climbing down from my hell

[evie15]

I posted before about being stuck on a peak of anxiety I have had for about 10 days now. Usually I have come down from it. Not so far though. This is majorly impacting my life. I see a therapist tomorrow. I had to lie to my family about. I'm going to the "chiropractor." I just have this feeling like I want to get in my car and drive far far away. I feel my life would be simpler and everyone around me would be better off. I could never do that, as i have a 1 yo and she is my everything. My anxiety is making my husband miserable. No one in my family can relate nor do they care to understand, and frankly I don't blame them. I hate to be one of those situations where you fall in a metaphoric hole and drag everyone around you in there with you. Because of this, for the most part I try to not outwardly show any symptoms. But lately I can't help it. My whole body feels like its being electrocuted, and the nausea and insomnia and my ocd behaviors are amplified so badly. I know the ocd is part of my brain trying to cope and make my uncomfortable situation more comfortable through repetition and ritual because I can control and predict it. But god I am just so tired of being conscious of these behaviors and at the same time having no control of my anxiety. I often see people that are so laid back and easy going and half of me can't stand it because they often do what they want and have no fear of repercussion and my type A/ocd just can't handle it. But then the other half of me is so jealous of them. I can't get through one day in life without thinking of the consequences of every action I take. Or thinking about how it will affect the future. I'm always way ahead of myself trying to be as perfect as I can.

[Agora1]

Hi evie15, Unfortunately, when one is in a chronic condition, even if you wanted to you could not hide it from the family. It can bring the family down but it's not your fault. I am so glad that you will be seeing a therapist tomorrow. It may be the beginning of turning things around for you. Take in everything the therapist may say or suggest to you. Keep an open mind. Good Luck and let us know how it went.

[Aazz]

Hi there I know how you feel I have ocd as well Im interested to know what your rituals are and what triggers them? For me its a lot about doing things a certain number of times and also doing the same thing over an over until it feels right, or i have done it with a positive thought, I get triggered by negative thoughts or hearing negative things on the tv radio or from someone. My list of ocd habits goes on and on and change all the time. A lot of the times I can control it but if I'm anticipating anything nerve racking it gets very severe until that particular situation is over.

[evie15 in reply to Aazz]

So for me it is mostly just this urge to organize and clean everything that I can get my hands on. Nighttime is my enemy, as is the time I would be sleeping, as I am usually jolted from sleep by my anxiety and it bothers me to no end. So thats when these behaviors usually happen. They are probably a way to gain some control of my surroundings. Then I walk around. It has to be counter clockwise or else I feel ill. Weird I know. Some nights I could walk nearly 6 miles. Some nights I go to any store thats open 24hrs and just walk around. There is something calming to me about Lately its been driving around. I just drive for hours. Its not so much a repetitive motion like counting things or touching things a certain amount of times.