I miss my friend

I miss my friend

Today would have been my late friend Scott's 34th birthday. He tragically took his own life July 26th, 2014 after a very painful battle with advanced arthritis, childhood sexual trauma and Bi-polar disorder. Throughout the years and since his death, I have been afraid that my struggles with anxiety and depression would end up as bad as his and that i would succumb to the same fate. During my dark days i fear that one day the next crappy day i have will be the straw that breaks the camels back.

In truth, Scott has given me so much and it is that which i draw upon today. He was the person that told me i had depression and that i needed to see my doctor and get help. That act has initiated a long process of healing and help that perhaps i wouldn't have gotten had he not advised me and maybe i am here now because he saw something in me that i just couldn't at the time. Each day because of Scott i know i want to live even when my mind doesn't. I take my medications, do counselling when needed and any other technique to try conquer my demons because i choose life. Each day i wake with the optimism that today is going to be a good day and i pray to whatever is out there and to my friends and family to give me the strength to get through the tough days.

He drove me to collect each of my cats that i have now who are the most amazing two fluffy beings a person could wish for even though he had a bad allergy to them and i don't know where i would be without them.

I am here because of him and i am thankful.

Happy Birthday Scott xx

8 Replies

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  • Beautifully said. I am touched.

  • Sounds like a great mate feel blessed to have had him . Now make him proud .

    All the best .

  • Beautiful. It's so rare to have a friend like that who changes your life, your very lucky to have experienced that and to have those precious memories of him, I'm sure he would be proud of you right now and of the way your choosing life, big hugs n god bless you xxx

  • thank you for sharing

    Posting this link in case it helps you deal with the fears or gives you some new ideas on how to deal with them

    healthunlocked.com/couchtob...

  • You sound a lovely lovely caring guy....you have SO MUCH to offer to the world....as much as you miss your friend, others would miss you.....please be strong...I know you can do this because YOU ARE DOING IT!!!

    Have faith in yourself...YOU REALLY ARE AN AMAZING VALUED GUY.

    GOOD LUCK.

  • I am a woman :) thank you for your kind words :)

  • Ok - who put that water in my eyes!! Scott is still helping you even now so his legacy is not going to waste.

    What a great friend he must have been.

    Sue

  • Thank you all for your kind words. Since seeking help it has been a long journey confronting and accepting my past and illness. i am still on the journey but now I am trying to improve the quality of my life. I've let myself become a shell living in isolation because it has been easier to lay in bed all weekend and to not do all the things that I previously enjoyed. my will is stronger to live but I want more than just existing. I want to feel a belonging amongst people, I want to really live my life, have kids and be happy but more than that, I want peace.

    I still feel that I am a long way off from my end goal but I'll never give up trying.. because if I did, all that I have experienced so far would have been for nothing.. and that would be the real tragedy.

    Thank you for reading

    Jen :)

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