Sick as a chip

[Mandy26]

Hi Everyone. I feel like I need a little rant today. I am feeling rubbish. I have had a rubbish few weeks and was hoping I would perk up by christmas but it's not happening. About two months ago I was feeling great, I had a really long period of feeling like I had found myself, found hobbies, was relaxed and always smiling, however at the minute I couldn't feel any more different. I feel completely lost, confused, bitter and tired. I try to put on a brave face but I'm giving in today.

I'm just feeling like everything I have to do is a big deal. I have to have confrontation with a manager in a store today because they won't refund my full amount and I really just don't have the mental capability to be bothered. I feel really sick of work, I don't want to be here, I want to be doing something else but I have no idea what and it makes me feel down like I'm stuck here. I've completely lost the joy in doing all of the things at home that I got into like cooking and baking. My enthusiasm that I felt I had worked so hard to achieve has dissapeared. I feel like I have very little time for my partner at the minute, like I just want time to myself and I become frustrated at little things. It's like I have gone full circle. Does anybody else feel like this? I sometimes feel like bursting into tears at the smallest of things at the minute too.

We recently attended a wedding on the weekend and I spent an amount of time sitting on my own as I didn't know anyone and I'm not a big dancer/drinker and everyone else was on the dancefloor. I was with my boyfriend and he was dancing the night away really having a great time and it made me think how different we are. I felt like I wasn't who he needed that day. I came away feeling ahsamed, boring, bitter, miserable and hating how I was and looking at everyone thinking why can't I be so carefree? I don't have a lot of confidence to begin with but I wasn't feeling my best on the weekend and to everyone else I must have looked like I was curling myself into a ball. I even had someone come up to me and tell me I was boring and miserable because I wouldn't dance. I kept leaving the venue to talk on the phone and felt like I could cry with frustration at the situation and myself. To make matters worse his ex gf was there and she must have thought our relationship wasn't great as I obviously didn't look very happy and towards the end we didn't spend a lot of time together. I really wanted to be there with so much confidence and show how amazing our relationship was but again, I felt like I just dwindled away and felt negative about everything.

I find I am happiest in the countryside, around nature, with my dog, or on the social side sitting in a pub having a pint or a glass of wine. It doesn't make me a miserable person to be this way, it's just me. I think I have just had a month where I have been put in an opposite situation and perhaps it took me out of my comfort zone.

xxx

[Hidden]

Hi. Mandy. My wife was like this (still is). She was brought up in the country and hated town life. She was shy and sensitive and suffered because of it. You have probably realised by now that this world is not designed for sensitive people! I was shy but a 'towny', but we did get along. She taught me so much about the countryside, the animals the trees and flowers. It is a diffent world. Your last paragraph sums it up. If you are happy in the countryside then why should you not be so and not feel guilty about it? Of course it doesn't make you a misery to be as you are. You are you, Mandy, and don't let anyone make you feel odd because you walk to a different drummer than the others. Coming full circle, as you put it, is more a 'setback' than a full circle. You go over the same ground but if you learned nothing from it before it can become repetitive. You seem to living in two worlds. One the social world and the other your desire to be alone in the countryside with your dog. The two are not necessarily exclusive, but sometimes can be difficult to reconcile. That's why some go and live in a cottage in the Highlands!! Your social problems will sort themselves out as you come to terms with yourself. Do not try too hard as that in itself can be very tiring. Good luck and blessings. jonathan.

[Mandy26 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jonathan, Thank you for your reply. You always make sense and have kind words As much as I like a bit of social banter every now and again, I think when I feel stressed and down, I just want to be in the middle of nowhere as it always feels like a 'cleanse'. I think that's why I feel so drawn to it at the minute. Everything has been a bit hectic and whilst I can sometimes cope, when it gets to much I just want to flee! I was brought up in the country so I guess it's my area of comfort.

And I also think you are right about the reconciling. I am living the life I 'have', and not necessarily the life I 'want'. I think I just need to learn patience also. I've never had a lot of patience.

Thank you. I think I will have a nice bath when I get home tonight and maybe a good sleep. It is my last day at work tomorrow before christmas so maybe that will help.

xxx

[Hidden]

Hiya Mandy26, i know exactly how you are feeling. Years ago, i was in a similar situation, going to a party and my 'then' b/f's ex was there, she was a 2 faced arl bint who stirred up a lot of trouble for me, between her and her daughter the relationship was doomed, which ended up me having to leave and go into a refuge with my kids for a few months because the daughter got her own way and their plan was successful. Im in a somewhat better relationship with a nice fella, sometimes he doesnt understand what im going through and sometimes he doesnt listen, but hey, men are not perfect are they haha.

Anyways, your'e not boring or miserable, i too like the countryside, and im happy mucking out a horses stable than doing housework lol. But atm because of my illness, i lost my job at the stables and just feel like crap. Im on the roller coaster ride until i get better. I had a good day yesterday, felt great, but today, just feel miserable and boring.

I too ave loads to do, like wrapping xmas presents and my housework, and i always worry if ive bought them what they want or if its enough, im not a millionaire or anything ive got them what i could afford

[Mandy26 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Linny. I can understand where you are coming from. In all honestly his ex gf seemed lovely. I think I just hyped up the fact that we had to seem perfect in my head, and when things didn't go to plan I stressed out and it was downhill from there. I felt very annoyed at myself for partly ruining his evening and ruining mine and giving people a bad perception of me.

It sounds like you had a stressful situation also, far worse than mine! But I am glad that you have found happiness with your current partner. To be honest, my partner is the same. I don't think he understands the moods I get in and the full extent of anxiety etc but if you haven't experienced it, it is difficult to fathom out so I try not to hound him about it. It is good too that you have your good days. It's always nice to have a day where you wake up feeling great. Hopefully once I finish work this might happen. I say stick some christmas music on whilst you do your wrapping and housework. I worry about my presents too. I put far too much thought into them and really stress myself out.

xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

linny. Purely as a matter of interest and off the subject, where did you get the word 'bint'? I have not heard it since leaving the Army in Egypt. It is Arabic for a young girl. How interesting! Love. Jonathan..

[hollow in reply to Hidden]

It's not exclusive to Liverpool I know that as it's used in other places and parts of the world. It's Arabic and can and usually is quite offensive (sorry linny)wherever it's used. I'm intrigued by the Egyptian connection tho as a lot of Liverpool men were posted there, my dad and uncles being but a few so maybe it's come back with them.

[Hidden in reply to hollow]

I didnt say it is exclusive to Liverpool, i merely said im from Liverpool and ive heard people say it sorry to correct you (again) hollow haha x

[hollow in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry to correct you linny but I never said you did my point was to Jonathan to defend my homeland as bint really is an offensive term so there x

[Hidden in reply to hollow]

ok i stand corrected

[hollow in reply to Hidden]

[Hidden]

I dunno Jonathan living in Liverpool ive heard people saying 'ya arl bint' and its like scouse slang for an 'interferring old woman/hag' lol

[Hidden]

What a pity, bacause as I understood it it simply meant an attractive young girl. But then soldiers see attractive young girls everywhere!!!!!!! J.