Disgusted

I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I've had bouts where I've been unable to leave the house, eat, sleep. I have panic attacks, obsessive/intrusive thoughts, generalized anxiety, derealization/depersonalization, and all the wonderful physical symptoms that come along with anxiety. My depression makes it extremely difficult to be movitated. It's difficult to get out if bed, shower, and face the day. As a result I have missed alot of university and have fallen behind in many classes which has increased my anxiety level. I have a tough home life which is what triggered the onset of my anxiety/depression years ago. I am seeing a therapist (effective), have tried medication (innefective) and am trying to get better. Home is supposed to evoke feelings of comfort, safety, and warmth. Instead it evokes anxiety and depression. My parents want to get a divorce but can't because mom is unemployed and we can't afford to move. My mom is unemployed which worries me. My brother has been hospitalized 3 times for psychosis where I didn't see him for months at a time while he was in the hospital. His first hospitalization is what started my anxiety/depression. I was only 13 and traumatized. Now at the age of 18, I still continue to suffer with anxiety/depression. He currently doesn't want to go to college, get a job, barely eats/sleeps and barely leaves the house. My mom worries about him (which worries me about her), and I worry about him alot. Home is a stressful place for me. 5 months ago, I met a boy and we've been dating ever since. He has brought me happiness. I decided that I would inform him of my anxiety/depression and share my situation with him. In the past when I've tried, he has gone silent and not known what to say because he has no knowledge/understanding of the subject. Last night, I was at an all time low. I was laying in bed crying, panicking, and for the first time felt that I didn't want to live anymore, that I wanted to give up. It took all the strength and courage in me to give him a call and tell him that I wanted to give up. I am beyond shocked and disgusted at his reply. I am extremely hurt and he made me feel 10x worse. I know many of you will be offended by his response, as was I. When I opened up to him last night crying on the phone, this is what he told me:

-It's your own fault

-You want to feel that way

-You can control it/ snap out of it

-Wake the f*** up

-Stop being a baby and grow up

-You don't want to get better

-You use your anxiety/depression as an excuse for everything

-You are embarassing

-You are dumb

-You're only that way because you are a spoiled brat

-You are weak

-Your life is perfect

-People have it way worse than you

-Everyone gets sad, you're not special

...Those are a few of the replies I got. The entire conversation consisted of him saying the things above. I've tried educating him on it and letting him know that I can't help it. I've talked about the fight/flight reaction and gave him examples to help him understand. He doesn't understand. He will not change his view or be the least bit sympathetic. He thinks it's my fault that I feel this way and that I want to feel this way and that I could easily just snap out of it all but that I want to suffer. At the end of the conversation, I wanted to give up even more, I cried even more. His response was disgusting and I'm still in shock that he could say those things to the person he supposedly loves. The worst part of all, he didn't see anything wrong with what he was saying.

Ignorance is bliss...

What are your thoughts on the matter? I want to break up with him over this. I don't know if I could be with someone who feels this way about me and my condition. I'm afraid that breaking up will trigger an even more severe bout of anxiety/depression.

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5 Replies

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  • Before I say anything else, what age is your boyfriend?

  • He is 18

  • Hello

    I am so sorry you are going through so much at such a young age and I wish I could give you a great big hug because I think that is something you maybe lacking someone to look after you and worry about you a little bit as you seem to be taking on everyone else's worries at such a young age which you really have to stop doing

    We can never solve other peoples issues even when they are close family and neither are we responsible to do so we can only work on ourselves try and get to a better manageable place and then maybe we can be there for others but till then it will just drag you down even more

    I know it is never easy but try and take a step back from the guilt you may feel that you need to support your family and put you first as you are the most important person in your life :-)

    Please talk with your Doctor about these latest feelings especially the one's where you felt you did not want to be here any more as they need to know so they can give you the best treatment possible :-)

    As for the young man well what can I say , you are both young and I might get pulled up for saying this but most boys do not mature mentally as quick as the girls and his response showed immaturity and a lack of respect in my opinion he has a lot to learn and I don't think from what you are saying is happening in your life at the moment he would be the one that could give you the support you need especially in a relationship so if it were me I would walk away as despite whatever problems I had I would not let anyone pull me down like that especially someone as you say was suppose to love me , there will be someone else but give it time and as you get older you will also realize that happiness has to come from within and when it does anyone that happens to come in our life's enhances that happiness we already have but when they are not about we can still be happy :-)

    I hope slowly but surely with all the support you can get things slowly get better :-)

    Take Care x

  • If he's a good guy and you want to keep him around then he just needs to be educated more because people that don't know always say "snap out of it" actually my husband told me to snap out of it and I was livid but now he spoke to a few people and did research, spoke to the doctor, and he truly understand now. I will be praying for you. I can't related. I am in hell with this depersonalization/ derealization. If you need someone to talk to I'm here. I know a lot of people don't understand this nightmare.

  • I have not read everyone's comments but I wanted to say that it is obvious he does not care so there for he refuses to understand what is going on with you. Mostly all the symptoms you just described is what I go through as well and I feel that no one understands how bad this thing is. We have to face it and embrace it find a way to show no fear of this so called monster that keeps us down. It shall past but might be harder for you considering all the issues you have at home, that does not help your situation. but you are not alone trust me. God Bless and please don't give up sooner or later you will realize how strong you truly are just keep up the good fight.

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