My boyfriend makes fun of my anxiety and depression and thinks that I’m “faking it” and not actually depressed or anxious. He also gets angry at me when my symptoms get really bad and calls me crazy and says I need to see a doctor , which contradicts what he says about me faking it. We’ve been together for 4 years , going on 5 and he never ever made the effort to try to learn more about my mental illnesses and so I get mad but end up bottling it up because I don’t want to be alone.
But sometimes I feel like being with him hurts me more than anything else. He says hurtful things to me a lot and I can never turn to him when I’m down. He says that I’m too negative.
Today he told me I would end up all alone when I’m older , just like my mom. My mom also suffers from chronic depression . He then said it was only a joke and that I needed to loosen up.
How would you guys react to all this ? He’s all I have.
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Well it’s clear this is not the guy you should be with. As time goes by your wasting your time and health being with a toxic person like him. If he has no interest in learning what anxiety and depression that’s another reason to give him the boot. Don’t settle because your afraid you won’t find another man or financial reasons. Your better off on your own. Sorry to hear your being mentally abused. Best wishes John
I mean, I want to be supportive here but I'm only hearing your side of the story. From your perspective he sounds like a callous asshole, and if he's a callous asshole then you should break up with him. You won't likely do that though, due to "...because I don’t want to be alone." So in saying that, you're basically saying you're going to put up with whatever shit comes your way anyway, and therefore I don't know what advice to give. You'd really need to ask people who know both of you very, very well to get any kind of meaningful reply, unfortunately.
Everythong is fluid. I'm an asshole, he's an asshole, you're depressing, you're going to be like your mom, you can do better than him, he's the best thing in your life. It's all perspective. Being sad about it accomplishes nothing, except fishing for sympathy (which is fine, no judgement here if that is the case).
It's meaningless though. What do you care if a guy in Canada is like "wow...he sounds like a real jerk, if *I* was your boyfriend I'd support you"? It means nothing. I don't know you, I don't know him...maybe he's right! Maybe he's practically Hitler! I have no idea. You need to reflect on this internally. You KNOW whether or not this guy is a piece of shit. You knew it way before posting. If he's a piece of shit, you're better off on your own. Simple as that. Sorry for the tough love. Sometimes it's needed.
Hi , I appreciate you wanting to be supportive and realize you can’t really with little information you have.
Thanks for your reply , that’s already supportive in my opinion.
I am not above breaking up with him , but I am definitely not honest if I say that I can do so easily. But I definitely am strong enough to do it , that I know for sure.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with anybody fishing for sympathy , but that’s not what I was doing here , I was legitimately looking to see what other people would do in a situation like mine.
I’ve tried 5 therapists so far and only have 1 friend really to talk to when I need help and now that she’s in a new relationship I don’t see or hear from her much anymore. So I wanted to try and see if I could get any help or guidance here , and I’m really grateful to be getting replies from you guys and please don’t feel bad at all for the tough love , I’m just happy to even get a reply.
I actually don’t know if he’s an asshole on purpose or if he’s that way because he truly , really doesn’t know what depression and anxiety (especially both at the same time) are and he truly believes that I’m “faking it”. He’s never actually made the effort to learn anything about it and refused to come to therapy with me when I invited him so he could get a better idea of what I deal with mentally. I oddly really want his support when I feel down even though I know he doesn’t know what I’m going through.
He is good to me in other ways , I guess my confusion is whether I expect way too much from him or if really he’s not good enough for me and what I need in a life partner.
I understand that you still wouldn’t know because you don’t know him or how our relationship is , but I still thank you for your message. xx
I can actually relate on some level because my girlfriend (even though she suffers social anxiety) often accuses me of using anxiety as an excuse to not do things. I sometimes wonder if people at work feel the same way. Personally, I *could* force myself to put myself in situations to appease others, but I'd really prefer not to if I'm feeling particularly unwell. From your last message, it sounds more like he's REALLY NOT GETTING IT as opposed to being an outright asshole, which is good. I think you need to get philosophical on him. I mean - philosophy with a twist of psychology. Perception is what drives anxiety. It becomes everything. So even if HE knows that YOU know there's no reason to be anxious, that does not for one second mean you have the tools to turn that anxiety off to be accommodating. It's a behaviour, similar to an addiction, but which actually has a better prognosis than addiction (in my opinion). He needs to understand that his stance AGAINST you in the fight with anxiety actually adds a dimension to it and worsens it. It's hard to explain but he needs to be made to understand.
I’ve been in a relationship like yours. I think the bottom line is it doesn’t matter WHY he’s not supportive. Or if it’s because he’s an “ asshole “ or “he doesn’t get it” it doesn’t matter! He’s not helping you or making you feel better quite the opposite.
As someone who has had severe anxiety and depression for over 20 years ( I’m 45) As well as Fibromyalgia, CFS, and IBS; I had one terrible relationship 3 years ago. My ex did not understand anything that was wrong with me and just yelled at me when I was sick and /or asked for help or just stayed away.
I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again. I should have ended it much sooner but I was scared to be alone. But being with him was SO much worse !! I ended it when he freaked out on me for waking him up in the middle of the night and almost broke my jaw it was an accident but it doesn’t matter.
That was the END. I had to go the ER. The doctor wanted me to press charges. Instead i made sure if any woman ever came into any ER in NYC with so much as a scratch he would be arrested.
My narcissistic mother thinks everything I have is “ All in my head” and barely speaks to me. These are all toxic people. You need POSITIVE people who understand what you are going through. And support you.
They are out there. Don’t settle. You deserve better. Hugs. A.
Thank you very much for sharing with me and for your reply.
I certainly have a lot to think about . It’s true that after 4 years of the same mental abuse and lack of support , I begin to realize that I’m being robbed instead of uplifted and truly loved.
I am scared of being alone, but I am also so embarrassed to be with someone who brings me down when I need them the most. I am stronger than I know , I’m sure. And you guys’ support and response is doing so much more for me than you can imagine.
Do you think he's making your depression and anxiety worse? It sounds as though he's feeding you negative thoughts, which will give you things to be depressed or anxious about. For example, I don't know if you feel anxious about being on your own when you're older, but it would be understandable if you did. It sounds like exactly the kind of thought that my own anxiety could get hold of, though it's a bit different for me because I'm on my own already!
You said you didn't have many people to talk to, so I wanted to say that you can always talk to me. I tend to read this board when I'm feeling anxious myself, because it helps when I see that other people are worrying about the same frustrating things. I think I get an email though if someone sends me a private message, so I should be able to reply even if I'm not reading the posts here at the time.
I do think he makes it worse , but only sometimes. A lot of it is not his fault , but he definitely doesn’t help (anymore , anyway).
I didn’t even know I was scared or nervous of ending up alone until he made several remarks of me ending up all alone , and the fact that he brought my mother into this last night (who has been nothing but an angel to him) shocked me and made me stay to think much , much deeper into what I need to do about this relationship.
I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore , so I am so grateful for you guys’ immediate support and responses.
I didn’t realize how great it would feel to actually communicate with people who go through the same or similar things as me on top of being depressed or anxious.
After a four year relationship, I can see that it will be a very hard dissition , to break up with this guy , why not lay your cards out on the table and explain that you want to finish with him because you feel your being abused.
His reaction should be enough, if he still wants to carry on with the relationship, you must ask him to listen and learn about your deppression, if. He agrees that a break up is the best thing, then you've both got your answer, and that it's the right thing to do.
It may cause you to stress a little ,but in the long run it will empower you to be able to get along in your own way ,no pressure.
The hardest part is definitely getting him to actually believe that I have depression and anxiety (which is so embarrassing to even write) and then getting him to understand it and how it affects me and how he can help me and I help him deal with it and be able to function and enjoy life , together.
It’s discouraging when they don’t take you seriously and never make an effort to do these things.
So I absolutely need to make it very clear what my issues are and literally feed him the solution (for the millionth time) and see what I get.
Hi there I got angry reading your post as I'm sorry but you b/friends a total jerk! You need support not ridicule as he's done nothing but belittle you and your mum I would seriously question if he's worth being I know you've been to gether 4 almost 5 years you need a supportive network and he is not especially when he involves your mum do you really want to be with him you need to look after your self and get better and I'm sorry but he will not help in the long run! Take care and all the best david
Dump his sorry ass! He's a selfish moron because you make it about you. If he can't understand and help you through it, you don't need him like you think you do..If he's told you he loves you, he needs to prove it...not just words. Smile, you'll be fine.
I can somewhat understand how you must be feeling. My husband had such a hard time understanding depression. I was depressed for 25 years so when we met I was well into depression and it got worse when I was pregnant. It took years for him to understand it but he does now but I have been free of it for over 10 years now so please know there is hope. I do think you are right....when we have someone being negative to use constantly it only causes us to be pulled down further. Love is patient, love is kind.....I try to remember this quote from the Bible everytime I think about any time of relationship I have. True love would not be hurtful or unkind. I am praying for you. You are not alone!!!! -Rachel
Please don’t stick around with a guy that does this to you. I promise you will find someone that is so much better for you and you will be kicking yourself that you stayed with this guy for as long as you have!! Here’s the main thing I have learnt about friendships and relationships. A good friend or partner should only add positives to your life, if they add any negatives like make you more anxious or feel bad about yourself get away because I assure you better things will come. The first few month will be so tough but you will be grateful that you left and you may even start to feel like you can do things you couldn’t in the relationship. You will make friends you didn’t think you could and you will fall in love with an incredible person that loves and supports you with everything they have. Find someone who brings out all the positives in the world. Good luck xxx
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I Don’t Know What My Deal Is
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I feel like I can't live without him
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