Extremely Stressful Situation

I have a 30 year old daughter that I've always been close to. That bond slipped some when she moved away 5 years ago but we still got along fine although her life style choices at her age bothered me. Fast forward to 2 months ago. She moved back here with my 4 year old grandson. Since several years ago, my parents have given her around $7500 total when she needed help with food, rent, etc (she's horrible at managing money and knows it).My parents finally started subtracting what they've given her off of her share of their inheritance money which she is not aware of. (They said it wasn't fair to my son who never asks for money except in dire situations and hates asking). She's asked me for money several times. 98% of the time, she never pays it back but certainly has money to buy her cigarettes and other unnecessary items. She asked me for $$20 lunch money about 3 weeks ago which I sent, then she said she didn't need it but never paid it back. This past Saturday afternoon she blew up my phone asking for $40 gas & parking money to go to Seattle (30 minutes away) to see her boyfriend who got a room in Seattle for the night. He's married and lives in LA but flew up. I told her no and later that night, had had quite a bit to drink with my boyfriend. We were sitting watching TV and used his phone to text her and told her that she needs to get her big girls panties on when it comes to money and start managing it. Family isn't doing it anymore. Everything I've wanted to say over the years spilled out. She thinks it's all my boyfriends doing since it was his phone and calling him names and being very nasty towards me. She's always been a hot head with a nasty mouth so I haven't responded to her at all yet because I'm too angry. I've never stood up to her like that except for one other time a few years ago when she was strung out on drugs. As you can imagine, my anxiety is through the roof. I've lost weight, can't sleep and barely eating. I love my daughter and regret how I said it, but not what I said. She needs to grow up instead of flying by the seat of her pants with life. She has a good job too. I'm just beside myself too because she claims my boyfriend is a scumbag (it was his phone) and she can't have either of us around my grandson. She's met him one time when he and I went to help unload the truck when they moved back here. We unloaded and everybody that was helping disappeared towards the end. I went back in the house and found them all in a closet smoking weed. Her actions and words to me and him just make me sick....literally. Is it terrible to love your daughter but not like her?

[Krn210]

I think that it is completely possible to love someone and dislike their life choices at the same time. I think you’re right in waiting to talk to her until things are more calm. I hope things work out for the best!

[Hidden in reply to Krn210]

Thanks Krn. I am waiting til later this week to respond. There's so much she's insinuating that just isn't true just because it came from my boyfriend's phone. If he had personally taken it upon himself to go off on her, that would be different. She just doesn't understand and I'm not going to reply to her texts until this weekend.

[MomLeslieM]

Oh I'm SO very sorry for this situation...sometimes relating to our adult kids is SOOOOO hard. It is VERY possible to love someone and not like them - or at least the choices they are making and things they are doing. It sounds like your daughter needed a wake up call and no matter which phone it came from she got that. She does need to understand and be told that it was YOU saying this, not your boyfriend and that you stick by it. Let her know that you support her getting help and will do what you can to help her learn how to budget/work out her finances, etc. and whatever else she may need but you will NOT support her financially anymore. Remind her that you love her and that is why you are doing this so that she will be able to be independent. Try to relax - I know it's hard when we're anxious about our adult kids but you have to take care of yourself before you can help her too.

[Hidden in reply to MomLeslieM]

Thank you. You make some great points and it helps. It’s killing me inside but at the same time a weight is off that it was finally said.

[kimmy1286]

It isn't terrible she should be grateful for the help. I am the same age and I don't have a great job neither does my husband but we never ask for money off our parents now.

you have to grow up at some point and if you keep on giving money she will never learn to look after her own because she can always ask you but she will learn and you will in time get that bond back all the best x

[kvolm2016]

Believe me, I understand how hard this is for you. I have 2 adult daughters as well. I wanted to share this article with you because there are so many helpful thoughts which I found I could use to rethink our situation and relationship. bit.ly/2S7KSRg Let me know your thoughts.

[Hidden in reply to kvolm2016]

Thanks for your response. That article was good. The hardest part of this is that my daughter is very manipulative and has a hot temper with a mouth like a sewer and making sure she tells everyone how horrible I am and what an ass my boyfriend is. My son is 26 and has a little boy who will be 4 in December. My grandson is adorable and my boyfriend and I have babysat him a few times including an overnighter. My son is still close to his ex and she's like a daughter to me and her parents and I have always gotten along great. They've met him but she hasn't. Now until she does meet him, she's not comfortable with us having him over for more than a few hours. It's just turned into major drama which my boyfriend and I are 55 and don't want in our lives. I've yet to talk to my daughter since she spewed her mouth at both of us via text and don't feel ready to. I'm at a different stage in life and very happy with a man who is wonderful and amazing and great with kids (he has 2 adult daughters and 2 grandkids as well) or I wouldn't be with him. We bought a house in May with a huge deck and back yard with the grandkids in mind. Who knows if or when that'll ever happen. It's just really sad : (

[kvolm2016 in reply to Hidden]

It is very sad that the drama created by your daughter has spilled over onto your son, grandson and ex DIL. Since you do have a close relationship with your ex DIL, do you think you could have an honest conversation with her to set the record straight and to let her express whatever concerns she has. Maybe you could even have her over to meet your boyfriend and see your new house so she will be comfortable with everything again.

[Hidden in reply to kvolm2016]

Her and I actually did have a conversation and I explained it. Her and my daughter are close and my daughter called her later the day it happened sobbing and not knowing what to think. Her advice was what I'm already doing. Giving it time and then reaching out to my daughter. She doesn't think it's fair that my daughter is cutting me off from my oldest grandson and she's not cutting me off from my youngest one. It's just hard now because the two boys are together a lot. I'm thinking now about writing my daughter a letter and tell her what I need to tell her. I'm her mom and she's my daughter and I'll always love her. If she chooses to write me out of her life there's nothing I can do about it. It just kills me because my son and I are very close but he's distanced now because he's also close to her and lives with her....it's a mentally and emotionally exhausting situation. Everytime I walk by my grandson's playset or tricycle at home it just makes me want to cry.

[kvolm2016]

I love the letter writing idea! It lets you say what you need to and it puts the ball in her court to decide if and how to respond. And I would bet that time is on your side and when the grandkids realize they are missing you, hopefully that will motivate your kids to make the effort to reconnect. I hope so!