16 and I feel crippled by severe anxiety and just want it to stop please help I feel so alone

[barspeanut]

hi, I've been seeing a therapist for around the past 4 months and next week is my 16th session, I've been having private therapy which has been expensive and I really don't feel as if anything in me has changed, and I still feel the same way as before or even worse. I've always been very shy and quiet all my life but the past few years have really gotten to me as I came to realise how much it has consumed my true personality and how I perceive myself to others where last year I was at a stage where I only had one close friend and realised how lonely I truly am which makes me loathe myself almost everyday.

I spend my weekends indoors and I'm in a constant cycle of school, home, school, home, I basically have no social life and I find it incredibly difficult to make friends and hold genuine conversation.

I'm 16 years old and currently studying at sixth form which I absolutely dread going to everyday, when I'm there I feel as if I am being watched under a magnifying glass and I never feel safe or comfortable unless I'm around my one friend.

Every single morning I jolt awake at around anywhere between 5-6:30am with knots in my stomach, feeling like I want to be sick as if I'm getting ready to perform in front of a large crowd, I often feel dizzy and nauseous with a feeling of impending doom which goes along with it. I just lie usually contemplating my life or I try my hardest to fall back asleep which never happens.

I've had a huge crush on this boy since I started school and I feel like I'll never get over it as I'm unsure if he actually likes me back but I don't want to get my hopes up and become distracted so I want to ignore him and stop thinking about him but whenever I do, I feel anxious and I've just heard things about what he's done like outside of school with other girls and it makes me feel nauseous but I can't stop feeling this way

I have lost interest in all my previous hobbies (art, piano, reading, any form of exercise/sport/dance) and I feel completely drained of motivation as I have found it very hard to study as I just wallow away in my sadness and hopelessness thinking about how useless I am. I've become numb to failure too as this year I have gotten two U's in my exams and multiple F E D and C grades which I find it hard to change.

I feel unapproachable, lost, as if my head is in the clouds, half the time I feel like I don't know what I'm doing but I go along with it anyway, I feel like an idiot, an outsider and I just want to lie down and rot into the ground to hide from my responsibilities and I'm finding it difficult to keep going at this stage. I've killed myself over a hundred times in my head already and fantasise about my own death from time to time especially when I'm in times of sadness and heightened anxiety. I also cry sometimes or I get overwhelmed with a sensation of nothingness that I do nothing at all and just lay there staring blankly at the walls.

My family life is bleak, I hate my life at home, my mum works until late and I really don't like being around my dad. My parents don't fully understand how bad this is, my dad tries to make a joke out of my anxiety whereas I feel my mum does care a bit as she is paying for therapy at least but she often asks me when she has to stop paying or when will i get better or change

I hate the way I look, the longer I look at myself in the mirror I want to throw up, I find face repulsive and I feel fat and ugly. I always feel myself turning the smallest things into the biggest tasks and even the littlest things affect me so much for example, I'll always do things like get my money out my wallet way before I have to pay at the till so I don't hold up the queue and my face goes extremely red whilst its happening and my face goes red anyway whenever I talk to strangers or people I don't know too well.

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore, I feel so hopeless, like I'll never change but I want it to, I can't stop feeling like I want to cry and I feel like a piece of string that's wearing thin and my heart feels heavy and there is a pain in my chest and lump in my throat but I just want this go away so I can just get on with life like everyone else and feel happy again. There's so much more that I would've mentioned but I feel like this is enough and I really need help on how to cope with this.

[DeeM3]

One thing that stands out is how well you write. You are very much in touch with yourself, more so than most your age. An onion comes to mind... you have MANY layers to peel (each being a different feeling or symptom) and you are the center. It’s probably hard to fit in with peers your age with a mature personality. Have you tried journaling your thoughts? I bet you can create a most beautiful story with your thoughts-instead if acting upon them. Are their classes at school in which you can pour such talent to give you confidence, such as poetry or creative writing? Embrace your beauty! Keep in mind that the most gorgeous super model can have similar thoughts as yours. Remember that you have so much to give and SO much more time in your life to do so. As you grow into yourself you will gain confidence. The person I am now at 38 is so incredibly far from the awkward, shy, self conscious 16 yr old I once was. Trials in life build that confidence.