Supposed to be starting again in September, but I think I'm going to scrap that idea and doddle along with whatever life brings. I seriously won't be able to commit to College like this, my condition won't change within 3 months! Might take another year out and then see what happens, but I don't think returning this year will do me any good. I am 50/50 as I really want that qualification, but I don't want to be back in the same suicidal state I was early this year, decision final.
Sometimes I need to be hard on myself and admit defeat, I can't be a perfectionist with everything! But I will, with time.
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MuffinChops
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10 Replies
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Hi muffin, I'm a maladaptive perfectionist along with many other things I think you have to do what's right for you. From what I've read you have quite a lot on your plate at the minute, I understand you're going into adult services soon (I have to say my experience with these services has been outstanding) maybe you should concentrate on feeling well again before you take anything else on? I dont think you've been defeated I think you have made the right choice for you at this time, and that's a little victory.
(((hugs)))
Eva
XxxX
****I'm a maladaptive perfectionist along, with many other things.***
Lol. Xx
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What is wrong with me today.
** I'm a maladaptive perfectionist, along with many other things.**
Heheeee, I do EXACTLY the same thing, I absolutely hate getting something wrong, it absolutely kills me. I feel like if I don't do the slightest thing, even grammar, spelling and punctuation, I feel like I've utterly failed, which is why I'm a bit of a writer lol. You could kind of call it OCD type, although I don't see it like that, I'm just a high achiever (strive to be). That's why it took me from September 2012 to May 2013 to decide my time at College was up, I should have quit long before May, but I seriously didn't want to leave and then be called a failure. The day I quit College, I immediately wrote up an application form for this September! Now, I'm not so sure it's the right thing, I am still suffering, and College would cause much more stress as I am worse with anxiety and depression now. Thank you for your comment, it's greatly valued. xx
Hi muffin, you're very welcome. Hehe it certainly is an affliction! I've mentioned it to my phsycologist, along with many other "quirky" (for want of a better word) things I do, she says I have "highly compulsive tendencies" rather than OCD, although my phsyciatrist says I do have OCD.......confused.....me too lol.
I so feel for you - I understand college is a big decision, could you still apply when your feeling well enough to? From my experience when I have piled on extra pressure, i.e work and such, it triggers my anxiety to such an extent, I now, do not work. For others though (my friend included) I'm sure they feel the need to work, not only to pay bills, but to allow some sembelence of "normality" into their lives. This demon affects us all as individuals, you shoud do what you feel is right for you. As anxiety sufferers we have the ability to beat ourselves around the head mercifully with a big stick, so to speak, we forget to be kind to ourselves (some are unable, me included, I find it very hard work.) We are so highly tuned to everything and everyone around us, that sometimes it necessary to take a step back, just to breathe and to realise what helps, and what hinders in certain situations.
I wish you the very best of luck with your decision,
Sometimes letting go is the right thing. But it's not always the easiest. It's like Dumbledore (or however the old fella's name is spelt) says that sometimes we must choose between what is right and what is easy. But it's worth it in the end.
Hi, really feeling for you. I've had to deal with my daughter's situation recently and she has made a life/career changing decision too at the age of 18 (due to ill health).
Also... not to bore you but I lecture in college and have worked so hard at getting students with a variety of difficulties (you wouldn't believe) through, and successfully, with a lot of communication and patience.
Is it something you can discuss with them? take any support they can offer? right from the start rather than begin and find yourself in difficulty? It may be that instead of that distinction you go for a pass/merit? or whatever, that they support you with an action plan, deadlines etc... all due to medical circumstances?
Sorry if you have already gone through this thought process, was just wondering.
I really wish you well and not just luck but that you are at peace with your final decision - no regrets.
Wow, can you message me what College you teach at? Would be freakish if it was the same College as me lol!
The reason I am so worried of returning to College, is because of the amount of rubbish I went through with the staff there because of my mental illnesses. They were great at the start and came up with action plans and other ways around the 'rules' to help me out, but then after it got to the point of me being suicidal, they lost care and didn't want to know. I was suspended from College for being suicidal and depressed, they say it was for my own good, but we all know it's more so they don't have to deal with it. Most campuses have a protocol for mental illness, they boast a lot about how much they 'support' it, but I had no experience of this.
I did confide in one lecturer, my course tutor, she was the nicest person at that College to be honest, and the only one that seemed to care. Looking back I feel terrible that I landed all of my crap on her, even though I wasn't expecting her to sort it out for me, it just helped to know she was there and she understood. However, I think she felt overwhelmed and pressured by me, due to her obviously not being qualified in mental health, it was out of her depth, and I understand this. Because I understand it so well, I became paranoid about seeing this lecturer, after spilling my guts, I then wanted to avoid her as much as possible, and I still do, but that's just because I feel so guilty for putting her through what I did, she was the first person to ever find out I was struggling. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have any help at all now, not even CAMHS, so I thank her for being cruel to be kind. I haven't seen her since I was suspended, I left a few days after my suspension had ended, and I was too paranoid and anxious to go back, which is ultimately why I left. I do want to go back, just to clear things up, but it's practically impossible as I'm not returning to College, and I can't email her as I feel like a nuisance, even though I'm not a student any more. Apart from my course tutor, the rest were utter pricks. It seems, the higher up the hierarchy you go (staff wise), the less they care.
Hmmmm... could be my daughter writing the above. Just checked your not! lol. and with a different 'condition'.
My daughter too was 'dropped' from being an A* student. Right from nursery, also gifted and talented throughout schooling, always put in over 100%, liked by all, until December with a teacher who has a reputation to 'drop' 'troublesome' students to a point where there's no point in them registering them with the awarding body!... but you'll know all that goes on
... and yes you're right, the tutor is NOT trained or qualified and was probably well out of her depths (the danger is that you can cause more upset and damage once you commit to a student in that way). Could have all sorts of repercussions, disciplinary, vulnerable position etc... I do think you have been poorly treated (can't say you have been supported really), we found that keeping them ticking over in college was much more healthier than them staying at home or wherever with no plan of action.
... and yes the further up the hierarchy the less in touch they seem to be where you simply become a statistic. Their role is achievement driven.
Maybe a simple thank you card, not too much detail, posted to the college would be suffice. From my experience that has much more impact than an itinerary of how I turned lives around.
So going back to your original statement - sounds like you really need to work out what you would LIKE to do rather than feel you NEED to do something. Always a good starting point. Like I say my daughter is studying something she had never planned on, but is seeing it as a year of 'respite' where she can still achieve but not beat herself up about it every day... and yes she does want to study it even though it's not in her long term plan... just until she's healthy again.
I would take care of signing up on courses if you feel you're not going to achieve, it might become a habit and obviously not look well on your CV's. Sorry that's just a practical study/employment observation. Wouldn't it be great to say that despite all your adverse circumstances you DID get through ... whatever course... next time?
Obviously meanwhile seek any support from elsewhere, GP's etc... to help you move on.
Good luck and keep us posted. I'm really rooting for you hear you know!
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xx
How I'm feeling right about now now
too scared to fly - help
Can't handle this right now. 
