So I finally talked to my therapist and she did recommend a low dosage of zoloft. I am just so tired of the mood swings, always wanting to sleep, worrying constantly ,focusing on the small negatvie things about my partner. I love him dearly and I want what we had back where I was excited to see him and looking forward to other things. I have no motivation to go see my horse or cook or really do much. I slept so well last night and I feel exhausted still. Once I took a xanax though last night everythin disappeared for me. The thougths the worry the sick stomach and I was enjoying my time around him not even focusing on it. And when I did focus on it it I couldn't even actualy focus on it I was enjoying us too much. There was a rare moment i had a small bit of anxiety like ugh my goodness you keep trying clothes on but now that I tink of it it doesn't bother me. I am trying and working so hard to fix this stupid shit. I know it gets so bad this time of year and I am going to see how it is in the spring and summer when it gets nice out and the days get longer because that is when I always feel a ton better about life. Ilove him so incredibly much I cannot even describe how much I do. But I truly think I have a very high Seasonal depression due to this.
I was so tired and defeated and nothing excites me. I don't want to go out I just wanna stay in bed and sleep and it sucks! ITs the days the sun isn't shining when I get this way and well with winter coming it won't be shining lol. I just wan the old me back. I know I have been this way before when younger but brushed it off as oh you're just tired or its cold out you just want to sleep. I hate hate hate that I have this and it is embarrassing how it is effecting me so much. My boyfriend is sooo supportive and the most amazing mature loving man I could ever ask for! He would do anything for me and talks me through it asks how my therapy sessions go all of that and I cannot and WILL not lose him because of this anxiety telling me so. I will have moments where I am with him and even think what if I had to end it now and there is such a gut wrenching im about to cry and puke and just die feeling I know I dn't want to and it is the anxiety talking. I just wish I didn't have to take medication for it but if I do because it is an anxiety/depression for thsi time of year Iam willing to do whatever it takes. When I took a small dosage very small dosage of xanax I felt 100% me again. I felt alive and happy and cooking and singing and all smiles when I saw my boyfriend and just so excited to kiss him again (I was sick with the 24 hour bug the other day) and it was just perfect and we had dinner together and he brought up something I knew would have annoyed me if I was not on something but because I was I felt no annoyance I talked with him and we had a wonderful evening and then fell asleep on the couch watching tv together. I just don't want to be relying on medication the rest of my life but I am hoping this is just a seasonal thing as it seems to be. Not with just relaitonships but friendships too this is usually when I end a lot of my frinedhips with CLOSE friends or get into fights and just tell them off which I know in my head I can't do in a relationship. I just feel defeated and exhausted and just tired of it all.