Can't cope no more

Hi I'm trying to cope with my partner and his mother I have recently come out of a treatment centre so I'm still finding it hard to cope anyway bur now my partners mother is not well and he is expecting me to be the one to look after her I feel like I'm being selfish but if I go somewhere though the day that is for me an not him or his mum I get nothink but grief and made to feel guilty about it he tells me I don't care all the time and brings me down was doing really well on my recover I am 1 year clean I also have 4 children to cope with which I have been doing but all this is pulling me right back an my anxiety has come right back again all I want to do is cry I don't know what to do

19 Replies

  • I think he's the one who is being selfish expecting you to look after his mother when you have 4 children to look after and are not well yourself, it will put a strain on you and you're anxiety will creep back out aging as it always does when we are under stess, I would talk to him and explain how this makes you feel if I have to talk to my partner about things I always choose night time right before we go to sleep as it's the most relaxed part of the day and he's more lightly to take things in better hope things get better for you

  • Thanks love but I have tried talking to him and all he says is I'm the one who is selfish that's why I have come on here coz I need to get it off my chest to someone who will actually listen to me . But thank you for your reply it has helped x

  • Ah bless ya I know how it feels hun my ex was the very same he expected miracles from me and where is mother was concerned well she could do no wrong, I hope he soon realises you have enough on you're plate without adding more too it hun I'm here I'd you need to chat anytime 😊 x

  • Thankyou love .x

  • Anytime hun x

  • Hello

    You have worked hard for your recovery and without that you will be no use to anyone , so you are not been selfish you need to put yourself first

    I presume you were addicted to drink or drugs from what you say ?

    If so it takes a year to fully get sober or clean knowing you have every chance of not slipping back and a good 2 years if not more to build on this foundation and your OH is as Twinkle has said been very selfish and certainly not you

    You have to do things for yourself , you are not there to care for everyone !

    I would sit him down and explain if you have not already that as much as you don't mind helping out you cannot do this as a full time job as you do not feel you are ready to take all this on and to be honest if he does not accept and respect that I would have to question will this person drag me back down again where I have worked so hard to come out from and you have done well to do so and if the answer is yes well you may have to ask if this relationship is good for you at this moment in your life

    Well done though for all you have achieved don't let anyone take that away from you :-) x

  • Thankyou so so much for that because right now he is making me feel like it's all my fault I know he is under a lot of stress with his mum but I am also and that's what he doesn't seem to care about I'm scared of doing it on my own even though I know I would probably be better off its just hard to actually do but them comments are really encouraging and I really appreciate them thankyou very much. X

  • Hello again :-)

    Sometimes we do stay in a situation that is not right for us for the fear of how we will cope but then if ever it get's to the stage where it really is to much for you then you will find the strength :-)

    Having been in rehab have they given you any contact numbers that you can phone if you are struggling or do you go to any meetings ?

    You could really do with some after support if there is any and there should be

    Sometimes partners sense we are vulnerable and they can play on that as well as throwing their rattle out the pram when they don't get their own way but remember that the next time he flies of the handle , he is acting like a child and what does a child do when they can't get their own way , they say hurtful things because they don't no any better and he is acting just like a child and doing the same so think of it like that and do not take his comments on board

    You have to start to learn to love yourself , not easy I know but once you can then no matter what he or anyone else says it will not have an impact on you , remember that is just his opinion doesn't make him right though :-/

    Stay strong and let know one make you doubt yourself and your decisions you are old & wise enough to make your own and if they are right for you then that is all that counts , people pleasing never works , we always end up upsetting someone no matter how hard we try but if you please yourself at least you know one person will be happy :-/

    You can always come & vent and talk on here :-) x

  • Again thankyou answer to your question yes I do go to meetings still but I still find it hard to be the speaker of the group, sharp which was my treatment centre made me relies I was worth more that that but since I have graduated from there it feels sometimes like your on your own again but thankyou for your support and yes I will vent out on here because I feel safer . Xx

  • I totally understand , it is like we have someone holding our hand and then all of a sudden no hand is there or like it was a safety net that has been removed but I think just like with our kids they believe they have taught us enough to let us go and stand on our own two feet

    I understand as well not liking to be the speaker , a lot easier to talk on here than face to face but maybe after a meeting is there someone there that you could talk to on a one to one maybe , have you got a sponsor , you could really do with this back up and I bet there would be so many willing to give you that support and it would feel more like when you were in rehab with just that hand a touch away and that safety net still in sight :-)

    We are always here though like I said if you need a chat but think about it for you because you deserve it :-) x

  • Hi no I don't have a sponsor yet bounce as like I have said my partner does not understand why I should go to other people to talk about my problems therefor it causes problems between us . I have asked him to attend meeting with me but he always refuses and says it's my problem not his but now he is putting his problems on me aswell I just feel so depressed and on edge and I'm getting really snappy at the kids again I can't seem to get anythink right at the moment I just feel like running away.x

  • Hello

    Well I think that is what you need to get yourself first it will really help :-)

    Now this is just my opinion but maybe your OH does not want you to talk to anybody about your problems because he knows they will tell you the truth and that is you should not put up with what he is doing and his behavior is unacceptable !

    He does not understand your problems yet he does not want you to talk and get support from those that do , what does that tell you about him ?

    We have all snapped at our kids before when we are tired and full of tension so don't feel bad but when you feel calmer maybe as I used to do is say to them sorry I was snappy with you I was tired but I still love you :-) After I had snapped at mine and then would tell them I was sorry and I loved them their little faces would light up and it would make me feel good again and I could let go of the guilt of been snappy

    You know we cannot run away and not sure if it was drink or drugs you would run to before but from your experience you know they don't give us the answers either , it is hard but we have to learn to go through these pain barriers , face the problems and you do come through the other end and the other thing you do come out stronger

    Maybe try and forget everything that is going of tonight , tell your brain it is having the rest of the night of and try and relax and when you are feeling up to it you can look at all this again

    Can be a good idea to write things down so we can see what feels like a mess that when left running round our minds gets all jumbled up but on paper we can see it more clearly

    For instance , maybe do a list the benefits of been with the OH

    Then a list the disadvantages ( how he treats and makes you feel ) of been with him , see which comes out on top , sometimes this way you can find the answer that is making you feel you want to run away

    Or you could make a list of everything that is getting on top of you , put them in order to the worse to the least then take just one at a time and deal with that and until you do put the rest away and tell yourself you will deal with that later this can also take the pressure of if we try and deal with everything all at once we will want to run , take things one at a time more manageable for you :-)

    Hope you get a good nights sleep :-) x

  • Hey bounce hope all ok with you. Just heading to my beddy bos x

  • Night Jill :-) Sleep well :-) x

  • Don't feel guilty u deserve a break and a life you have 4 kids to loon after they need u so don't get stressed he's sounds selfish to me. I have 5 kids my partner is the same if I want to go any were rather he will come or I have to take kids it's not fare I need a break xx

  • Yes I totally understand that feeling and I try to be strong but it's just too hard sometimes .x

  • It is hard men have it easy x

  • So true

  • Meg don't be upset tell him the truth your own health comes befor anyone else as you have kids to loom after I'm in same boat xx

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