So, I sit here trying to make sense of all this chaos. I feel totally out of control of my body, of what will happen to the ones I love, and to just pile it on, this stupid stomach virus comes to throw me into full panic mode. I know i had a really bad experience with the stomach virus as a child and it has greatly affected me to turn into a phobia. I just seem to not be able to handle anything lately. I don't know if it is just bc life gets heavier and harder as we get older? Does anyone else feel this way? How can I better cope with this? I cannot seem to accept that this is way things are and this is how they will be. I almost constantly day-dream lately about being in a different time, or being a different person because it's just more comfortable than being me right now.

[laglag]

Hi. I'm taking Lexapro, 20 mg. l get what you mean about making you feel more depressed, it's not anxiety but just a little down. It did seem to help my anxiety. I was diagnosed in 2003 with Parkinson's disease at the age of 46. In 2008, I had a double mastectomy and this year I'm having a lot of anxiety. I wrote the things below the other day to see if I could help anyone. Keep smiling, keep fighting and keep positive thoughts in your head at all times. This may be tough to do, but just keep practicing & you WILL get there. This is what I've been trying to do every time I have a bad feeling coming on.