new here. about to lose it? Bipolar? Need your opinion please

[chuck23]

Hi, i would really like your opinion on my situation!

First of all, sorry if my english is bad, i mainly speak french. My post might be long, but i want to put everything on here so you can understand my situation.

It all started in 2014, i just finished high school and i never had good friends during my scholar years. I played american football so i was "cool" and i had a lots of friends, but not good ones. During the summer of 2014, i met someone who is still my best friend today and he introduced me to his squad. It instantly clicked, we were always together, i even had my first girlfriend(a girl from this gang). I was feeling so high, like nothing could stop me. I was never at my house (i only slept there 3 times in all summer long) The school started and i had good grades, i had great friends and a smoking hot girlfriend.

The year advanced and the high kind of passed, i realised i wasn't really in love with my gf and seeing my friends wasn't as nice as it used to be. I had some good moments and some bad, but i wasn't always feeling the high i was feeling then. I wanted to feel this high, because that's what (i thought) was making me funny and interesting for my gf and my friends. The mounts went by and (sadly) i was feeling normal again.

(fast forward to 2016) My life was ok, i was still with my gf and i had just booked a ticket with 5 of my friends for a 1 mount in Thailand. This trip was supposed to be the trip of my life, but it went another way. After one week in, i started feeling stressed for no obvious reason. After 2 weeks i began to be really sick, i was pooping blood, vomiting... On the last week, i was really stressed and one night, i had a big argument with one of my friends about something silly. I went back to my dorm because i was pissed and one of them came to see me and told me they were talking behind my back and i exploded because what my best friends thought of me was really important. When they came back, i asked them what they were saying about me and they told me they couldn't say it because i would be too mad. I argued for several minutes saying it wasn't nice of them, but none of them wanted to tell me. I finally went to in my dorm but i couldn't sleep, i was so devastated about the fact that my 5 best friends went behind my back during our trip to have a reunion saying bad things about me. I felt sooo bad, i never felt like that in my whole life i thought i was going crazy. I woke up the next day and nothing was the same, i was feeling strange, like a stranger to myself.

I came back and i was always saying to my gf: i feel like i am high, like i smoked weed. I was so sick then (4 days in isolation for tropical disease at the hospital) that i thought it was related. But it continued, i started to get really stressed out because of it. I was in a dreamlike life were nothing seems real, where my room doesn't feel like my room, where my gf seems like a stranger... I tried antidepressant and it only got worse. I was at a point where life didn't really made sense anymore for me. I just dropped everything on my gf shoulders; when i was feeling too weird i was calling her and she was coming, she was so good to me, but she really didn't knew how to help me. She finally dumped me around christmas because it was too much for her, she was constantly crying and worrying about me. It was SO HARD for me to see her leave as she was really my only grip in this mess.

I got on and tried to find myself again, i saw 3 therapist, but i just feel like they are of no help to my situation. I have an aunt who is schizophrenic AND bipolar and it scares the **** out of me. I find myself doing screening test for theses disorders almost everyday since 1 year. Now i have some good days and some bad, but i recently started feeling that high again. That high i was feeling in 2014 that i now find unhealthy, because to my eyes, it really seems like a manic episode.

I would really like your opinion on my situation and if you took your time to read it all thank you very much.

Chuck, 21 y/o

[marcusvanbreugel]

Hi Chuck23,

Welcome to the site. No problem. Your english is good.

I read your story. I am sorry to that that you have had some difficult or challenging times.

This is a great site and lots of help is available.

warmest regards,

Marcus

[Enolz]

Hi Chuck,

From the symptoms you described, it sounds like you're experiencing derealization which is a classification of anxiety. I know this altered perception may lead you to believe you may have a more significant mental health issue such as bipolat disorder or schizophrenia. As you brought up in your post, discovering the fact your friends were talking behind your back, being away from home, being sick and upset, etc., chances are your body processed this as a challenging and/or trumatic situation. Derealization is often a defense mechanism, and many people experience this after such an event, especially if anxiety/depression have been present before. Search this site for other people's stories regarding their experiences with derealization. You are certainly not alone.

[Indigojoe]

At your age it will be beneficial for you to get to know yourself much better.

With age comes wisdom, they say, and "they" are correct. May I suggest that you find a course that will take you outdoors this summer. In America they have a program called Outward Bound. Many people go on the excursion for 2 weeks and find courage, and get to know themselves better.

This activity, or time at a Ranch, or working at a Farm and doing, hard physical work will do good things for your mind and body.

As for your concern about your mental health and your Aunt. IF you have other relatives who are not diagnosed with any mental illness, perhaps you need to focus on the ones who are healthy.

You sound like a perfectly normal person for your age. These are all passages we all go through. IT takes years to " be comfortable in your own skin"

[chuck23]

Thank you vm for your answers! And fyi i have no other relatives who suffers from mental illness. I have already looked up online and i feel like derealization must be what i am going through, but it just feels so strange, like i have lost myself.

[flaxxy703]

you have temper toward your illness, temper distorts logic and reason, and temper is the sworn enemy of inner peace and health.