In a dark place right now

Okay so hi, im new here. Any help would be appreciated massively, thanks.

So i think i struggle with anxiety, ive never done anything about it as i thought one day it would just go. Apparently not. Im 18 now and have been struggling with it since early secondary school i think. My parents broke up when i was young and i dont remember much about it, but i love them both. My dad is very laid back, but my mom is very controlling and when she shouts at me im scared to answer back. In fact i might be like that with everyone. I have a stepdad, but my mom and him argue constantly. And i mean like every day, anywhere. But they seem to love the hate and theyve been together for 13 years and i THINK this is the problem. Maybe some underlying parent issue? I also find it hard to talk to girls and i get attached very easily. My longest relationship has been a few weeks. Ive been clubbing with friends and i dont want to go because i scared to go, even if i have a good time in there i dont want to go again. When i was young i was told i was a very talented goalkeeper but i was to nervous to play for a team so never got noticed, i think it was because i was too scared to let anyone down. I havent played football for a team because of this. I dont really enjoy playing anymore. I remember going training for a team and i was so much better than their other goalkeeper but i hated going. I always remember one kid at school who played for the same team saying "why have you joined us for" and i felt terrible and never went again. Ive actually had a dream where i meet this kid and ask him why he said it. I remember it so vividly. Also i cany sleep and i have to force myself to sleep by watching youtube until i finally fall asleep.

So thats mostly my past. Now ive just finished college and im scared. Im scared because i dont know what to do. Im scared to ask around for jobs. Im scared to work. Yesterday my mom was pissed at me because im so unsure about my life and i have no idea about what i want to do and this scares me. When my mom calmed down she said to me "i dont want to be the bad person ect..." and i broked down and cried right there in front of her. I think its because i thought when i was young that id have some kind of grasp on my life my now and id know what i want to do. Fact is i am the furthest ive ever been from knowing what i want to do. I wrote out my cv today but i dont know what i will do with it. No job excites me. In fact i see it as just following the same path as someone else until i die or cant work anymore. This scares me. Im too scared to talk to my mom about it. My dad might listen but i dont think hed take it seriously. Im thinking about seeing a therapist but i dont know if i could afford one or if i could get the courage to see one. Please if anyone could help me id be so grateful. Thankyou for reading this if anyone is and sorry for rambling on.

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  • Hunny I'm 25 and I don't even know what I wanna do with my life besides be better then what I am today. Every day I try to be better then the day before. Youre only 18 you're still living your life. What frightens you when you go out? In the same way. I hate going anywhere by myself or even with people because im afraid of having an anxiety attack. I understand where you're coming from. If you wanna talk more message me. Ill be glad to help you out 😊

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