What is the matter with me?

[plushiesaremyjam]

I believe that I suffer not only from Generalized Anxiety Disorder but also from Harm OCD.

Let me explain, in my life I have been around a lot of violence. My emotionally abusive father watched crazy war documentaries, inappropriate netflix shows for a 10 year old to see (such as Weeds, Nip Tuck, and The Tutors) yelled a lot, threw a lot of stuff out of anger, and after he died my brother did a lot of that as well as watched videos online of actual videos shot from Afghanistan and Iraq without headphones on where I could hear. I was so afraid of my father that I feared he was going to kill me in my sleep. And later on after he died I feared my brother the same way because of the temper he inherited from our father.

I am terrified of movies like Silence of the Lambs, horror movies, slasher movies, anything like that. I am terrified of blood, screaming bloody murder, intense coughing, loud noises, crashes and just general anything else that fits under that umbrella.

Back in December of 2017 my good friend committed suicide and then in April of 2018 another friend of mine attempted suicide and no longer wanted to be friends after he came back from the hospital. I have an intense fear of suicide. I am terrified that one day I will be so miserable in my life that I will want to die. I am terrified of knives ,being scared I am going to hurt people. Being terrified of weapons of any kind.

I want to make it clear that I do not go about my life saying "I want to die."

I do not want to die, I am scared of becoming suicidal.

There is no way that this is all just my anxiety...there has to be something else wrong.

[art62grammie]

You are suffering from PTSD I would guess. I want you to understand one thing. SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER. It is those we leave behind that suffer. Your loved ones will never be the same if you take your life. They will always feel responsible for your death. What could I have done or said to prevent this horrible death? This is what they would think. I have seen it happen too many times to my friends. Have you seen a mental doctor? I too have PTSD from my abusive father. He died thirteen years ago. I am 56 years old. I became a severe Anorexic at 14. The Anorexia was my control while living in the abusive home. It was not my mother who was abusive. She is great-wonderful-just a true saint. Mom is 82 and still alive. After 40 years of Anorexia, I checked myself into to treatment. That was my first time. I have almost died so many times with this mental illness. I am recovered and free from my illness. Treatment began six years ago. I see my mental doctor every 2 months now. I have been on a small dose of Zoloft for 6 years. It works great for me. It is to control obsessing over food. It is to help with my PTSD. I have actually seen the knives as a small child. My abusive father did this to my mother. They were married forty years. Every day for forty years he held a loaded pistol to her head. I will kill you one day. He was not a military man, alcoholic or on drugs. He was just violent. I had repressed my memories of all my childhood until two years ago. My mind was healing as I gained my weight from Anorexia. Treatment gave me life. I now remember everything. I was raped by my father from age 5-11. My three siblings were too. All of us kids were raped and physically harmed by him. I went to his grave 4 years ago and knelt down by his grave. This was the first time ever. I forgave him for making me ill and what he had done to me. That forgiveness was not for him. It was for me. I am free now. My brother who was six years older than me. He died in 2000. Five years before my dad. Now, a year ago, my mother tells me dad killed him. I am still wrapping my head around that. PTSD, YEP. Why not. I have been through a lot. My mental doctors help me so much and Zoloft. I am living and got my Anorexia beat. You keep up the strength. Get help if need to. DO NOT TAKE YOUR LIFE. LOVE YOU. YOU CAN CONQUER THIS BATTLE. I HAVE.

[plushiesaremyjam in reply to art62grammie]

Thank you so much! I just want you to know I do not want to take my life and I have never wanted to, what I meant by that was my anxiety (I have Generalized anxiety disorder) will take any bad thing that’s happened to a friend of mine (mental health wise) and it’ll make me think it’s gonna happen to me. So I told my therapist that I was really scared of becoming suicidal and that I over analyze myself about anything. Literally anything. Like just the other day I was giving a shirt to a friend of mine cuz it no longer fit me, but my anxiety took “I’m giving this shirt to my friend cause it no longer fits me” and switched it “I don’t want this shirt anymore cause I won’t be needing it” which my anxiety falsely predicted it as to being “oh my god you just gave away your possession, you’re suicidal holy crap” when in reality I gave her a shirt that fit her that no longer fits me . I told that story and other stories like that to my therapist and she told me it’s just my extreme anxiety and PTSD over reacting. So she told me when that happens to over ride it with “but” meaning “but I could have just given her a shirt that no longer fits me” and that seems to be working. But I promise I’m not wanting suicide. Really. I like my life too much to do that, I’m just very very anxious of everything and I just have to remind myself that I’m ok and that I’m literally making up scenarios in my head that won’t happen. Having anxiety is fun