Drugs or CBT not working for me

[Moomstonemama]

It seems that things aren't working for me. I seem perfectly fine on the outside to everyone but inside I feel this heavy feeling of dread and fear. I can't explain the feeling. I don't get a lot of physical anxiety any more. I got pacing, not sleeping, vomiting and retching every morning, not able to eat etc. Those have gone. I just have this feeling all the time. I wake up scared and find it hard to get out of bed. Then I force myself throughout the day to do things. I feel anxious 24/7. I felt like with my anxiety and the dp/dr that I had that I was kind of layered like an onion and layers would come off and I could find myself a little more clearly. Now that seems to have come to a halt and I'm just stuck here. I tried talking with my counsellor but I feel like she doesn't get it. Or maybe it's me that doesn't get it. And the drugs just don't seem to be improving things. In fact I sometimes wonder if the drugs make me worse. I feel like I'm trapped in this life being afraid of death. Like nothing in this life can make me feel truly happy anymore. Like there's a part of my soul that's gone missing or something. Idk. I'm just fed up of wanting to cry all the time. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I feel like I'm going through the same loop all the time and that for people around me it's getting old and there's nothing they can do to help. That's why I write on here. I try really hard to keep it together. I just want the old me back. 😢

[miss-m]

I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. I have lost almost everyone in my life because of the SAME way you are feeling. I cry all the time and about everything. It has led to my losing the person I love more than anything. I feel very alone and absolutely tired all the time. Everyone tells me to fight for myself and fight through the pain and hurt and sadness. I have accepted the pain in my chest, the heavy scared feeling and the shaky all the time feeling. the part that is hard to accept is the hurt from losing people (which I find funny because no matter what someone else is going through I NEVER leave their side, even if I don't know what they are going through.)

I am sorry for going on and on. what I am trying to tell you is that you are not alone. I do have one positive feeling, however fleeting it may be, I know that we can get through this. knowing that someone else can relate is HUGE! I am always here for you,( even only knowing you for 2 minutes lol.) and I will never get tired of listening. I will never tell you its getting old. I will talk you through the worst of times because I truly understand.

I agree with you when you say that its possible the meds make it worse because I feel that way as well ALOT. I take 300 mg of Effexor and clonzapam for the "oh crap" moments when I cannot breathe. I swear they just make me fuzzy, not better.

rely on me. you will find that getting everything out will take so much weight off your shoulders.

You can make it through this, We can make it through this.

[Moomstonemama in reply to miss-m]

Thank you miss-m. Truly truly appreciate your support. I do have great support at home but my fear is they will get tired of listening. I'm sorry you have lost people you love. We will get through this nightmare. Take care. I'm here for you too!!