Close to giving up

[Partychic222]

Hi, I'm new to using these websites but I'm running out of options so please bear with me. I live with my boyfriend, whom I love very much and will talk about later in this post. I am 19 years old and Everyone says I'm one of the nicest people theyve ever met, maybe too nice. I let people walk all over me and would never dare to do anything about it, I like it that way, I like to help people, but when I miss something or fuck something up I get very upset with myself.I can't stop thinking about it, I had to leave work today because I was so anxious because I messed something up, I couldn't stop shaking and was almost crying while serving people at the resteraunt. Usually I love work, I never had problems like this before until it started getting busier with the summer. I had to leave early another day this week too because of the same problem, anxiety.

I feel like it's taking over my life, I get so anxious when my boyfriend and me fight, I shake and even vomit sometimes. We've been fighting a lot lately because my anxietys gotten so bad, he says that I changed and am not the person he started to date two years ago. It really breaks my heart. I used to be fun, now I can't even ride in cars, every time I get in the car it's "slow down, please slow down!!" I'm always freaking out and gasping and feel like I'm gonna die on said car ride. I can't drive at night anymore.But also I feel as though he is partially responsible because he does text and drive (i do not condone him I scream and yell and make him stop), and all he does is talk about cars while we're driving and remark on other people's cars even though I always tell him to stop because it's making me anxious to think so in depthly about cars and Engines and pistons making explosions blah blah blah. But he always yells at me and tells me that since I don't drive yet I can't complain.

He always yells at me when I get anxious, he always yells at me in general. Never anything mean like I'm ugly or something, but that's the way that I feel when he's yelling at me. He calls me a the c word and a b**** but always apologizes after we get into a crazy fight. Sometimes he says he's gonna break up with me if I don't get myself together and stop being so anxious and learn how to drive. He always tells me I'm being ridiculous when I'm anxious and I shouldn't be that way in front of his friends because they'll think I'm crazy and never want to hang out with me.

Now I keep everything inside in front of everyone, even my friends even though I shake and want to cry and have awful days.

I keep a lot ofamoxicillin in my purse, even though I'm allergic to it, so if I ever want to commit suicide I'll have a plan. I haven't told anyone even my boyfriend about this, I don't want to die, but I don't know if I'm cut out to live on this earth, I have no real friends, I'm very boring and not very funny or smart. People at work like me and we hang out sometimes, but I just think it's because they feel bad for me because they see how down I am all the time, but I know there's no real friendship there. I'm too quite, I don't like to really talk to people, have the time I'm even silent with my boyfriend, who's a complete chatterbox, I think it bothers him. I think if I died he would be so much happier, he'd find someone who's not crazy and just better. I know my family would miss me a lot, they live right down the street from me but I can't live there because a lot of them do drugs and it's just a very bad envirement. I know they'd get over the loss though.

But like I said I don't want to die, I just know that's the direction I'm headed if I don't get any help, because I don't want to live here the way that I am. I burn myself a lot with hot metal, my boyfriend always finds the marks and gets so angry and feels so betrayed, but he doesn't really like to talk about it with me, he finds them, gets angry and then forgets about them, at least that's how it feels, I don't think he really cares. The other day he told me he thinks I burn myself for attention, I would turn to him wig all of this but again, now I feel like he's gonna tell me I'm searching for attention, or he'll get mad about why I feel this way in the first place. He'll take it too personally. I don't know how or want to talk to anybody else though, I already see a councilor and as far as she knows I'm doing perfectly fine, even though in reality I'm far from fine. I don't want to talk to family or friends because I'm embarrassed, and I don't want them to worry or feel bad for me.

I don't want to go to the hospital either, I don't think I need to, and everyone will judge me, I don't wanna leave my home. Somebody please give me advice, I'm breaking

[Partychic222]

Sorry about double posting btw I would delete one of them but idk how yet

[Hidden]

Hello

You are not looking for attention with burning yourself you are crying out for help , same with the tablets and feeling you want to die but you don't what you do want is someone to listen and understand and help you

You will get lot's of understanding on here and I hope that will help in a small way to know you are not alone and you can be you as well on here you do not as I say have to wear a mask and be chatty or the life and soul of the party when talking on here you can be just the way you are and people will still care and like you

You do need to go & see your Doctor , you are young and have all your life ahead of you and so getting all the support you can is really the best thing you could ever do but you have to tell your Doctor just how things are and no they will not send you to Hospital , they need the beds to much , only if you are a danger to yourself or others do they put people in hospital , otherwise all treatment is done by appointments

Usually your Doctor would refer you to the Mental Health Team , please do not see these words as meaning you are Mental as you are far from it it means your mind is poorly and they have to give some kind of title to it but then they would normally asses you and decide which route would be the best way to go , could be therapy or Counselling of some sort you would talk it through with them and have as much input in saying what you think as they would

I would take a copy of this post with me to your Doctors and let them read it you describe so well what you are going through and then let them start you on the way to a better life where you are not full of anxiety

Most of us have been there or are where you are and it does get better but we have to seek the right help

Take Care x

[EdanaBrietta]

You need to be honest with your counselor. They cannot help you, and therefore you cannot get better, without you being honest with them. I just saw my therapist yesterday and completely broke down because I was finally in a safe space where I could air all my fears and anxieties without judgment.

Your counselor's office is your safe space. Share all of these thoughts and fears with them. It's their job.

Please don't kill yourself. You are valuable, even if you don't feel like it. You started off the post saying that people call you the nicest person they ever met. That's something great and people want to be around others who are nice. You are valuable, you have worth, and you have something to contribute to this world. You may not know how to contribute yet, but look for ways to help others with the qualities you have (your kindness, your understanding because of the hardships you've described, etc.). You will find something. Killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (it may not feel temporary, but you'll look back and realize that it was).

Remember: you are valuable, lovable, worthy of love, and you would be missed dearly if you died- by people whose lives you didn't even know you touched.

[Agora1]

Hi Partychic222, As I was reading your post, I could understand the severity of your anxiety and how it spills over into your social life and workplace. Most anxious people are the nicest people you would ever want to meet. We hold our emotions close to us. We want to help others but don't want others to know we may need help at times.

What bothers me the most is knowing you are walking around with a "plan" in your purse for just in case. As lulu-1 stated, it's more than time to see your doctor. It doesn't necessarily mean hospitalization but help. Everything seems to be pushing your buttons right now. You are reacting to the pressure of this stress with physical and emotional harm. Apparently, your counselor either doesn't know the extent of your fears or hasn't grasped the seriousness. You need a therapist who you can feel safe and relate to, although I feel your family should be made aware of your issues as well.

No one in the mental health field judges others when they come in for help. No one on this forum judges others for what they post. These are your 2 safe areas right now that you need to reach out to for your safety's sake. Please take the first step forward by calling your doctor. You need to take care of YOU right now and put others on the back burner. My best to you x

[kushkryss]

start with being honest with your therapist- and tell your boyfriend to do some research on anxiety/depression and to stop being such a dick...

[Kiwimama]

I don't think your boyfriend sounds like the right type of person to have in your life right now. You need to surround yourself with people who will encourage and support you.

You don't deserve to be verbally abused. You are worth so much more than that. Nobody deserves that and nobody has the right to yell at you and call you names.

Like you I suffer from anxiety in cars. I have found seeing a counselor immensely helpful and urge you to seek one out.