Trying not to dwell on this type of fear

[gbn_]

Hello. As with a few of my previous posts, this one too is a bit tough to put into correct words. I am very concerned for my 13 year old grand daughter. My daughter has 2 children, and they all live with my ex wife at her house. The 13 year old has behavior issues, and they are getting to be beyond control. She is being counseled constantly but it's not helping. The counselors are saying that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better without any type of medicine, but the grand daughter refuses to take anything. There are a few underlying issues that I could explain later if needed but this for now is the main part. My ex and I still remain the best of friends, but, her health, both mentally and physically are going downhill, fast. I have a great fear that something bad is going to happen, and I can't shake it. My ex is due for some medical tests soon and I'm worried crazy for her, although I'm trying not to show it. I try so much to help her with laundry, trash, yard work, we both go grocery shopping together. I try to get her out of the house for a while, but when we return, that sinking feeling returns to walk back into a house full of turmoil. It's taking a toll on my daughter also, she is at her wit's end with all of it. Just don't know what I'd do with the whole situation if anything were to happen to my ex. I live with this fear and anxiety with this almost on a constant basis and don't know how I could or would handle anything bad happening with her. When I leave I go back to my house and feel guilty because she is there with all of this. However, I'm usually there on a daily basis to help where I can. Between being married and just friends, we have been partners for the past 45 years. Is there anyone else out there with this type of issue? It's causing a great deal of anxiety, along with depression for almost everybody involved in their house, me included.

[Amz1987]

Teenagers are hard work at the best of times. Hopefully it all settles down soon, you sound like a great support for her ex which is really nice to read.

[gbn_ in reply to Amz1987]

Hi Amz1987. Thanks so much for the kind reply. It's a real tough situation, the outbursts and profanity that come from the grand daughter, along with the physical abuse that she is starting to show as well as slowly destroying my ex wife's house with holes in her walls and doors is a bit much to take here. My ex is so depressed over it all, I feel so sorry for her.

[Amz1987 in reply to gbn_]

Sounds like more than the typical handful.

I think you need to encourage your daughter to get her to the dr and sorted with some intervention. Has she always been a difficult child or is this new behaviour for her?

[gbn_ in reply to Amz1987]

Hi Amz1987. She has been seen by doctors, who recommend medications. She has always been defiant, but with getting older, getting worse. I believe there is some resentment tied with her mom, my daughter, for not being with the father, who, really is a deadbeat. It's so sad, I really feel bad for my grand daughter sometimes because of this.

[Amz1987 in reply to gbn_]

I wonder if she could have an underlying issue such as autism. The reason I say this is my 10 year old is being diagnosed at the moment and they believe he has mild ASD. He gets outbursts that are more than a normal “tantrum” and he has a heap of ASD symptoms but because he looks and talks normal most of the time you’d never pick it. But put all 4 of my kids together and you can pick that he has something going on with him. Since starting occupation therapy with him where he’s learning about strategies on how to behave appropriately to different situations we’ve seen a big improvement.

[gbn_ in reply to Amz1987]

Hi Amz1987. Thanks for this input. She actually had another appointment with the psychiatrist today, and, the doctor this time didn't recommend possible medication for her. He mentioned that if there was something wrong, such as ADD, or whatever else is out there these days with children, she would be the same at school, as well at home. She is not offensive in school, probably because at least there, she knows full well that she couldn't get away with the outbursts that she normally has at home, therefore, it's being looked at more of a very bad behavioral type problem because of that observation. We were told that when she acted out with her behavior, for discipline, we should take something away from her, such as her cell phone or tablet or not letting a certain friend over of hers, but, it turns into World War 3 real quick when we try this. She has a hard time focusing on things, and that makes her at times very frustrated. One of the doctors actually a while back mentioned to give her a little bit of coffee, something that has to do with helping with that, not in the evening hours though, the caffein would keep her up, but, there must be something else in the coffee that helps. We could try decaf, but I don't know if it's the same with helping. So far we really haven't tried it yet.

[Amz1987 in reply to gbn_]

Yes makes sense, although one of my friends has a daughter with autism. She was diagnosed at two, she copes very well at school and rarely an outburst or bad behaviour at school. However when she gets home to her “safe place” with her mum she often melts down and loses the plot because she’s had to keep herself together all day at school and she has to let it out at home. It’s very hard on them, and it is worse when the day at school has been particularly hard.

2 boys at my kids school have coffee given to them in the morning before school (they both had ASD and ADD/ADHD) I was told is counteracts with people like this it acts opposite so it actually helps calm their brains rather then what happens to us by keeping us awake. You can only try and see how she goes

[gbn_ in reply to Amz1987]

Hi Amz1987. Yes, with the coffee, it's supposed to let them focus more, which would take some of the frustration out with that type of problem. Today was tough, she didn't want to go to school (again). My daughter is working with the school truant officer with this on-going situation. What a mess with all of this---they say to ignore her when she gets into a fit, you're not allowed to discipline anymore for fear of being charged with something , you are just supposed to let her yell, scream, hit, spew profanity worse than a "truck driver" at you, destroy your property,etc. When I was young (a long time ago), this was almost unheard of, let alone put up with. Something seems to be very wrong today with something with young children afflicted with this type of situation becoming more and more common today. I don't know if it's society in general, or maybe a real medical mystery that is affecting children more and more. Theories abound with vaccinations being the cause, nutritional deficincys ,something in the water, something in the air, or whatever. Sure wish I knew.

[Amz1987 in reply to gbn_]

Yep, it’s hard being a parent today with what you can and can’t do. And yes our environment is very different today and it’s not good which causes chemical imbalances in the brain. Additives, preservatives and artificial flavours have a HUGE impact on mental and physical health. These are not meant to be in our bodies, if we ate a mostly for plant based dairy free diet we would all be a lot healthier and mentally clearer.

I hope there is a breakthrough for you soon.

[gbn_ in reply to Amz1987]

Thanks, Amz1987. I guess until a "miracle cure" comes through, we'll just keep "trudging" through all this. It's really hard putting a plate of veggies in front of kids and

telling them to eat them because they're good for you. Only something drastic such as closing down ALL the fast food places to get burgers and fries and all the related types of junk food as well as the drinks, as well as taking ALL the junk foods out of the supermarkets, but, people would rebel saying that we have no right in telling them what and how to eat. They have no problem stuffing "garbage",in my opinion, down their throats, as well as feeding their young the same way. People went bonkers in some cities when a tax was implemented on sodas to make them "less attractive" to drink because of the bad health implications associated with them. It's not rocket science to know how to eat better, you just need to use your head a little bit. As for me, I love veggies.

[Agora1]

Dear gbn_ This is a very serious situation for all of you. Your 13y.o. granddaughter

needs more than counseling. Medication sounds more than appropriate in toning

down her abusive ways. She may need to be admitted if she refuses care. Your daughter

and ex need to have some control over her behavior and since they can't, a professional

must be called in before someone gets hurt physically and the police get involved.

It's something called "tough love" where for the sake of the child, rules and restrictions

need to be enforced. I am not a counselor but I have raised a foster child who acted out

in destructive ways. Your family needs help, possibly a social worker assigned to the case.

I feel for you watching this go on. Nobody should have to live in a war zone house.

I wish for all of you to be safe. xx

[gbn_ in reply to Agora1]

Hi Agora1. Thank you for your reply. Police have been called a few times, the "tough love" approach has been tried several times, to no avail. She is being counseled for a while now from social workers and the like, but there is only so much they can do, the best thing they have all so far said is to ignore her when she gets into her tantrums, but, a lot of times it's easier said than done. This is something that me and my ex have never experienced with our own 2 children while they were growing up, and we are quite lost with trying to find that one answer that might, or could explain all this. It might be several factors, but trying to put it all together is really hard to do.

[Agora1 in reply to gbn_]

gbn, your response actually brought tears to my eyes because I remember those

days so vividly. Almost the same thing, living in fear, locking my bedroom door at

night, afraid to let my guard down. You're right in that there is only so much a

social worker can do if the child refuses to talk and so they would talk with me

which helped me some. Refusal to take medication or see a psychiatrist as

well as run out of the hospital when admitted. It was a nightmare that I had never

experienced before.

I am so sorry your family is going through this. Don't allow this to break you down.

I'm here to listen anytime you need a caring heart. xx

[gbn_ in reply to Agora1]

Agora1, Thank you so much, I too am here to listen.