Hi Everyone. I feel like I need a little rant today. I am feeling rubbish. I have had a rubbish few weeks and was hoping I would perk up by christmas but it's not happening. About two months ago I was feeling great, I had a really long period of feeling like I had found myself, found hobbies, was relaxed and always smiling, however at the minute I couldn't feel any more different. I feel completely lost, confused, bitter and tired. I try to put on a brave face but I'm giving in today.
I'm just feeling like everything I have to do is a big deal. I have to have confrontation with a manager in a store today because they won't refund my full amount and I really just don't have the mental capability to be bothered. I feel really sick of work, I don't want to be here, I want to be doing something else but I have no idea what and it makes me feel down like I'm stuck here. I've completely lost the joy in doing all of the things at home that I got into like cooking and baking. My enthusiasm that I felt I had worked so hard to achieve has dissapeared. I feel like I have very little time for my partner at the minute, like I just want time to myself and I become frustrated at little things. It's like I have gone full circle. Does anybody else feel like this? I sometimes feel like bursting into tears at the smallest of things at the minute too.
We recently attended a wedding on the weekend and I spent an amount of time sitting on my own as I didn't know anyone and I'm not a big dancer/drinker and everyone else was on the dancefloor. I was with my boyfriend and he was dancing the night away really having a great time and it made me think how different we are. I felt like I wasn't who he needed that day. I came away feeling ahsamed, boring, bitter, miserable and hating how I was and looking at everyone thinking why can't I be so carefree? I don't have a lot of confidence to begin with but I wasn't feeling my best on the weekend and to everyone else I must have looked like I was curling myself into a ball. I even had someone come up to me and tell me I was boring and miserable because I wouldn't dance. I kept leaving the venue to talk on the phone and felt like I could cry with frustration at the situation and myself. To make matters worse his ex gf was there and she must have thought our relationship wasn't great as I obviously didn't look very happy and towards the end we didn't spend a lot of time together. I really wanted to be there with so much confidence and show how amazing our relationship was but again, I felt like I just dwindled away and felt negative about everything.
I find I am happiest in the countryside, around nature, with my dog, or on the social side sitting in a pub having a pint or a glass of wine. It doesn't make me a miserable person to be this way, it's just me. I think I have just had a month where I have been put in an opposite situation and perhaps it took me out of my comfort zone.