Can't take anymore

[jackie220166]

Haven't posted for a while but it's all just getting too much . I've been bad with anxiety and depression since April this year. I gave my resignation into work last week and I'm panicking about money. My 12 year old son has an eating disorder and it's worrying me so much. My older son has been charged with a serious crime which he didn't do my husband doesn't understand I'm on mirtazapine and venlafaxine diazepam and propanolol and receiving counselling. I try to remain positive but every day life pulls me back down. I don't know where to turn what to do. The future scares me so much. Each step forward sends me 20 steps back. I pray each day it's got to get better. I ask why is all this happening. My kids don't deserve what's going on in their lives and I'm at a loss what to do. It hurts every day it hurts

[RyRywifey]

Hey, I'm deeply sorry to hear what you're going thru.. I will say that my anxiety and panic disorder started after my brother (24) was charged with a serious federal crime last year dec 2nd. I haven't been the same since and my mom is talking it so hard. We're her only 2 kids. I'm 30. He's facing 19yrs and it's the first time my family has ever gone thru anything like this. And it's extremely hard and heartbreaking and indescribably painful... you're not alone.. if you ever need to talk or anything, I'm here, as well as the rest of this wonderful community.. I wish you well... happy holidays...

[jackie220166 in reply to RyRywifey]

Thank you for your thoughts and message, im so sorry to hear you are going through similar worries as myself its so hard when your facing family crisis and heartbreaking. My son is innocent of his charges and I do have a top lawyer on his side its just not knowing what the future holds for him. If you wish anyone to share your thoughts with please please message me and Im only too happy to be a supporting ear xx

[RyRywifey in reply to jackie220166]

Thank you! I know exactly what you mean of not knowing what the future holds for him. It's agonizing. We have a top lawyer as well and he was actually facing life and our lawyer got it reduced to 19yrs. We have not been able to hug or touch him in a year, only see him thru glass. It's a nightmare. I hope things turn out for the best and your son is released upon his innocence. I will be messaging you soon and you can message me anytime as well. Thank you

[darkshadow]

Jackie, I've been wondering about you and hoping your silence meant that things were getting better for you. Alas, it's not as easy as that,is it? People wonder about Hell and where it is. We know the answer. It's where we both are right now. If you remember, I got really angry with things a few weeks ago but it lasted only for about a week.Now I'm so far down I can't see a way up again. I have no solutions for you but maybe if we pour out our suffering to each other,it might help--just to know someone who cares and understands is listening. This is all I can offer you, my friend. Have you ever wondered what it would take in your life to pull you up to normality? You are on a lot of medication. It should be helping you but obviously isn't.There's something very wrong about that. I know you're likely fed up with doctors etc but what else do we have? It's your doctor's job to help you. Keep at him/her.Do you find any sense of relief because you don't have to go to work any more or is your anxiety about money worse than that? Are you able to work or has your condition drained your physical strength too much? I ask because you are still a young person whereas I am now 77 and can't expect to feel really strong. Can you get help for your boy's eating disorder or is it just too much for you to tackle right now? Finally--I think you are on far too much medication and it doesn't seem to be doing you much good. Pester your doctor for help. That's the only choice you have. As long as I'm still alive, I'll be here for you. I have more to tell you but that will do for now. Myra.xxx.

[jackie220166 in reply to darkshadow]

Oh Myra my lovely have thought of you often over the last few weeks but have been in such a dark place that the thought of reaching out was just too much. My doctor is calling me again today as they want to increase the medication again. Im trying to get a work from home job just to keep bringing some money in as going out to work outside my safe safe home is just too much to think about. It just seems to be brick walls everywhere. Im going to private message my mobile number to you so we can stay in touch and you can share your worries with me too, hugs my friend xxxxxx

[darkshadow]

I'm in a dark place too. Nobody understands.I shrink from telling folk how I feel and I try not to burden my sons with it but sometimes it all comes out and then I feel guilty for worrying them. I'm still in my dressing gown today and have no motivation to put on my clothes. My brother can't come to see me as he is confined to a mobility scooter and I live 3 miles away from him. His wife could easily drive here but never does. I don't matter to her. I've just had a bad experience on Facebook too which has left me in tears. I should have more sense but I accepted the friend request from a guy and, after some time he turned out to be a fake with two different names, addresses and personal details. How can people be so cruel? Now he has cut me off. He seemed so nice and genuinely caring. I was duped. What a b*****d! The resulting migraine struck yesterday. Myra.

[jackie220166 in reply to darkshadow]

Oh no Myra my heart goes out to you. There are so many cruel people in this world. I've sent my number to you in a private message . Just take each moment as it comes today and if you feel you want to stay in your dressing gown then do so. Your sons will understand and would rather you shared how you feel with them. I know my older son does. Nobody understands unless they experience this themselves xxxxxxxx

[darkshadow]

Hi,Jackie. I haven't forgotten about you.I just haven't been able to phone you yet because

I would've just cried down the phone. I will phone you as soon as I can hold it all together.This last weekend has been particularly bad for me. I'll tell you about it when we talk. Are things any better for you yet? Myra.xx.

[darkshadow]

Jackie----??

[jackie220166]

Hi Myra sorry ive not had a good couple of days how are things with you? xxxxx

[Smartbob1]

I know how you feel. Everything is coming down on me right now. My son is a selfish drunken loner and due to my latest bout of depression and complications I lost my job.I have an appeal in, Also all the stupid things that I have done over the years due to depression are weighing down on me. Just been to town and the christmas stuff broke my heart. I usually love christmas xxx

[darkshadow]

If only we three could get together for a long group hug! At least that's what I seem to need--a pair of strong arms to take away the fear and the loneliness but there's no-one left alive who can do that. Xmas just rubs salt into the wounds. It used to be such a lovely time but now I want it to be over. I will be on my own. My sons will be with their partners and their families and my brother will be in his own circle of three kids, eight grandkids and three great grandkids. I am an outsider now although we used to be so close when we were young and at home. I have no grandkids--just my two sons whose partners have already had their children years ago. I'm like a child who needs her Mum and Dad. The strength of my adulthood has left me. Reality kicks me in the stomach every morning and I just cry. I know you understand here so writing this all down gives me a kind of relief but I do apologise for it all the same. Thank you for being there. I hope I can be here for you too. Myra.xx.

[jackie220166 in reply to darkshadow]

Myra my lovely can you not go to your sons for Christmas at all at least to be with family. Please don't apologise we are here for you if sharing all this helps and gives you a little relief then offload it all take the weight off your shoulders. I hate to think of you crying Myra sending a hug in the hope it reaches you xxxxxxxx

[darkshadow]

Jackie, it's complicated. My sons live with me for part of the week and with their partners for the rest. It's an arrangement which seems to suit everyone. One of my son's partner owns her own house so it's not up to him who spends Xmas there She has sons and grandkids who will be there and quite frankly, it would tire me out. My other son's partner also has grown up kids with children so the same situation applies. My sons are middle aged, remember. I would find Xmas too much for me in those circumstances. Coming home would be worse than staying home---if you know what I mean. There's no solution, I'm afraid. If I have diazepam,I will be ok.I will take it only if I'm panicking.xxx.