DOES ANYONE FEEL THIS WAY??? (plz no negative or health assumptions plz)

I've been very depressed for the past month since probably start of December. I stopped going to friends and family house, I stopped going to the gym (because I had an anxiety attack there.) I stopped doing leisure things with my child and wife. I just stay home and go places only if I need to. I used to go out everyday and every weekend go places with my wife and little one. Now I'm always paranoid, i see bad stuff on the news and think it can happen to me, I check my pulse at least 50 times a day. I even count the amount of Beats per minute smh just torturing myself. Then if my BPM is elevated a bit I get depressed and start getting sad like its the end of the world. I try to describe to my counselor how I feel and she brushes me off and says "u are stressed with the things in your life and thats is how your anxiety manifests itself. I dont go anywhere, feels like I'm in a bubble just watching everyone just living life. When I got into issues at work and then finally laid off that really hurt me bad. I slowly started to feel my body feeling weird and then thats when it comes full throttle. My nerves are on 1,000 my eyes blink like crazy all day, sometimes I wake up n my face feels numb, my chest muscles tightens up, my arm feels weird and weak, I just feel like crap. Negative thoughts about myself my relatives like "omg what I pass out" "what if I can't breath" "what if its my heart" and I play those scenarios in my mind 24/7 sometimes i think positive and it works for about 3 minutes then I'm back to thinking strange and obsessing over my health. I dont sleep, as SOON as I wake up I study my breathing, seeing if my chest is tight still if I sleep on my arm and it gets numb a bit I freak out and start to think "what if its a heart attack" "what if its a stroke" what if what If smh. I am not in the present, I just worry about the future and dwell on issues in the past. I can't focus at all, my life feels like Its on hold. My therapist who is great writes me off as just "its anxiety u been through this and will get over it". Its very scary 24/7 dark cloud. Only time I get a break from this crap is when I'm drunk, I get confidence and just ignore the thoughts in my mind, soon as the liquor wears off I am checking my pulse and which its a bit harder n faster because your heart pumps more when u have liquor in your system. But I just freak out and think its AFIB smh.. 4 yrs ago I had the same issue and I wore a heart monitor did all these heart tests eevrgthing was fine and I doubted the docs smh I am never satisfied and never just focus on the present. I feel like a loser, lost my job right before my wedding, can't find a job right now, my wife is pregnant with our second child, I have no leads to a good job. The jobs I interviewed for didn't hire me, jobs that actually contact me are temporary jobs smh. We move into our new apartment in a few months and I need to have a job before then and a good paying job smh.. My therapist says once my MAIN stress is fixed then the anxiety physical symptoms will subside but it just feels like I will never get my life together. I've been trying to get my life together since 2001 and its been an up and down battle smh...... The anxiety disorder is more stressful than my life issues smh... I wish someone can relate to me... I feel alone I want my life back! I want to go jump in my car blast my music happy like I used to.. I used to love driving far away ... Now as soon as I get in the car my.chest tightens up and I'm thinking about my body the WHOLE time. Or I call someone so I can feel distracted smh I can't stay home alone because of my "what if " thinking..I can't enjoy anything I just get so down smh....I want to enjoy my life and my beautiful wife and daughter but I try to and my mind and body just won't let me.... I know this was a lot but I have so much going on in my mind.... Anyone relate? Thats if u read it all lol


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9 Replies

  • Hope4TheBest83, I was overwhelmed just reading all you are going through. I know it's been more than difficult for you but somehow this circle of anxiety needs to be broken. For your therapist to just say it's all anxiety based is not helping to break that cycle. If you are not already on medication, I would highly recommend you ask your doctor for something. Once you are able to gather your thoughts and not focus so much on your symptoms, you will be able to go forth in the necessary things you have to address first. Right now your mind is going a mile a minute. You need something that will calm both your mind and your body. Wanting and needing things to change in your life that are important but you have to be in that position both physically and mentally. I hope something changes for you. You need to get "unstuck". My best, Agora1

  • Yea its just too much, I'm trying to handle school stuff, new baby, finding a new job, moving in 2 months, etc etc then on top of all that I'm having all these symptoms its just making me feel like I can't control anything. My therapists saw me on and off and she knows how I get when I have anxiety as smh but she doesn't really empathize with me and she keeps thinking I only feel this way sometimes. I keep telling her its 24/7. I try to hold off on meds because I want to try n get through this alone but its too hard. I'm tired of the intrusive weird thoughts smh i haven't slept good on 3 days smh and I'm tired but can't sleep. I'm on this site here smh... I get up in the AM sitting in my bed praying a job contacts me smh just so much right now.

  • Hope4TheBest83, I know we hate resorting to meds, but there comes a time when we need that crutch, that bandage, to help pull us out of the depths of anxiety. A psychiatrist once told me, I was like someone lost at sea, not being able to see the shore to safety. It sounds like that's where you are right now. Being on medication for a short time while being on therapy can have a positive impact on moving you forward. Getting a job is just the start, you need to feel more in control physically and emotionally to handle the rest of life around you. I wish you well.

  • Hi i know how it feels I've had a major breakdown coz of PTSD and I have reccuring bouts of stress and anxiety when things not going well. For me the drugs didn't work so I had to find another way to ease it and manage it and for me that was meditation and reading books like the power of now - eckhart tolle - it's hard to concentrate when your mind is so full of the crap and you need to manage that to get a breath of air to think clearly to move on. I'm not cured but I'm a lot better and can manage the stress and depression easier now. We have to find a way that suits us therapy is good but most need more and the best healer is ourselves as what's going on us only in our minds. Take care of yourself do things you love and don't beat yourself up. You're not well but you can get better.

  • Thank you I appreciate that. If I can stop the "what if" thinking I would feel better. All these tragedies in the news day in and day out I can't handle I turn it to me all the time. Smh I mentally torture myself and wish it can stop. I try but it isn't working.

  • I read it all and I definitely can relate. In August 2015, my bf (now my ex) totaled my car, he didn't not even attempt to pay for a new one or anything, so I didn't have a way to work anymore and lost my job, had to start walking my daughter to school instead of driving, and then he left me. After he left, I still couldn't find a job and didn't have a sitter to look for one anyway, then I ended up losing my home. Night before I moved out of my home, I smoked marijuana and had a marijuana induced panic attack. I had never experienced a panic attack and it was the scariest thing ever. I haven't been the same since, but after that, I moved in with my mom and a week later we got a call that my brother was arrested and in the custody of the FBI. Needless to say, he's facing lots of time. That was unexpected, all of this happened within 3 months. Couple months later, my grandma gave up on life. Smh with all of these things, even before my grandma died, I developed anxiety/panic disorder, PTSD and suffered derealization for about 4-5 months. After my grandma, I also developed hypochondria, always thinking every little thing I feel is something incurably wrong. I agree with your therapist that it's anxiety from all the stress and the feeling of loss of control over your life. My therapist told me once Im in control again these things will go away, I haven't found a job yet but I've moved to a new state and have some stability now and closer to finding a job. So I have a feeling they are right about that. Only because it all started after so much happened. It may seem hard now but it's always darkest before the dawn. You and your family are going to be just fine and things will fall into place for you. Just attract it to yourself by keeping a positive outlook and positive self talk. I stopped watching the news back then because the same thing started happening to me where I would think what I saw was gonna happen to me. All the negative social media I eliminated from my life and it has helped as well, maybe try doing that too.. it's crazy how anxiety can tell you all types of lies and we believe them when we're so vulnerable and feel helpless. You're going to find a good job, just start somewhere tho!! You're wife is gonna have another healthy happy baby. And you are both going tp raise them in this new world of agelessness. The sun will shine again. You'll see 😊☀️

  • Also, started taking Magnesium (with Silica) for my anxiety when it first started and it worked wonders. I refused to be medicated. I wanted to heal myself naturally and Magnesium got my anxiety and depression under control nicely

  • Hi Hope4thebest83. I am so sorry you are experiencing this and on top of all the life stressors too😞 I know just how you feel, I too am an avid "pulse checker"and have a myriad of health worries constantly. A little less than a month ago I came across a site, it has some really useful information. It is really helping me understand where my fears are coming from and why my symptoms are so severe. I did sign up for the member site to gain full access, and to me it was totally worth it. I am still suffering considerably, but I definitely feel better in these past few weeks than I have in the past few months. I also highly recommend checking out the books "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes, "When Panic Attacks" by Dr. David Burns, and " The Worry Solution" by Dr. Martin Rossman. They have all been extremely helpful and eye opening for me. I know it's really hard to settle down right now, but meditation is also really helpful, even if you can just do it for 5 minutes. I really like The Honest Guys guided meditations (found them on YouTube). The Anxiety Slayer podcast is also helpful to gain some perspective and tips on helping manage. Not sure if you are spiritual, but I believe in the power of prayer, so if you don't mind, I will also say a prayer for you. Anxiety is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I truly believe we can all learn to conquer it! Best of luck to you!

  • Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm trying to fight this bs man. Its hard but gotta do what I gotta do!

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