Fear of Suicide? Or actually suicidal?

[Laura221]

So, my anxiety journey started with HA. I had a huge fear of dying of a heart attack, stroke, intestinal problems,.. you named it, I feared it

That went away when university started again, and I had a lot of distraction.

At the end of the semester (when exams almost started) I was quite sad one evening, because my friends hadn't ask me to attend their NYE party. I thought 'well, suicide would be an option', and instead of letting the thought go, it FREAKED me out.

Then I got a fear of negative thoughts, for example when someone said 'you're worth nothing' on tv or something, I thought 'what if I would think I would be worth nothing, would I commit suicide then?' and then the thought 'you're worth nothing' started popping in my head. Ofcourse, followed by huge anxiety.

I have vacation at the moment, and my friends are all gone skiing (and so is my boyfriend) but I can't ski so I'm not there. Still, I went to the city to drink something with an old friend, and while being with that friend I thought 'you have no friends, you should commit suicide', and again, followed by huge anxiety. It's like, adrenalin pumping through my veins when I think this.

Now it's more like 'you should commit suicide because you will never get better', that keeps popping through my mind, again, followed by that huge rush of anxiety.

I just can't make up my mind. Am I actually suicidal? Even typing this gives me that weird rush. I also can't read the words 'suicide' or 'death' or something, that causes a lot of anxiety.

My boyfriend comes home tomorrow from his skiing trip, and I'm sooo looking forward to see him. He comes home late at night so his mom asked me to watch a movie in the evening, before he's there. But the thoughts are horrendous, now I think things like 'You won't be able to watch that movie, because you will have committed suicide by then', or 'when you won't enjoy that movie you'll feel depressed and miserable and then you will commit suicide'. Again, followed by that anxiety rush and not daring to move.

A lot of people (including my psychologist and psychiatrist) say: you're afraid of it, so you won't do it. But I'm confused, because I read on the internet that more than 90% of people who commit suicide were very anxious when they did it???

Should I go to the hospital? I'm at home with my dad so I'm not alone but I'm really worried???

[Kaleidescope]

Firstly, I have experienced all that you have plus I live abroad on my own. My best advice - I did it through sheer willpower a year ago: STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL. Secondly - through no fault of my own in January I was rushed to hospital to have an emergency operation and spent the whole month there. I have taken all antidepressants and anti anxiety pills there are. The ambulance crew did not have time to get these as I was virtually unconscious. So unintentionally I went 'cold turkey' and have never felt better for it. I had no choice but you should see your GP who, if he or she is good, will wean you off them.

Good luck.

[Laura221 in reply to Kaleidescope]

I drink no alcohol already!

I took one pill of escitalopram yesterday (5mg) and it's since then that I'm feeling awful. I didn't take it today (as my GP and psychiatrist recommended to not take it anymore) but I still feel REALLY anxious and weird today.

Is it possible that that 5mg is still in my system? Or is this just me?

[Kaleidescope in reply to Laura221]

Ditch the psychiatrist as well They are all around the bend as well. You are not mad! When I was young I had to be psycho-analysed for a promotion at work. My then boss warned me that this so called expert would make no eye contact with me whatsoever but would look over my head as if a pigeon has crapped on my head. This is a technique well documented in order to make a person feel uncomfortable. Well it failed and I got the job!

Clearly you are very well educated person. Please trust me. I am nearly 65 and for the first time since my teenage years when I was extremely shy and every social event was a nightmare e.g. I had to be there first - I could not walk into a room full of people as I thought everyone was staring at me. In reality - and particularly nowadays - people are two wrapped up in their own lifes. I was missing from home in hospital all of January and when I walked into the village today nobody queried where I had been or where my two dogs are who are currently being looked after my one and only friend. Do keep in touch.

Finally I hope this makes you chuckle - I live in a very old house and when I go to bed I need a hot water bottle. I got it ready to fill tonight but must have inadvertently dropped the stopper in my kitchen waste bin so tomorrow am I have to go through all the contents. Not a job I fancy first thing in the morning.

[Goldfish_]

Yes but suicidal thoughts are very common. The things of concern are if you have a clear plan of how and when you would do it, if you are giving away possessions and organising paperwork in preparation etc.

Talking treatments may help. phoning a helpline is probably the first thing to do Samaritans in the uk.

A trip to the hospital in uk will mean several hourd wait and I suspect no great concern

[Gambit62]

you may find that this post helps in understanding what is happening and trying to think of ways of calming yourself.

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