New to here and desperately needing to know if anyone relates

[Klbtc]

My name is Kirby and I am a 25 year old female. I have been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder accompanied with agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, bi polar and depression.

None of those said titles really have much meaning to me other than panic and anxiety. I feel like I just need to know someone relates to me right this second. I have been to a facility called The Meadows to treat my severe anxiety however its been over a year and i feel like the agoraphobia is coming back.

I feel dependent on my boyfriend of three months. I moved to California from Texas about six or seven months ago to change my environment because going back to Texas after treatment wasn't the best idea.

I was independent and doing things on my own which were extremely stressful but gradually getting easier but then i started dating someone and am finally back in school.

im petrified to be alone now, he just tried to leave and i freaked out felt like i was losing my mind and begged him not to go, its not just the physical sensations of a panic attack it was like i was losing my mind and not knowing why i would do this to myself. i feel like im going insane and dying or suffocating and i just dont understand. i know how the mind works, i understand everything about anxiety i just need to know if someone can relate. i am so over and annoyed with myself and just hoping someone out there has felt this way even though thats a terrible thing to desire. but it would maybe soothe this anxiety.. im even already thinking about class in the morning.. i cant get my medicine until after and im so so so petrified.

suggestions? anyone can relate?

thanks

[tamka38]

Sorry u having a tough time. I have alot of the same phone diagnosis i know it can be hard. Hugs to u 💞 im here if u want to vent

[Klbtc in reply to tamka38]

Thank you for the response I just don't want to feel these panic attacks anymore and I wish I didn't need someone else to tell me I am okay. Like why cant I fell myself that?

[Lynl in reply to Klbtc]

You can tell yourself that , you just have to believe it.❤️

[Agora1]

Hi Klbtc, I understand completely what you are going through right now. I suffered from anxiety for many years until it became impossible for me to leave my house. Agoraphobia took over for 5 years. I went through the same feelings physically and emotionally that you are going through. The fear of being alone was terrorizing. Mentally terrorizing. I'm embarrassed to say I gave the house key to 2 little old ladies who lived next door so they could check in on me. I needed that assurance that I was safe, that I would be okay. I watched season after season go by through the window, the thought of going out scared me. I became afraid of everything. Fear of fear settled in. I really had no need to go out since everyone came to me. Doctor, nurses, lab techs etc. I don't think anyone realized the impact this had on my life because I could order groceries and have them delivered, Amazon became my friend, so who needed to go out.

I realized one day, I did not want to spend my life looking at the 4 walls. The time had come for me to make some changes. My therapist was on speed dial. We used phone sessions. She was at my beck-and-call several times a week. Many of the things she had been telling me for years now started to make sense. I needed to accept anxiety as not harmful. I needed to get control back of my life. I was determined to make this work. Small steps in getting out were used. I was like a baby learning to walk and experience life. One step led to another. One day, I sat in my car, it felt good since I hadn't driven in 5 years. From sitting to moving the car to the end of the drive, to going around the block, to going through a drive up pharmacy until finally one day I went to the Dollar shop. I'll never forget the feeling that my legs were heavy and there was hesitation in my walk. Fast forward....1 and 1/2 hours later, I came out of the store with bags in my arms, a smile on my face and a high feeling of satisfaction that I'll never forget.

I had done it...finally after all these years, it felt good to get out again. The next time and the time after that became easier. Oh yes, of course there were many days in between that I stayed home but the fear of fear was gone. Bigger and better things were waiting for me. I brought my deep breathing with everywhere I went. From driving, in the store, when talking with people I met. It kept me calm and in control. That was over 2 years ago. I'm off my benzo medication and I feel great. There really is a light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

Finding this forum (which wasn't there for me) will help support you. There are many others who have agoraphobia besides anxiety and other mental health issues. So you are never alone. We are here to help each other through some difficult times. Be positive, never give up, always go forward and believe in your heart that you can and you will take the power back from the Anxiety Bully. My best and good luck x

[Klbtc in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much, you have no idea how much relief this gives me. i had to move back in with my mom before going to get treatment. she said it was like having a child again. she had to put her life on hold for about a year and a half for me because i called 911 when she left a few times because i thought i was going to die.

Thank you so much you have no idea how much you just helped me.

i am so happy for you and knowing someone else got through this and are off your benzos.

i cannot get my script until after class and i am terrified of class in the morning but i cant miss it. i guess deep breathing will do the trick if it worked for you. even if i think its going to kill me i know it wont right?

i cant tell you how much this helped me literally brought tears to my eyes, i am so thankful and so happy for you!

[Agora1 in reply to Klbtc]

Klbtc, I am glad that my response gave you some hope and understanding that you are not alone in going through this. However, please take note of "jrcnpg" response on withdrawing from benzos. It's a powerful drug that has it's place in therapy but should ALWAYS be supervised under a doctor's care. Stay safe, stay positive and you will get there.

Hope today is going well in class. Good Luck! xxx

[Lynl]

You need to fight with all you have, your young and have hopefully an understanding boyfriend, you are otherwise healthy. Take small goal steps by doing activities outside the home but stay close , you said your in school so keep going and make a plan with your boyfriend to have a full charge on both your phones in case you need someone to talk to quickly. And just knowing that will be comforting. Keep in touch

[Klbtc in reply to Lynl]

he is very understanding. thank you so much for the response and the advice. it helps knowing there are people there. i truly appreciate your words.

[Lynl in reply to Klbtc]

Anytime, keep pushing forward, love and 🤗 hugs

[jrcnpg]

First thing is under no circumstances stop taking any benzodiazepines you may be taking without the assistance of a doctor. Benzodiazepines are medications which are very, very addictive and to withdraw from them is worse than attempting to withdraw from heroin or cocaine. Your doctor ought to have advised you of this when your first prescription for them was issued to you. The symptoms of fear and anxiety and feeling as though you are going to die are all symptoms of benzodiazepine withdrawal. I say this because I am speaking from experience. I was never told that nitrazepam and diazepam were, as I said, addictive and dangerous to come off without medical support. I was fitting and eventually had to take me to the hospital where the doctors took note of all the medications I was taking for various reasons and my diabetic things (I am diabetic) and if it wasn't for the logic of one of the junior doctors I would probably have died. They gave me an immediate blood transfusion and a drip delivering a mix of benzodiazepines. When I gained consciousness I had an ice bag on my forehead, a cannula taped to a piece of wood which made me think that my arm was working but it was there to avoid any fits I had from dislodging it a fan at either side of my head and a nurse wiping the sweat from my face. Needless to say, my medication needed to be adjusted yet even now I still take a small dose of lorazepam each day and should I reach the point when I wanted to come off that I would certainly get help from my GP. Sounds brutal all of this but it is true and was the first thing that came to my mind when I was reading your problem. Take care.

John

[Agora1 in reply to jrcnpg]

jrcnpg, Absolutely Imperative that benzos are never stopped cold turkey. It should

only be done under the guidance of your doctor (in my case, my psychiatrist) who slowly and safely weaned me down over a 2 year period. And even at that, it is not an easy task. Thank you for bringing up this most important message regarding benzos.

I am so sorry you had to experience what you did. No one should have to. Doctors do need to make patients aware of the dangers of coming off medications.

Take care John and thanks once again for reminding us, safety comes first..

[jrcnpg in reply to Agora1]

Many thanks for that. Even these days doctors usually prescribe benzodiazepines without telling the patient how addictive they are. I recall that my now late Moher in Law was prescribed lorazepam (Ativan) for her vertigo and related ailments and for some reason she wanted to come off them and she ignored the advice I tried to give her because of my own experience. I have never seen a usually loving, protective, hilarious human being metamorphosed into a jibbering wreck, sliding her hand backwards and forwards across the settee with such a lack of care in her eyes. I said again that she ought to come off them very, very slowly and for one week she took the full dose for three days then a reduced dosage for the remainder of the week and then continue with a lower dose for another week and you know the rest. At her worst, she used to be unbearable and we had a family holiday in Llandudno in Wales and the rest of us had never been as shocked and embarrassed to hear what she was saying to the landlord of the flat we wished to rent for a fortnight. She sounded like she had drunk an entire bottle of vodka, high as a kite but desperately rude by saying that couldn't stay in such a filthy flat. I would not wish that on my worst enemy and so yes, we need to keep awareness of these drugs and advise people accordingly when they have been prescribed these medications. Many thank once more.

[Agora1 in reply to jrcnpg]

John we have to be our own advocates at times. I was left on a tiny dose of Xanax for 30 years....thank goodness I had the guidance to bring me down off them slowly and safely. Doctors don't tend to leave you on a daily dose nowadays but we still need to be cautious coming off them.

Make it a great day John

[jrcnpg]

Thanks for that. I was just describing what my ex-and late!-Mother-in-law went through. In the end, they gave her anti-depressants which produced one more difficulty. After three days she used to say she was going to the doctors to get her pills changed. I told her that time is crucial in any anti-depressant and that some of them take up to six weeks before any benefit is felt. She would not believe that. Still, there was nothing else but for us to assist her in any way we could.

John