I'm no longer able to function

[pumpkinbagel]

I am 34 years old and female. For the past year my health anxiety has been worse than it's ever been in my life. I have been seeing a therapist since November. My current major worries are melanoma skin cancer and breast cancer.

My mother is 69 years old, obese, inactive, and has always been a "sickly" person ever since childhood with one ailment or another.

10 years ago she was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. After extensive treatment, she recovered.

5 years ago, she was diagnosed with squamous cell oral cancer. She had surgery and recovered.

Last month, she found a lump in her neck and after a long diagnosis process (CT scan, SEVEN biopsies, and a nuclear PET scan were all inconclusive - unbelievable) she had diagnostic surgery and was diagnosed with Stage IV squamous cell cancer of the neck. She will be starting chemo and radiation soon.

My sister and dad went with her to her first oncology appointment yesterday. Afterward, my sister called to give me the information, but she said something I wasn't expecting. The oncologist is recommending that my mom be tested for the BRCA gene mutation because her breast tumor was triple negative, and there is a high prevalence of TN tumors among people who are BRCA positive.

If my mom is BRCA+, my sister and I will need to be tested (50/50 chance of also being positive) and then if we are positive, we have an 85% chance of developing breast or ovarian cancer in our lives.

I was sent into an absolute tailspin after the conversation with my sister. I was barely hanging onto my sanity before, but now I cannot function. I can't even care for my 2 young children right now other than feeding them and putting them in front of the TV. My husband is at his wits end and has started yelling at me and avoiding me many days a week. I have not eaten anything since my conversation with my sister and the thought of food makes me feel sick.

If my anxiety was ruining my life before, I had no idea it had the potential to get even worse, as now my brain is telling me that the sky is about to fall on my life, because of a very real, factual, and high probability that I could be carrying a gene mutation that will make a cancer diagnosis a sure thing for my future, even with prophylactic surgeries like removing my ovaries/uterus and both of my breasts (BRCA patients who undergo preventative mastectomies still develop breast cancer if there's even a single cell of tissue remaining)

I should also mention that my 45 year old brother-in-law died 3 years ago following a 5 year, horrible fight with THE SAME HEAD AND NECK CANCER that my mother is now fighting, despite no blood relation and no smoking/drinking from either of them. We watched him deteriorate, become disfigured and crippled through surgeries, and watched him die in his home.

It's all been too much. Just too much. And while before, I could rationalize that a lot of my anxiety being amped up lately is because I've "been around" a lot of cancer lately, now the finger is very much pointed right at me for this gene mutation possibility.

I take Xanax 0.5mg occasionally to squelch a panic attack, but my attacks have been so horrible lately that the Xanax is not even touching them, when before it was an effective tool. I even took 1.0mg a few nights ago and it STILL did not stop the panic.

I wish I just didn't exist. I'd say I wish I was dead, but my fear of illness and death is too paralyzing to even consider the possibility of suicide. I don't want to make plans with my family, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I have no motivation to keep a nice house for my family (when before it was something that made me feel good about myself) I'm a complete mess.

Can anyone relate or at least offer some words of comfort?

[Dubba61]

So sorry to hear that Pumpkin. I can only imagine how horrible it is for you. Remember though, you may not have this gene. It often doesn't affect 'all' members of a family. Maybe for the time your going through this you might need different Meds. Also, Councilling would help, I'm sure. I would definitely go back to your Doc. Some years ago when my lovely Dad was terminally ill, i used to find that, playing with the Children helped take my mind off it. Just sitting on the floor with them and building bricks or reading a Story. Children are much more practical about these things, than grownups. I think. I,m sorry i have little to say to help you. But i really do wish you well in this difficult time.

[pumpkinbagel in reply to Dubba61]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am seeing a therapist and she’s great and... she tries... but it’s not cutting through this health anxiety anymore. It’s a nice idea to find comfort in my kids, but they fray my nerves 100x worse. The crying and whining, the floor thumping as they run around, the sharp noises as they suddenly drop a toy. If I sit on the floor they crawl on me and if they happen to graze my chest I get triggered and upset and swear that I “felt” a lump where their arm touched me.

I’ve been crying and melting down all day. Nothing can pull me out of this, because this time there is a real component of my cancer fears, the probability that I could have an 85% chance of getting cancer. Why bother trying to be happy? What’s the point, with a possible future of pain, sickness, surgeries, scans, results from scans, always wondering if it’s coming back. I’ve watched my mother and brother in law live that hell.

I wish I could be put into a coma so my brain would finally be forced to turn off.

[Pearlsnlacay in reply to pumpkinbagel]

Believe it or not.. I wished the same thing years ago. My health anxiety was so bad, that I just wanted someone to knock me out or put me in a coma. I did NOT want to be in my own skin, body, etc! Years have passed since the worst of the anxiety, and I rarely feel that type of intensity anymore. It Will pass. It really will. My grandma died of breast cancer so young that I never even got a chance to meet her. There is a chance I could develop it as well as other women in my family. But, worrying about it will certainly not change the outcome. Do you have faith in God? He already knows your outcome. He has planned everything accordingly. The absolute best thing you can do is live one day, one moment at a time. You're not sick right now. Be thankful for that. You could get hit by a truck tomorrow. What about the cancer then? There are endless 'what if's?' Sometimes we burry other real, tanglible problems in our lives and subconsciously use anxiety as a 'tool' to distract us. I would try to make peace with your mother's illness and enjoy the time that you have with her, and also look at what else might be going on in your life that could be causing you to put all this nervous energy into health fears. Also, Pray about it!

I truly wish you peace and happiness.

Lovingly, from Idaho

[Icanbeathis2016]

Ofcourse i will be glad to offer words of comfort. Im so so sorry that this is even an experince for you. I know for sure that the anxiety and fear of death can put you in a terrible place mentally. It is life changing to say the least. I genuinely wish you nothing but strength through this emotional wait. I so understand how hard it is even having to wait. That waiting process to find out anything is thr worst feeling ever. I certain will say a prayer for you in hopes that this will not be your end all tell all. And for the sake of your kids. I so understand how having kids and dealing with this anxiety is scornful. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I too fear death and whenever i had to deal with death in my near family 3 times in two years, it sent my mentality wildfire. I could not focus on anything. I couldn't eat, I lose so much weight which scared me even more. I couldn't even focus on my kids. So trust me I can relate to how your anxiety has probably went to a whole different dimension that is unbearable. The only bit of hope I can offer you in this very horrendous time for you is that fact that you said all of this started for your mom 10 years ago. She's endure more trauma and you said she recovered through those. It seems as if your mom is very strong and blessed to be able to recover from multiple ailments. I cannot even fatham going through what she has endured. But I think it can give you somewhat of a little piece of hope seeing that she recovered even after years of what she's been through. Which means God can bless you the same. And atleast by the doc being able to get an early detection maybe just maybe this can work out for the better. I truly understand that even my words may not pierce your fragmented mind right now. But I pray for the best for you. I truly hope the best and wish you some peace through this.

[Dubba61]

Yeah, kids tend to pick up on whatever stress is going on. My Mam had Cancer and despite a poor prognosis, she lived a very long life and was Marvellously​ positive. I think that's what kept her going, bless her. I hope you can find some positivity, somehow. Also, that your therapist can help you. You have my very genuine, best regards. Dee

[HearYou]

Dear heart, you are still trying to determine what all this actually means to you. You are in shock and panic. Getting some control over the situation will help you.

First I would suggest you and your husband talk to the medical doctors as well as yu psych doctor who is RX .5 xanax for you. .5 xanax is nothing to help you with your anxiety. Mine is under control most days and I take 1mg morning and at bed time.

The most important adult person in your life is your husband, and need to find out why he is acting like this toward you. So involve him in the medical app'ts so he understands just how important this news is.

Then make the decisions together about your testing for this tye cancer. No matter the results, involve him in it. You need a team and the two of you are it. Then with several other medical opinions make a decision about mastectoies, etc. I respected the wife of one of our Presidents who decide to have a double mastectomy rather than chance cancer raising it's ugly head again.

Please scan the other communities in HU; must be one that involves your situation. You are thinking you are going to be tested positive and will endure the same cancer as your mother.

Your anxiety is jumping 4 moves ahead of where you are. I wish with all my heart you can sit down with your husband to calm him down and the two of you spit in the wind, and go forward. Please keep us up to date on what is happening. xx

[Dignacio]

Hi, I’m Dee. U know ur not alone , I m one of the anxiety complainant before. Only thing I can say is , never let the anxiety took over your mind. It’s letting you think about all those sickness that you might get in the future. Do you know that all those sickness that your thing Kung can be real if you don’t stop thing Kung about it? That’s how powerful our mind can be. Always calm down , take a deep breath and release all fear you’ve got. Be positive , cause your kids needed you. Do some vice versa , instead of giving too much attention finding of something that not suppose to exist , might as well pay attention with your kids and give them a lot your time and have fun, rather than creating fear on your mind. Life is too short you know. I will pray for your quick healing. God will always be with you, just ask help from him❤️ God Bless and be healthy.

[johncraig]

My anxieties are not as severe as yours but I can still relate to your suffering as all anxiety is a horrible at times..you are at least getting help and reaching out for support which shows strength and courage..don't give in to it and keep reaching out to others and eventually it will pay off and you will start enjoying life again..I wish you all the best..john.

[belblac]

I guess its been hard for you what with your Mum always having one thing and another and then having them for real. Also, losing you BIL will have played on your worries more, The fact is though anyone you know and I mean anyone could develop a life limiting illness at any time. The BRCA mutation is a maybe, just like all the maybes that someone else you love will develop a life limiting illness. Your little ones need you and are doing nothing but being children. I am sure you do not want them to grow up to suffer with anxiety over their health like you are doing? You have control over that and you have control to go back to your doctors and ask for some anti-depressants, for it seems to me your worry is causing depression and depression is causing high anxiety. Talking therapies are good but in some cases, not alone. Get some stronger meds to get you through for awhile and love your children when you feel not so good and they will love you back. Try to be determined to give them a balanced outlook on life and not concentrate on ill health. Sure, we all have illnesses and we all know people who do not survive. Not wanting to make you worse but it is not always cancer and there are so many things. Many that may never touch you for you are not in the groups that are susceptible and that is a positive. I lost my best friend, my brother and my favourite cousin aged 30, 30 and 28 within 2 years I was 30. I did not think I was going to die physically but it sent me on a journey into mental health that I thought could never happen to me. I know you are not doing good but please try not to let it all go there. My sons were just 5 and 6 when my friend and brother died and 7 & 9 with my cousin. I told them just the basic facts and I loved them and held them, when I told them. Now they are 38 and 37 and both are balanced, even though my eldest was diagnosed 4 years go with a condition we did not even know existed. Hopefully all will stay well but there is no guarantee and that Pumpkin is life, there are no guarantees but think of all the people you know who are well and healthy and there are a lot more than those we have loved and lost from illnesses and conditions when young. I wish you all the best if you need to take the test. So many do not need to and are not immune. Take care. x

[Lizzie63]

Hi. Pumpkin.

I am really sorry to hear of your anxiety.

We who suffer from anxiety always have a reason for this to come on.

We over think and then get obsessed with these dilemmas.

So much that it overtakes our life.

I have to say antidepressants can help lift the depressive state you get yourself in and when your mood lifts considerably then you can try and tackle the anxiety.

I don't know the answer.

We all have to work that out ourselves.

We all can be frightened of pain and death.

We even want to die because we feel that bad.

I hope you get the help you need.

Take every day that comes.

Thank god god you wake up every day and ask him to take you anxiety away.

Try not to worry extremely about what might not be.

Say to yourself. I am going to push that right to the back of my mind and i will worry about that if it happens.

I send you much love and strength my love.

I hope you be ok and your mum aswell.

Take care x

[Sjpatrick81]

You're giving your anxiety too much power. You have control over your feelings and you're just feeding into them. I should know because I used to be just like you. You're worrying about what everyone else has and what's happening to everyone else. You need to stop obsessing about your health. If you do get cancer, you'll deal with it when the time comes. But don't live like you have cancer now while you're healthy. You're wasting a perfectly good life worrying about things you can't control. You are in control of your health. Exercise and diet is something you can control. Being overweight can make you sickly, like your poor mother. But you don't have to be like that. You can feel better and you can be in control. You have the power.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Sjpatrick81]

Great advice...That's the worst part of having anxiety...we worry so much about the future and all that can happen..that it destroys any joy we could have right now...

[Lotus4]

Sorry your feeling so bad I do take Xanax I have the 0.5 been taking it for years,I also take 5 mg liquid Prozac you are taking a very small dose Xanax leaves the system fast I take 2/12 mg a day in divided doses this is my schedule 0.5 at 8:30 am 1/2 pill at 1 1/2 at 4 1/2 pill 7:30 1/2at 10:30pm at 1:30am 0.5+1/2 pill that’s sounds like a lot but it’s 2/12 mgs a day if you do that it will keep it in your system I would like for you to keep in touch hope you feel better soon!

[Lotus4]

I’m going to oncologist on March 30 for ovarian cysts.