SEPARATION ANXIETY W/ PARTNER: hello! i... - Anxiety Support

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SEPARATION ANXIETY W/ PARTNER

anxiousalexis profile image
14 Replies

hello! i really need some advice because I'm really having a hard time with my girlfriend. i have no energy to fully explain the context though it's important so Imma try my best to summarize. I have a post not too long ago about struggling with my GF and her choosing her family over anything and though things have gotten better. We're still struggling. 1. I didn't grow up with luxury of vacationing and traveling with family. She's experienced that her whole life. Atleast 2 vacations a year. We're going on almost 3 years together and her first trip where she chose her family was a trip to europe during my birthday. it was an important birthday too. she chose to stay with me then her mom talked her into going on the trip. after that, we dealt with other things due to her family but i would write a novel if i explained that. since that europe trip and past traumas with abandonment.. I struggle with separation anxiety and she hasn't really helped me heal. There hasn't been any change or any want to support me through it. she thinks im attacking her and finding what's wrong with her and it's frustrating. she's been on 2 family vacations this year, where i couldn't go bc there was always a reason why the trip was "important" to her. in 2 weeks, she's going to her cousin's wedding in mexico. the wedding has been planned for about a year. i always had this hope i'd be able to go but the bride insists it's an intimate thing. so my gf made it seem like she didn't want me to go by just telling me, "you're not invited" when I've brought up going. she also made me think she never talked to her cousin about me going. to then ask her for me, where her cousin respectfully said no. i had no issue with it. to then find out my gf already asked her in the beginning and got in an argument with her but never told me because she didn't want me hating her cousin. That then triggered me to her worrying about her family over because she cared more to protect her cousin then to protect me and her's relationship. before this trip, she went to Cabo with just her parents and made up reasons why I couldn't go but I debunked them after the trip and I was okay not going on the trip, i thought I was mentally strong to handle it. She left and I was dog sitting her dog and I went into a freak out because I felt alone and FOMO. I don't have many friends right now because people grow apart. She was gone 5 days and i expressed to her my struggles, which we then got into a fight when she got back, making it seem like i hold her back and stuff. so then a week after this trip, her parents booked the wedding flights. which she was gonna be gone for 6 days, even though the wedding is just friday and they're only doing stuff wednesday thursday. but because her parents wanted to go a day earlier, she obviously didn't refuse. they said because the flights were cheaper. keep in mind.. they're very well off. like, buy a $7k bag just cause. and the ticket prices are only like $100 round trip. And I'm trying to explain to her to work with me and listen to me. I asked her if she could maybe not go so long since not everyone is getting there when she would. and she puts up a fight and says why that's wrong of me and i need to think about her mental health and her sacrifices and i just don't know what to do because I really love this girl with all my heart. Her traveling and doing stuff without me is hard and it's hard for me to get stronger and heal from it because she doesn't work with me. I'm depressed because I didn't ask to be like this. I also wish to be included in things. I just don't know what to do. She's insisted on going the 6 days and like I don't know if I could continue this relationship if she can't work with me. She says she is working with me.. she could prolong her trip to 2 weeks because her parents are traveling more but she's coming back home. but im telling her how it was hard when she was gone for 5 days in cabo, so i don't know if more days about 2 months later is gonna make that magically go away because i haven't worked through it and i havent felt supported with it. i do go to therapy and my therapist doesn't think she's good for me in the sense of my mental health but like this thing with her family is like the only issue. i also get triggered with abandonment because when she's with her family, she's in another world.. her life is controlled by them and their opinions and wants. so whenever she leaves somewhere with family, even local.. i know she's basically gone. yeah i could text her and call her but she's 100% there with them and doesnt really think for herself. can someone tell me if Im crazy because i feel like something is genuinely wrong with me because what i need from my girlfriend.. she can't do.

if you read all this.. thank you so much for your time.

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anxiousalexis
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14 Replies
anxiousalexis profile image
anxiousalexis

SORRY THIS WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE! my mind is hectic right now

Cat33 profile image
Cat33

I'm so sorry to read all this and I'm also sorry to say this but you deserve much much better She doesn't seem to be giving you any support and understanding

You are most definitely not crazy

There is someone out there who will love cherish and care for you

I am wishing you all the very very best for a happy future with someone who makes you feel special

anxiousalexis profile image
anxiousalexis in reply toCat33

thank you so much for responding! it’s hard because i love her and want her. i just need her to see me my side and want to work with me. but she says i need to hear her side but i try but her side goes against my side lol

Dixie9326 profile image
Dixie9326

My first question is how old are you both..Family is very, very important . She apparently is used to traveling with them and if you’re not invited I can see walking away…Have you ever gone away with all of them? How frequently does she leave you in a year’s time? Do you have a job that prevents you from going?

It does seem like she enjoys her trips without you . How does she respond if you mention going your own way?

There is a lot to decipher here and you need to discuss it with her:). Good luck with your decision making..:):):)

anxiousalexis profile image
anxiousalexis in reply toDixie9326

hi! thanks for replying. I’m 25 and she’s 26. Ive only been on one vacation 2 years ago. but it was a simple vacation and we went with family thinking we were just friends. She’s been on 3 different trips this year in the span of 6months. We keep having blowouts over it bc she says what im asking for is unfair and doesnt change anything. when i jist need to know she’s got my back with this

Dixie9326 profile image
Dixie9326 in reply toanxiousalexis

At 26 I would think her boyfriend would be a bit more invested in your feelings too. She said it doesn’t change anything but it is changing things for you! Only you can decide if this is working for you. I don’t understand why you aren’t invited on some of these trips. Are her parents against your relationship? Sure sounds like it. If that’s the case she has some decisions to make of her own!!! Good luck sorting this out…🥹

anxiousalexis profile image
anxiousalexis in reply toDixie9326

Yeah, it’s hard. She tells me that I don’t think about her feelings when it comes to this and if she ends her trip early or chsnges anything.. she loses a piece of herself. So, I can’t really fight it. I just really love her.Thank you for taking the time to reach out. It means a lot.

Dixie9326 profile image
Dixie9326 in reply toanxiousalexis

As long as you’re willing to compromise you need to put it on the back burner and see where it goes..

I still don’t know why you’re not invited on some of these trips but I wish you good luck and hope it all turns out the way you want it to..:)

stde profile image
stde

Only a question🙏...are you a people pleaser because you find conflict and rejection hard to handle.If so you are dependent on others for your happiness.....look within what keeps you, is it love or just fear of loss...you have to deal with you...and love yourself first.

anxiousalexis profile image
anxiousalexis in reply tostde

I am a people pleaser lol. I don’t find rejection hard. Depends from who though. I just want my feelings to be heard and considered from my partner. I know the way I feel isn’t ideal but I haven’t been able to find security with her and these situations keep happening. Besides her enmeshment with her family, we’re great with each other. She is sensitive and can get upset for tiny things but it’s nothing huge. I really love this girl and see a future with her. I just need her to listen to what i have to say.

Fallin77 profile image
Fallin77

Well, I have to say it is surprising to me that she doesn't want to share any of these trips with you. During your happiest times you usually want the person you love there with you. I think it's great you babysit her dog but this is an odd relationship that you are describing but if you love her, I understand why you are being so patient. I've used my family in the past as an excuse when I didn't want to be with someone so I think she needs to show you more caring and attention than she is doing right now.You are not the problem here you are simply asking for a normal relationship.

anxiousalexis profile image
anxiousalexis in reply toFallin77

i appreciate this. we’re on a break rn but mainly cause she wants it. she says she’s going through it mentally bc of all the fighting. so im trying my best to give her space. we started couples counseling and i thought it went decently well. not fixing our problems but hope that we could work together. She said she doesn’t know what she wants. I think she doesn’t want to compromise anything about her trip and is waiting for the trip to come then she’ll try working it out with me after. I don’t know if I’d want to work it out after. Because she got to do what she wanted without taking my feelings into consideration. I just want to be considered and feel my partner cares and wants to support me. I want that partnership

Dixie9326 profile image
Dixie9326

it sounds like she’s close to breaking it off…give her something to think about and maybe walk away yourself. You’re very young, someone that sometimes puts you first and is in tuned with your feeling will come along..:) don’t put your own needs last!!!

anxiousalexis profile image
anxiousalexis in reply toDixie9326

you’re right! so right! thank you dixie!

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