Having a hard time

[Jsteve36]

I know it's sad that a 36 y.o man is sobbing , I'm just struggling with this fear.

Every time I see something I enjoyed doing with my wife and kids I start getting these thoughts of " I won't be around to do this with my family anymore" and it's bringing me down.

It has left me so empty , every time I look at my wife or children I start to tear up because I'm afraid there is something going on with me thats going to put me in the ground and it's breaking my heart.

I'm so lost I don't know what to do

[Jsteve36]

I have even started writing letters, one to my mother, one to my wife and one for each of my kids along with who the things I have should go to and writing down a list of songs to be played at my funeral.

[Hallyhooyou in reply to Jsteve36]

I doubt you’re dying. HA mimics so many things and we’ve all been there with worries, tests, seeing doctors, spending way too much time googling symptoms.

[-Rinaaa]

Hi JSteve36,

Sorry you feel like that, it is terrible!!

Do you have any sort of anxiety, eg Health anxiety in particular? And how long have you been feeling this way?

[Jsteve36 in reply to -Rinaaa]

Anxiety for me started when I was real young, I had a firm grasp on it for many years until I was a out 22-23 , it was bad for a while but I was able to get it under control, then in 2014 something went awry , I couldn't go outside, I was stuck in bed for 3 months, I had to have the windows in my room covered so I couldn't see outside, I could barely get up to shower , maybe ate food 2 times a week.My family and I moved to west central Texas in July 2014 , I had 15 teeth pulled because I had some bad teeth, things got better, we moved back to minnesota in 2016, things were well up until 2019 when I was at work, my BP was super high, heart rate was 115-120 which put me in the hospital for the remainder of the day. I eventually got over that one and moved on with life.

Then this November I was on my way home from work when my heart rate went through the roof , I was light headed , hot and cold spells, feeling like I was going to pass out or die from heart attack or some heart related issue.

Now it has progressed to being bed bound once again with this constant nagging feeling and thoughts that im not going to be around anymore.

[kama24 in reply to Jsteve36]

Hi, my heart goes out to you. I am 73 yrs old. I started having panic attacks at age 12. Somehow I made it through my younger year and started medication in my 30's. All went well for about 12 yrs and then the medication I was on just quit working for me. The last 6 yrs have been a nightmare. Like you, I think of my demise all the time. Of course at my age I'm far closer to the "end" than you. I totally understand writing letters to loved ones and dwelling on death. I think I've tried every suggestion, techqunice and medication out there. Right now I'm on Luvox and Remeron. I think the Remeron has helped a bit. Some days are better than others. Have you tried a talk therapist? or CBT course. Don't give up, you are so young. I don't even call my feelings "anxiety", I call it "FEAR". There are days I just want to toss in the towel, but no I DO want to enjoy what is left of my life. Please hang in there. You are not alone.

[Jsteve36 in reply to kama24]

Thank you for sharing and your kind words.I'm super jumpy about my health as I have been exposed to many things that can cause health issues and being a smoker of 20 years, although I am attempting to quit, I'm down to 5 or less a day now.

I just want this vicious cycle to stop, and my brain to quit telling me I'm not going to be around for my wife and children anymore.

There has not been a day where I have not cried, I am hoping it's just the fact that I have myself so worked up that is why this is all happening, but it would be my luck that would not be the case.

[kama24 in reply to Jsteve36]

Are you on medications for anxiety? If not, there is always the possibility that there are some out there that will help! I am often telling my husband and daughter that I feel I will be leaving them soon. They try to reassure me that I still have some good years left. You have MANY left! My physciatrist once told me "the mind is the strongest organ in your body"........boy was he right in my opinion. Fear can be difficult to control. People suggest yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, relaxation videos on youtube , so many possible helps. Keep trying anything and everything, don't give up!

[Jsteve36 in reply to -Rinaaa]

I have had anxiety most of my life .I have been feeling like this for just over a month.

[-Rinaaa in reply to Jsteve36]

Sounds like you had a panic attack?

Do you suffer from bad dreams? I do relate with what you are saying. I have had anxiety since 2015 and I find that your thoughts constantly change but the thought about death never goes away

[Jsteve36 in reply to -Rinaaa]

Yes I ha e had dreams of my mom,wife and kids standing next to my casket crying as well as some other dreams I can't explain cause they were vague

[-Rinaaa in reply to Jsteve36]

I understand that must be so so scary and unbearable to think about but have you thought you might be getting these dreams because of how you are feeling and what you are thinking? As we tend to dream a lot about what we think about right?

[Jsteve36 in reply to -Rinaaa]

That is true, we do.

These thoughts and feelings are driving me into a really deep depression.

My hands and feet start swearing as soon as I wake up, feet sweat so bad I can see me entire foot print on our hard wood floors.

Super scared to go to the doc's in March

[-Rinaaa in reply to Jsteve36]

I understand completely! Does the future look blank to you when you try to think about it like there isn’t going to be one? Or does it feel years and years away?

Sorry for all the questions trying to see how I can help

[Jsteve36 in reply to -Rinaaa]

It looks and feels blank, all I can see is my mom, wife and kids crying next to my casket and then nothing.It gets even worse when I think back to all of our camping trips and the fun we had then I start to get depressed and cry because everything goes blank and I start to think that I won't get to do that with my family again or take a trip with them to make memories.

[-Rinaaa in reply to Jsteve36]

I think you are definately suffering with anxiety or depression or even both. I know exactly how you feel and that’s why the future looks blurry. Think about it this way.. you’ve already been feeling like this for a month - that’s 4 weeks wasted and consumed of fear and worry

[Hidden]

Hello

There is nothing sad except for us that know feeling sad for you as we know how this feels but it takes a man to be able to admit how they feel and how they are suffering and well done posting and telling us because that takes some real courage

It does sounds very much like you have Health Anxiety and it is so crippling when you do , again unless you suffer which I do or have suffered no one knows just how this takes over your every thought and gives you these dreadful thoughts

I have suffered most of my life and when I was your age you were just told to basically pull yourself together

I also remember having the same feelings you are having and still do and thoughts they are so bad and they feel so real but that is how Health Anxiety keeps a hold on us

Have you spoken to your wife ?

She could be your biggest supporter in helping you see things differently or getting the help you need

And help is what you do need , if you could speak to a Doctor a Therapist that would be a massive start

You always have here to come and talk with like minded people so do not ever feel alone as you are not alone x

[b1b1b1]

I want to urge you once again to try to see a doctor before late March. This is mostly for your peace of mind. Also, it is not at all good for you to stay in bed for an extended period. This can cause your muscles, including your heart to lose strength and then it takes time to gradually build it up again.

I know it is hard to talk to doctor's offices and they say there are no app'ts and they don't care how much you are suffering. Can you ask your wife to try to make appointments for you. Sometimes it is easier for another person to do it as they can be more forceful.

Also, it would help if you can talk to a psychiatrist and perhaps take an antidepressant and even an occasional tranquilizer.

Keep coming here and talking. You will be OK. x

[Jsteve36 in reply to b1b1b1]

My wife has tried to no avail.

Biggest problem is I get panicky at just the thought of going in to a doctor , I know I'm going to have a panic attack on the way there and while I'm waiting and while in the exam room

[b1b1b1 in reply to Jsteve36]

Do you have tranquilizers. If so take a small amount (ie. .5 mg of lorazepam or similar when you go to see the doctor. A doctor appointment I think causes some anxiety for most people unless it is a completely routine situation. You have to just try to keep in mind that it will help to relieve your anxiety and in the VERY unlikely chance that something is going on it can be treated. I am just so sorry that you have to wait so long to see the doctor and suffer in the meanwhile. It is unconscionable.

[Hollick]

Jsteve, please know that being a 36yr old man and sobbing is perfectly okay, we are only human..what is not okay, is living daily in fear, its awful I know...may the grace of God be with you and your family, and I really hope you fell better soon...take care, all the best...

[Jsteve36 in reply to Hollick]

Thank you for your kind words my friend.

[Natsteveo]

This sounds like health anxiety to me chick I’ve had it 20 years and it comes in all shapes and waves it’s horrible do you know what may have triggered you to think like this like a death of a loved one or have you had a illness or has a loved one had a illness mine started because I saw my mum pass away and I got triggered with health anxiety have you tried talking to your family how your feeling

[Dell12345]

Hey I feel for you, this is classic depression and anxiety and I've been there too. It will get better and there are treatments that work.

Please see your doc, medication is very effective and for most people has very few if any side effects (dispute the labels and scare stores online).

CBT can be very helpful too. Xx

[-Rinaaa]

Hi

How are you now?

[Jsteve36 in reply to -Rinaaa]

Wish I could say better, still have the same feelings.

[-Rinaaa in reply to Jsteve36]

It’ll take a little while for them to go away completely. In the meantime try to find ways to cope with it. I know how you feel exactly

[-Rinaaa]

Hope your feeling better

[Blue_81]

Hello JsteveHope you are feeling better. I cry on the inside every day. Most days if not all I dont want to get up from bed and go to work. This has taken so much from us. We are here for you. Wishing you the best.