Just wanting to vent and give a real side to this anxiety....

[Armyguy]

So I'm laying here in bed, just burnt out exhausted, Christmas was such a great great day and night, I am so sick of anxiety, wore out from it, drained from it. I hear daily on not giving up hope but it's hard when every day you wake up it's always dark and the only break you get is when you lay in bed at night...... Now I know this isn't how I'm suppose to think or see things but it is anymore. I hold on to the hope that one day I'll wake up and bam this will all be gone, I hold out the hope that I'll find someone to love and to love me back and to start a family with, but at 31 Its looking unlikely.... I lay in bed and pray that God wake me Up from the dream, that I've learned my lesson that life when its good is sacred and shouldn't be taken for granted, I at times wish this was a dream and that I was a kid still and that this is a warning of what could happen if I don't do things right. I know it's not a dream tho and I'm letting my life slip by being like this.

I seen my doctor today, he hugged me, he said brother, you been thru the ringer this past year and I pray it gets better for you, Youre my only patient out of 1200 that is not on any med what so ever battling multiple anxiety disorders.... I looked at him and I said doc it's taking a toll on me honestly, and I'm about to fall. I tried... I tried so so hard. I'm sick of worrying about tomorrow or if I'll wake up after I go to sleep, I'm sick of having to reassure my self on everything, I'm sick of checking and rechecking my pulse and Blood pressure because their almost always high, I'm sick of doctors looking at me like I'm crazy or my family looking at me like I'm crazy.... I'm sick of not having anyone to really talk to around me. I'm sick of missing my dad and friends that died in the military, I'm sick of pain, I am sick of missing my ex's daughter who I helped raise from being a baby and was the closest I ever had to having my own daughter...... I'm sick of finishing last because my brain is wired wrong....... I'm sick of feeling sorry for my self, I just want my life back..... That's all. I'll help more people if I can. I miss everyone, I miss my family, I miss being happy.......

I love all you all, I know you all worry about me and I started on here trying to be helpful and optimistic but it's beaten me down, I am on the ground now being kicked around and I can't get up. Keep going everyone, I may not be able to because I'm exhausted, I just can't keep fighting, I tried, people don't understand me and people just judge. Hold the little things close people, I don't have children and I'm alone at 31, at least you have something to be happy about. I don't blame God or my family, or anyone or anything for getting me to this point. I got my self here, I just want to get out whatever way possible.

Take care you all, going to lay down.

[Agora1]

Hi Armyguy, I know you are resting now but just wanted to say a few words to you. It is easy for people who have not gone through anxiety as you have to say it will be okay, things will get better. They don't have a clue. But would you listen to me Armyguy? I never thought I'd make it through my anxiety. It robbed me of years of living as well as having taken away my hopes and dreams for the future. Like you, I would look forward to the comfort and escape of sleep every night only to start the nightmare over again each morning. I ran the gamut of doctors and tests over the years. For me it wasn't until I had been hospitalized 3 times on a locked unit and worked with intense therapy that when I got out, one day something clicked inside my brain. Hard to explain but I knew at that moment I was going to be okay. It still took more work in making sure I didn't slide back on meds or give into scared feelings. I too went through the blood pressure issues when sitting, standing and lying down. Those were addressed in the hospital. How many times did I feel that it was the end, I would die alone and there was nothing to look forward to. All of that were lies that anxiety made me believe. When I once again believed in myself in being strong again is when I knew there were many possibilities that lie waiting for me.

At 31 Armyguy, you've got the whole world at your feet. You may have the losses you experienced but hopefully therapy will help you deal with them and time will make the hurt less. Not forgotten but less pain.

At 31, the best years of your life for finding a true love and starting a family are real. As this happens it will take precedence to your anxiety issues. Happiness will take over your life which in turn will lessen your emotional problems. Please believe it will happen for you. Things happen for a reason. And that reason may be right around the next corner. Hang in there soldier and keep those caissons rolling along...

[Armyguy in reply to Agora1]

Thanks, I appreciate your help always, I'm just down because I feel like I'm losing to this. I don't know what else to do anymore. I am wore out from it all. I'm laying under the covers, in the dark enjoying the silence. I got a call from my nephew wanting me to come over to play a board game with them but said no because I didn't feel good but I ended up going, now I feel worse for showing up but it was nice seeing them smile when I showed up. Anxiety has a really bad habit of it making it's self priority over everything else. Makes me feel self centered and I hate feeling like that.

[Armyguy]

Reason I posted the picture of me, for the ones of you that remember me back in the late summer early fall I looked better, now I look like a recluse.

I feel like I'm giving up slowly.

[Agora1 in reply to Armyguy]

Oh I thought you looked good behind those Foster Grants.

You do see Armyguy how our way of thinking has everything to do with

how we are feeling. I too hated that feeling of being self centered. I worried

that everyone probably thought I was an attention getter but just the opposite, I wanted to hide and not have everyone rally around me.

I also know that feeling of pushing ourselves to go somewhere for the sake of others. How nice to see their smiles but we know what the consequences are for us when we get home. Right now you can't see it, but eventually that will all disappear. Those bad feelings and fears will disappear. You were so empowering to all of us when you made those videos, sounds like you need one of us to make one for you. Breathe deeply and try to enjoy the rest of the evening. Tomorrow's a new day.

[Jodz]

Yep I'm hearing you . I'm the same saying when will this just stop ✋. The constant worry about every little thing ie when I'm driving will I have a car accident and be killed, when riding my horse before I get on I'm so nervous cause I'm thinking what if I have a massive fall and get killed, can't go into crowded supermarkets . Xmas day couldn't stay in room with my family as we all together eating out , but oh no I had to go as I felt like I was suffocating , wanted to vomit etc et. Etc . Bloody heart rate constantly high . Just want to be normal . Want to plan holidays but I can't cause I'm to scared to go because of the what if I'm my frigin head .😫😫😫😫😫😫

[Armyguy in reply to Jodz]

It beats us all down, I just vent on here because I don't open up much in person. I don't want to let people in like that. You are not alone and I guess that's how I find some comfort is knowing I'm not alone. I been trying my own made up technique of dealing with anxiety and it's not working but it is, kinda hard to explain. On a really bad bad bad anxiety day, I been coming home in the evening and I wont let my self lay down until 7:30 at night, once I lay down I read online some and it can be about anything, I'm a history major and love history so I read about the past a lot. One thing I do and it's silly but works to stop the anxiety in the moment is pretend I'm in a tent under my cover in antartica and I have my fan blowing fullspeed and the room is freezing, I will turn on wind noise of like a snow storm on YouTube and pretend I'm laying safely in a tent in antartica away from everything enjoying the sound of the wind howling. It sounds so dumb but it does work for me, it takes me out of the anxiety moment and kinda hits a reset button.

[Jodz in reply to Armyguy]

That's not dumb at all ! If it works why not . I try different things but not much works .

[Hope4TheBest07 in reply to Jodz]

Wow u sound just like me! Its like we're scared of something but we dont know exactly what! Just scared and nervous smh... It feels like I'm living in a bubble right now just watching people living life having fun and even if its hard for them watching them still just working and getting through it. With me when I feel out of control of my life I get do depressed and get this debilitating anxiety smh

[Burnsboy22]

That was extremely real! I feel where you are coming from. I have been battling this for 5 years. ERs, Doctors, tests, everything and still no peace. It is exhausting. I hope we both get better. If you ever need someone to talk to about it I'm here!

[steve274]

Sorry for your struggles. I have just recently experienced anxiety and I never had issues with it in the past. I understand the idea of not wanting to go out because you may feel worse. I turned down a couple of Christmas parties because I didn't know how I would feel. I did find that a book I started to read helped, The Power of Now. It's all about how anxiety only lives in our thoughts of the past and future. If we train ourselves to focus on the present, appreciate the current moment. Lunch with a friend, visiting your nephew. As I read your post, I remembered how I felt after a recent breakup. The thoughts of our future gone is what made it so scary. But in reality, tomorrow is unknown. I am also not trying to diminish your experience. I have found when I focus on today, my days are sometimes easier.

[Jefner]

Armguy

I do the same on youtube. I love the sound of rain and have lots diff vids playing in my ears all night whilst asleep and also help me sleepp

[Hope4TheBest07]

Hey man, trust me man we have similar issues bro. I'm 33 no job right now, I'm married but can't support my wife and daughter AND I have one on the way bro. Now, u say that u wish u had those things but if we aren't good ourselves to provide and happy with ourselves etc it makes life even harder. I lay in bed as well and think about all types of things I think about the mistakes I made the stuff I took for granted that could've helped my future. The scary part about life right now is the things high school teachers, my parents and older folks told me is happening now. I'm 33 never had a job longed than 2 yrs in my life, I always quit ALL my jobs because I get overwhelmed I feel like such a loser. Then after stressing I get all these physical symptoms all day and I can't even enjoy my day man. I dont check my BP because If I see something i.dont like I'm dont wanna scare myself. I stay home all day and leave only if I have to. I'm always.worrying about my heart I literally think about my health and scary thought 15 hrs of the day and the other 9 are because I probably.have an hour I'm finally normal and the other 8 hrs Is because I'm sleeping. Trust me man ur not alone. I wanted to describe my anxiety to shed light on how another alpha male is suffering from Anxiety. Ive been on and off meds since 15 yrs old. I went 7 yrs with no meds and then my life took a turn for the worse in 2006 by being expelled from school and BOOM I've been trying to fix my life since and haven't really went on a good streak yet. I would be off and on smh... Message me if u want man we have simikiar worries and can keep each other motivated