Im in the darkest place of my life *resolved*

[kevoreally]

I never thoght I would ever be here again.. after explaining im constantly struggling to wake up in the morning to live this daily atruggle to my fiance i asked her in my own confusing way for reassurance that she can handle my baggage that i hate to give people when a relationship is so i told hwr she has the appetizer part and i have the full course on a daily basis and that my life is a daily struggle to live and in my own form i said if you cant handle this i eed you to tell me that was my form of asking for reassreance and she took that sentence as well as me telling her that the reason i always thought and fet that nothing lats forwver is because i hate giving other people my baggage my issues because o fear they wont want to handle it or cant and i accepted tht most people cant she took this as i doubt the relationshop and flipped shits on me i spent 20 minutes discussing how i hated my life i hated how i was constantly i a negative environment and it has a great impact on my life every morning and that i cannot accept the fact that i am my biological familys son.. i poured my entire dfeelings out and she took two sentences out and atracked me for it..

I have constantly told her the way my mind thinks is not like every one else tha i cannot form sentences that either make sense or that are supposed to be positive but sound negative SHE KNOWS THIS and she had the nerve to hear me out and take those two sentences and tell me once i was done to drop her home because i doubted the relationship and made her feel i waisted her time i told her ARE YOU KIDDING ME i just poured my entire feelings out and your telling me to drop you off i told her im in water with cement bricks on my ankles that every morniy i wake up im constantly trying to swim to the top some days i do aomedays i sink to the bottom im not suicidal as my thoughts are i will NEVER ACT on it i tried it already and gave that up i dont self harm anymore i cant get the strength to end my life my own way.. i let fate do it so PLEASE do not reort me as "suicidal" ill never act on it because i have my thinking still and my mind wont let me because ill care too much of others like i always do idk what to do anymore in this world im literally an empty shell waiting for fate to take me away because ill never do it.. i cant accet the fact that who i am and what i have been throgh is the cause for who i am no one understands me and that is why ill never vent again to anyone i feel i can get close to IM SO DONE so fucking hurt and this wasnt the first time i poyr my feelings out like she asks and that i get atacked for feeling such ways.. she doesnt understand me and i dont think anyone evwr will which why i said i always THOUGHT NOTHIG LASTED FOREVER and all i heard was IDC IM DONE IM DONE i just fucking poured my life out and i got asked to drop her off no fuckig hug no comfort just a fucking "take me home" that was the biggest slap to my face THE FCKI G BIGGEST HEART BREAK and not what i needed I NEEDED COMFORT AND ALL I GOT WAS A TAKE ME HOME

[Agora1]

kevoreally, I am sorry that it was a bad night for you. It's hard for others who don't experience the mental pain of anxiety to really understand. Actually it's almost impossible. I know you feel betrayed in pouring your heart out and feeling the door slam in your face. Let's hope after a good night's sleep and she has some time to think about what transpired, you can talk tomorrow.

I hear how down and out you are right now and I am going to believe you that you won't hurt yourself. You know I take self harm very seriously but I also trust in you. If you continue to need support and feel any bit threatened by your own thoughts, please promise to come back on the forum. Words are said at times that are taken in the wrong context. Right now use this time to breathe and bring your anger and heart break down. I understand your feelings right now but it is doing you no good to continue to ruminate over it.

Stay safe my friend, tomorrow is a new day and most of all Stay Safe. x

[kevoreally in reply to Agora1]

All is well now im not negative thinking we made up after my walk I told her i was sorry she took my words the wrong way and we made up and we carried out the rest of th day I just hope next time shell be more understanding and not take things wrong which im sure will be okay too im good no dumb decisions were made no harm done ✅

[Agora1 in reply to kevoreally]

kevoreally, it's the ending that counts You two are one step closer with each other because of what happened Talking it out is always the best way to handle it. And they lived happily ever after........

[LadyBarb]

This may sound like a very simple answer to what you've just been through ~ and, for that, I do sincerely apologise ❤️️

I can't think of a bigger commitment that any female would make that she can handle your 'baggage' ~ and that's the commitment to marry you, baggage and all! ❤️️😊 She's your fiance!

When you're needing 'reassurance' (and we all do at times!) ~ what you admittedly do (in your own words) is ask her for that reassurance "in your own confusing way", and she takes what you're saying as questioning her commitment to your relationship and gets stressed out, and wants to go home ~ when ALL you needed to say was:

"Please comfort me, I'm in a bad place at the moment?" Ask for a kiss, a hug, an "I love you" ~ anything to show you that she needs you and for her to understand that you need her love very much.

As you've said, she's heard it all before ~ and she still loves you more than enough to marry you. ❤️️ You're a very fortunate person!

Trust me, we all have 'baggage', you're not unique in that! 😳 ~ and if you feel you are 'unique' in that respect, you'll live alone with your 'terminal uniqueness' ~ but, I'd say that's very obviously not what you want to do! 😊

I'm so sorry to say this, but feel it needs to be said ~ you're on the verge of bringing about a 'self-fulfilling prophecy', that "nothing lasts forever"! 😟😢

Do I think that this is the end of your relationship? NO. However, I'd suggest that you ask in future, in simple words, for what you need ~ without massive, confusing, explanations or excuses ~ and accept that she loves you without question! ❤️️

You could also reassure her, that you love her, without question! 😊 The sooner, the better, I'd strongly suggest..! ❤️️

Needing reassurance, and not asking for it "simply" ~ but confusing her instead, will eventually be enough to ruin her life and your own.

Your Fiance's not your "Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or your Counsellor" ~ she's your future wife who you hopefully want to spend a very happy and fulfilling life with?

As for your other very real issues of your struggle through each day ~ please seek professional help, if you're not already getting it..? ❤️️

Please find joy in your Love for each other ~ for Love is JOY! ❤️️😊

[kevoreally in reply to LadyBarb]

Thank you its just hard for me when i speak in person its like social anxiety speaking in front of a class you freeze or you have words right in front of you and you just make zero sense no natter what haha so i guess its really because i never communicated before due to my past and what not but in the end it all worked out

[Agora1 in reply to LadyBarb]

LadyBarb, your response was beautiful, caring and excellent advice. It's what we have learned to expect from the people on this forum.

May you have a good day x

[kevoreally in reply to Agora1]

I think i only get depr ssed one day cause today i feel as if nothing like this post happened

[Agora1 in reply to kevoreally]

Great kev, leave it that way...it happened, it's resolved, you go on.

Good for you, This is one time you want to leave it in the past.

It's forgotten...Make it a positive day

[kevoreally in reply to Agora1]

Haha absolutely l

[Hidden]

It's hard being around people who have issues. I'm not sure I could handle it myself if I were not affected but not but other people were, either depression or anxiety or both ?. You don't even know if the people you ask are affected too, they may keep quiet because you seem worse than them.

You and everyone can only do the best they can, as long as you're not being offered dramatic and causing issues because you enjoy the drama, believe me it happens, then you can not be blamed.

I always try and avoid deep conversation with everyone. Life is hard enough and I enjoy laughing and feeling good.

I would have told you to take about something else if I'm honest.

Be kind to yourself and others.

[kevoreally in reply to Hidden]

Well you must discuss dark things with people.. it may get out wether you want it to or not.. cant hide behind the fake laughs or good times too long we are human we feel we cannot pretend all is well and when we get alone time it shows trust me it sounds like you kinda fear deep connections with others or even yourself i hope you further investigate that /: as you should be able to be sad and be happy and not worry about being judged or what ever it is that worries you but than kyou for your input im good now

[greeneyes2]

Glad all ok now, good to hear 😊

[kevoreally in reply to greeneyes2]

Why thank you yeah i just havent had a vent session in a long time and when i did i was crushed at the response i got and i just was depressed for a day and very anxious but im good now until the next time i explode haha but im all good and back and running did laundry and paid bills and soon ill be BMXing for a little while namaste to all!!

[Jeff1943]

Kev, I'm away from home right now but had to write to say don't blame her, you frightened her big time, I'm not surprised, that was a heavy outburst to take on board, she didnt know how to respond and was upset and scared, see it from her viewpoint. If theres anything in the relationship she will respond after reflection.

[kevoreally in reply to Jeff1943]

Yeah your right jeff thanks for the response we made up right after my walk and felt so much better