He was healthy and it was completely out of nowhere (it was a blood clot). I'm reeling and keep reliving the moment they told us in the hospital that they couldn't bring him back. I can't get the picture of his body, still warm, out of my head. I'm having trouble sleeping, haven't been back to work yet, and I feel so guilty and anxious. I feel guilty because I tried to be there for my mom the first few days, but she is a manipulative, emotionally abusive person. She's my mom and I love her but everything is ten times harder to deal with when you factor her in. I'm freaking out about the future and what I may have to deal with and everything seems so surreal. I'm anxious about going back to work and having to see people who mean well saying they're sorry. I would welcome any advice or insights from people, especially those who maybe have been through a similiar situation. It's been only 4 days but it feels like forever. This is the worst pain I've ever felt and the anxiety on top of it all is excruciating. I feel like an awful person for not being motivated to do anything.
My dad died very suddenly on Sunday - Anxiety Support
grudgekyoko, my sincerest sympathy. You are in a state of shock right now. You need time to absorb what has just happened.
It happened to me as well many years ago when my father died suddenly falling down the basement steps. I was numb, didn't really comprehend what had just happened. I somehow made it through the wake and funeral supporting my mom and then it took therapy to allow me to grieve in my own way.
I understand the pain as well as anxiety you are feeling. One step at a time and breathe. Deep Breathing will allow you to take the next steps. Don't project into the future. We are here to support you. I care so much. xx
Grudgekyoko, I’m so sorry to hear of this heartbreaking news, you have my deepest condolences.
Just take the time to grieve and remember all the happy memories you have with your father. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. I always remember one thing that my auntie once wrote in a sympathy card after my grandad passed on, she said “death is not the end, it is the beginning of a new life and a new chapter” these words bought me so much comfort as it made me think that somewhere out there my grandad was being given new life as a new person and that maybe one day our paths would meet again. I hope they bring as much comfort to you as they did to me. Stay strong and know he will always be with you 😘 xxxxxxx
Hi there my sympathy on the loss of your father everything must be raw just now the loss of a parent is never easy i lost my mother 2 years ago so i know what your going through ! Time it a great healer please take it one day at a team and dont look to far into the future ! God bless you and your family at this sad time !
It's not even been seven days. You're being too hard on yourself. Give yourself more time to adjust. Maybe even more time if your mother is a more difficult person to be with.
I remember a fear of flying book where the author talked about the worst case scenario: a plane crash. He said if the plane was going down then we'd have no choice but to cope and accept it. I think that's where you are now. You will cope with this because it's happened and there's nothing you can do to change it.
You don't know how you'll manage, but you will. You are stronger than you think and will be even stronger hours, days, weeks, months and even years from now. You will feel less pain and sadness in time. You will cry less often. One day you will laugh and smile again. One day you'll focus on the great times with your father instead of missing the times you'll never have. We all hit rock bottom before we rise again. This is the rock bottom for you. Be patient and kind to yourself during this dark period.
If this moment had happened to someone else, would you expect them to adjust in five days? Of course not. You'll need a lot more time, especially with anxiety issues.
If you'll feel better, feel free to contact your workplace and ask them to act naturally when you return and not bring up your father. I'm sure they'll understand that you don't want to talk about it.
I know how you feel , some years ago this is exactly how I lost my Mum , one minute she was fine the next I had a call saying she had died , not even she knew she had a blood clot and she was gone just like that
It is so hard to explain the shock , I lost my voice for weeks through the shock as well as feeling I could not function , everything was a daze
I think loosing someone so suddenly feels cruel for those left behind as we do not have time to prepare ourselves , say and do all the things we would have wanted to say had we known and we have all those thoughts doing overtime in our heads but as someone said and I was told this about my Mum , the way we lost them is quick and they would have not known or been in pain and I had to hold on to that because I would have never coped seeing her suffer like you would have struggled watching your Dad suffer so keep that thought close it does help in a small way
Opposite parent but like you I was left with my Dad who was the stern manipulative one and nothing you could ever do or say would please him and I to feared how will this now work ?
Well after trying what seemed like forever to make it work with him and his ways I realised I could not change him but I could change me , so I would say if I was needed I was there but in the meantime I would let him get on with it as well as if he started been unreasonable I would tell him and not allow him to treat me in this way , and no it was not easy changing the way I was but a lot easier than thinking I could ever change him and slowly you can do this to , when your Mum starts been like she is in her ways just hear yourself saying in your head " O here we go again " and then let go and get on with your day while ignoring it
Yes I loved my Dad but there was a lot of times I did not like him and that is fine to feel that way just because someone is related does not always mean we have to like the way they are but we can still love them
You will go through all sorts of emotions , from feeling shock , to anger maybe , pain and lot's more , accept each emotion as it comes , it is all part of the grieving process and nothing you feel or think at any stage is wrong we all can grieve differently and it takes time , as others have said 4 days is so early , 4 months even and sometimes it can take a few years or more for some to come to terms with a loss but it will get easier eventually
I think I still have not got over loosing my Mum I have just had to learn to live with it knowing that is what she would have wanted me to do
I am not sure when you have to go back to work but again this is something you will know when you are ready and if you can have and need time of then take it , if you feel you will be better in work then go back again it is different for us all but do what is right for you
People don't know what to say when we loose someone , I feel so many can feel uncomfortable as they want to help in some way but don't know how , and yes they will say How are you which you can think , how do you expect me to be but remember they are concerned and also remember you can say you don't feel like talking about it but you are grateful for their concern but you are still in shock , they will understand
Your Mum as well she will be in shock and maybe the part of her character that is overbearing might come into full swing but also it could be that later on she may mellow but again as others have said try not to think to far ahead because you are only guessing which will make you feel worse because we will think the worse scenario , take each day as it comes and deal with that day the best you can for now and let tomorrow take care of itself
They do say there is nothing to fear but fear itself , which as fear is an emotion and not something physically that can attack us I can see the truth in that , so when you feel it accept it is normal but also remind yourself this is an emotion and won't harm me ( if that makes sense )
Keep talking about how you feel , give yourself time , take each day as it comes and trust you will be ok , the future will be ok and life will go on just like your Dad would have wanted for you because that was the most important thing to him knowing that one day if he was not here you would be just fine and he had done his job been a good Dad and he will be so proud of you
Take Care x
Heavens, your story is mine! My father, whom i loved more than can be imagined, died if a blood clot. He had just been to Mayo where they gave him a clean bill of health!
My mother also was emotionally unavailable and chided me and my sisters for crying so much!
Grief is a hard one. I think we had some valium for calming before sleep. I believe you just have to crawl through it. My sister's doctor would give her no more than 5 Xanax to help her cope. After hurting for so long I'd have disturbing periods of numbness. Feeling nothing was a coping technique for my body, I'm sure. But it was almost worse than the pain. Desperate to remedy this i was driven to jump in my parents unheated swimming pool in early April. It was invigorating and lifted all troubles for a few hours.
No drug can really help, it just draws out the recovery.... ha! Recovery... ive never really recovered BUT IT GETS EASIER! I couldn't even read all the sympathy letters for 5 years!
My heart is with you.
just to say
a) your reactions are actually quite normal in the circumstances
b) can totally relate to what you say about your mother so you aren't alone in that - and finding it difficult doesn't make you a bad person
c) there is a forum that specifically focuses on bereavement
you may find it useful to try to start sharing some memories of what your father was like when he was alive.
dear grudgekyoko, I'm so sorry. My dad died the same way 2 years ago. It really impacted my anxiety, but grief needs time, patience, and lots of acceptance. You need a good support group, so does your mom. Believe it or not, you'll need each other to ease the heartbreak. If you need someone to talk to, we're a click away, so don't hesitate to reach to us. Wherever you go, don't forget to take a DEEP BREATH, it will make things more bearable. I'll be thinking about you. Blessings.
May I begin by offering my sincerest condolences.
I've read the replies and advice offered and I don't feel I can offer much more other than I would like to say that grief is an individual thing. Grieve however you see fit. I have lost 3 members of my family in the last 3 years. My mum, my oldest sister and most recently my oldest brother. My mum and sister died from long standing illnesses and my brother, who was fit and well, died in his sleep with no known cause. My father passed away 32 years ago and at the time I didn't think I would ever recover but I did. It took a long time but it eases. I can also say that they were all equally difficult to cope with. It doesn't matter how someone passes, how old they are or anything like that, a loss is a loss. It's hard and it's harder when you try to grieve in your own way and someone else tries to make it about them.
I'm not sure my long answer is of any help but I pray your pain eases as your mind begins to process this.
As with all of the other members here, msg any time.