What is wrong with me?

[plushiesaremyjam]

*DISCLAIMER* this is a long read. Sorry in advance.

My older brother just went back out west after being home for his 10 days of leave. I know it should have been fun but it wasnt. It was possibly the worst time ive ever had.

My brother is one of the reasons why i have such bad anxiety. Ive talked about it in one of my past posts.

But this visit he gave me anxiety about it as we were driving to go get him. I ended up having a panic attack once we got home after not having a panic attack in 3 months. I freaked out and texted my therapist that i thought i was OCD cause I evaluated my symptoms too much.

I actually hated myself and wanted to die because of everything that happened. It absolutely sucked. My brother was caught the 2nd day of his leave time by his wife while he was cheating on her with a girl hes been cheating on every girl with for 9 years (my brother and this girl were not dating they just had phone sex) and decided it would be totally acceptable to bring her to my mother’s and i’s home for 4 days without asking ahead of time.

I am only 18 i can only do so much with all of this. I cant stop any of if. My mom was broken hearted but with the way my brothers temper is, we couldnt do much to stop it all (i know it sounds bad).

The whole 10 days he was here, i was in a constant sadness. I did not really want to die, but i didnt wanna be stuck in the hell of pretty much betraying my sister in law. I was embarrassed to even call him my brother. He and his gf took over the house. It was awful. My mom and i were both broken hearted at the situation and my mom was communicating with my sister in law a lot so she could basically be there for her. My mom is actually embarrassed to call him her son at this point. Which is horrible.

I would get scary thoughts in my head about like suicide stuff. Not necessarily like i wanted to die, but i just wanted my brother to leave. I wanted him to go away and leave.

The entire time these thoughts are going through my head im in a constant state of panic. It was all just one big anxiety trip. My boyfriend had to calm me down several times. I had no appetite, i felt like i was gonna throw everything up. One night at dinner (mom and i went out to eat) i told my mom all about what was going on inside my brain. She looked at me and told me that she felt the exact same way. That she wanted to get rid of that feeling, the same feeling i was feeling. We both ended up crying on the car ride home.

At that moment i realized that my brother had truly hurt my mother by doing all of this, and that he and our dad are terrifyingly alike.

The day my mom took my brother to the airport was the first time in 10 days i felt happy. I cried to my boyfriend on the phone cause i felt happy my brother was gone, i felt guilty. This is my brother i should he sad that hes gone again. But i felt no sadness that he was gone.

Hes been gone since friday (its monday now) and i still feel happy now that he went back home. I dont feel depressed. I feel like me again

It is amazing how toxic people can make you feel, and how that can change as soon as they leave

[Clutonny]

I feel you, how long have you been together with you boyfriend? You can ask him if you can stay at his place and live like a family. Or just move somewhere away. You cant keep up with doing this. What if he comes back and never leaves?

[plushiesaremyjam in reply to Clutonny]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 4 1/2 years and we are in a long distance relationship. My brother is a marine so he cant really come back without getting in trouble.

[Clutonny in reply to plushiesaremyjam]

Its even better. You will be far away from your brother.

[darkshadow]

I know it's easy for an outsider to give advice but that's what I feel compelled to do for the sake of your mother and yourself. Your brother is a grown man and obviously can please himself what he does with his life BUT he should not be able to do so in the family home. You and your mother must tell him he cannot bring his loose ways to your house. Make sure he knows that he is not welcome if he behaves in this way. He seems to be a thoroughly selfish and uncaring person.There is only one way to escape from the trauma he is causing you. You must be strong and make clear to him that this behaviour must never again be repeated in your house. The choice is then up to him and you will have to accept not seeing him if that is the choice he makes. Things may improve in future. I hope so for everyone's sake.