Scared and confused with anxiety

Hello everyone,

So I have been dating the most wonderful unbelievable guy EVER for the past almost year. Suddenly one morning I woke up and my stomach started to feel off like nauseous off. I have had this before with my other ex around the EXACT same time (during september/october) and it just brought out a really bad side of me where I was always crying and just worrying constantly about my relationship whether i loved him or not and then once I calmed down I knew I loved him. This is now happening with this amazing man I am completely in love with. I go out of my way to do things for him I love being around him and kissing and holding each other all of that. But then my anxiety comes up ( I am guessing that is it) and my mind rushes and I am thinking "oh god I am not feeling that butterfly excitement anymore what is happening do I love him anymore do I not what if I don't I can't end this I couldn't ever." and my mind will rush until I somehow calm it down or cry to let go of all the tension and can relax and think clearly and I then think of how miserable and heartbroken I would be without him and it is like I have to re-convince my anxiety that it is all ok. I hate feeling this way I have talked to him about it and he has just told me he is always here for me to talk to and to listen to me and to work through this and if I ever want to break up just to tell him and just even hearing those words makes me want to cry and makes a pit in my stomach. It is like I don't trust myself to what I feel or if this is the honey moon phase being over and going into a real relationship which I am not used to either. Any advice would help. I am seeing a therapist but I really do not want to take medication but I will do anything to fix this. I love him way too much. Just the other day I was with him and I was all smiles and couldn't even feel anxiety. I was so excited to be around him and kiss him and just have him there and then we had a good night together I talked to him more about my anxiety and telling him how I am not used to the after honeymoon phase I always think there should be that butterfly crazy oh my goodness feeling or something is wrong or that I shouldn't be happy on my own doing things on my own or that I should always be thinking about him but that it is ok not to be doing all of that. I just was looking to see if anyone else has experienced this and what they recommend? I love him dearly I truly do but when my anxiety comes up I freak out and think I don't or what if I am only loving him because I am supposed to which makes no sense to me but to my anxiety it does.

Thanks for the support


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21 Replies

  • Hi Alexa, I know you posted this a little while ago, but I really wanted to reply. I feel exactly the same way and I have really bad anxiety, I just wanted to let you know that it really does get better if you talk to your partner about it. I know you said you have which is great, but really do take him up on the offer to just chat about it, as long as he knows that you don't want to break up, but you have an actual illness that makes you think in a strange way, that should help.

    When I first got with my partner, I actually cried hysterically on him and told him that I don't think I love him at all and that I think actually I'm in love with my ex and that I think he was just a rebound. He could have just upped and left, but he didn't he stuck by me and told me he would be there to support me. A few months later and I did it again, totally broke down on him telling him I'm scared and panicked and I don't know if I can commit to him, I'm not sure if I love hi m everything that you have described. Again he was so supportive about it and told me I could talk to him about anything.

    So the next time I felt some pang of anxiety there I sat him down and I explained to him that I have this terrible anxiety and sometimes I think things for no reason and I can't fix that, but I really do love him and I know I do I just have to explain to him that there will always be this anxiety there that I cannot get rid of.

    Anyway, long story (a little bit) short, I am still with him 4 years later and I believe that is because I finally accepted that anxiety is something that is truly there, it wasn't just a feeling it was a really mental illness that I had. So I went to the doctor and I got some help, I had CBT and I also was put on Sertaline (An anti-depressent, but also used for anti-anxiety). These 2 things and my supporting partner have helped so much, and I really would suggest you speak to your doctor about it, rather than let it rule your life, like I did with mine.

    I really hope this helps, I'm just speaking purely from my experience, but I wanted you to know the feelings you're having, you're not the only one who has had them.

    Please excuse the long reply! xx

  • I am so so happy you replied to this makes me incredibly happy to hear! And he is so supportive I just talk to him like I am having a conversation. I told him how my mind rushes and I jump to the worse conclusion but I love him I truly do but my mind races and I just don't understand why it does. I do see a therapist also because I don't want this affecting me throughout my life and I realized my parents got divorced this time of year when I was VERY young and I do believe subconsciously I am remembering that time with them because this happened at the EXACT same time with my ex 2 years ago and really killed me. I have not broken down yet and cried to him about it as I have never felt the need to do that yet ( I used to cry a lot with my ex but I have become stronger and believed in myself more). My boyfriend has been so supportive he knows by my face if something is off and has told me to breathe and just keep breathing and focus on that and my anxiety will go away. He makes me laugh and makes me not think of my anxiety in a sense and we had a wonderful night last night where I didn't even feel a slight bit of anxiety NOTHING came up even when I kind of peeked into it and was like are you there nothing came up I was shocked.

    It is wonderful that he understands I have anxiety since his mom does too and it just doesn't go away it isn't just something you can control and say bye to it is there and working on it helps a lot. I am SO happy for you so so happy that you are in such a good relationship and it is still going so strong it gives me hope and happiness for mine. I know I get it around this time of year too and I am working on moving past it and enjoying each day at a time and not worrying about what is or isn't there. Rather when I have a happy thought about him I let it be and don't try to dig into it like my anxiety wants me to. It makes my stomach churn and my FIRST thought is Oh god I don't love him (yet I do) but my anxiety is either building a wall or something to try and divert it so I don't open up. Only issue is I don't want to be dependent on medication. I don't want to have to be taking a pill everyday to just fix it and just say ok well thats it. Also what is CBT? I do see a therapist I talk to my boyfriend about it and let him know I am thinking of something but I am so happy around him my anxiety doesn't come up then it is usually when I am NOT around him it starts to boil up. I would love to take a supplement or even vitamins as it seems my anxiety stems up ONLY this time of year so far and would love to know if you have suggestions on that?

    Seriously so happy you commented on this and don't ever apologize for a long response I loved reading it it made me so happy for you and happy for myself too that I am day by day accepting my anxiety and instead of fighting it I tell it to go to hell and that I will not let it control my only life lol :)

  • I am so happy to hear that he is so supportive of you, that is the most helpful thing for me is support from people who know that it doesn't just go away!

    I take medication for mine because it happens all year and I have terrible panic attacks which medicine helps control helps me to live a better life :)

    I don't know about vitamins for anxiety unfortunately, I take vitamin D tablets as I have low levels of that, might be worth being tested it may help? :)

    CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy, its just talking things through and learning coping techniques that can help stop the panic when it sets in!

    Yeah it does feel like your head is swirling but I promise it gets better :) I'm glad I could reassure that there are partners out there who will accept and support and you don't need to be someone you're not to be happy :)

    I'm so glad I could help! :) just take it one day at a time and it will not get the better of you! :) xx

  • I want to let you know I am always here for you too. If you ever want to message me or anything I am always on and will help talk to you or anything :)

    and I am just confused as to why we do this? like have you ever gotten to the base of why yours comes up? past relationships? parents divorce? That was mine my parents got divorced this time of year and it killed me and I had to be the strong one for my younger brother. It is years later but I guess subconsciously I gear my relationships towards negativity this time of year.

    Have you every figured out where yours comes from? What do you do when you get those rushing thoughts because I will get them throughout the day and it sucks! I also feel like the transition from honeymoon phase to real relationship phase scares me. I wonder where the spark is that makes me go wild and think OOOO is he gonna text me every moment i think of him. I still get it but it isn't as frequent which scares me too. I think something is wrong and I don't love him or I think something is off or that I have to end it...I just hate the rushing thoughts in my brain I wish they would just subside and realize there is nothing to worry about :(

  • Thank You :) I am always here for you :)

    I think mine is it past relationships as I was treated badly so that's given me anxiety that I can't commit as it might be the same! I guess that's it :)

    I know it does get overwhelming sometimes but stay positive :) x

  • Aw thanks girly !!! Means a lot! Do you ever get anxiety and immediately think of your BF and it gets worse instead of better like my stomach is in knots and idk why I'm not excited when I think of him and i feel like the thought of him should help calm me but instead it brings it up even more instead. Not sure why it does that and it's like I have to stop thinking of him even though I want to because I miss him

  • Yeah I do get that sometimes! I think it's because you're already panicking so no matter what you think of your brain turns it against you! So annoying!

    I usually try to just focus on my breathing and not think about anything else until it calms down a little :) xx

  • Right so annoying! oh well I really appreciate your help and talking it has really made me realize I can get through this as others have too and ended up in long lasting relationships that are loving and healthy!!

    I am focusing on my breathing more too it helps A LOT weirdly enough or if I tell the anxiety to go screw off it helps too lol.

    If you ever need to talk message me for sure :)

  • I'm glad you've found a way for you to deal with it, that's good! :) Yeah just tell it where to go! :D

    Aww thank you, same goes for you :) xx

  • Thank you! just a day by day thing. I just don't want to have it constantly affecting my relationship the rest of my life either.

  • You'll get there, the biggest thing is just to stay positive :) x

  • sorry to bother but randomly would you try to find small things wrong with your partner like my anxiety will come up and be like doesn't that annoy you or isn't that like not cool or something but then later on I could care less and I just love him for him...but the fact I am looking for small things worries me....wasn't sure if you experienced this too?

  • yeah I do experience that, like especially when he's not here, but also he'll like do something really silly like I dont know put something in the wrong place and I'll get really annoyed at him like for no erason, like I'll be like in my head seriously why, I cant even do this can't cope. but then later I'm like oh I'm sorry that was my head for some reason, it's not a big deal.

    Just make sure your partner knows that you can't help the thoughts, that what I did with mine then I dont feel guilty when I have them, which helps me... cos feeling guilty for having them made it worse :) xx

  • thats really helpful! I will talk to him about that! basically telling him in a sense my anxiety likes to build up walls and in doing so it looks for things to get annoyed by and so if i ever get snippy about something I am truly sorry but just bring it to my attention i never ever mean to be <3 Seriously you have been such a calming inspiration to me thank you for everything

  • I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply! I've had a bit of a nightmare busy few weeks! I hope everything went well for you :) x

  • Oh thank you! no worries I hope all is well with you though!

  • Everything is good now thank you! :) x

  • Hi there, I have also lived what you are going through.

    I have been with a wonderful man for three years now and I suffer from constant anxiety. when we met, I was truly a basket case ( not saying that you are in anyway, but I felt as though I was because I had not begun to gave my anxiety).

    I would have the same feeling of fear over whether or not I was being "real" with him, whether, as you said, I was with him because I felt I should be, or because I truly loved him.

    I was very closed off to him when it came to the feelings I had. I knew from the get go that he was absolutely amazing and caring but I was very much confused, not to mention I was also very jealous and insecure which also was an issue.

    Over time though, he has been patient and understanding. He does not suffer from anxiety in the same way I do, so all he can do is listen and do his best to truly understand. He has helped me realise that all I can do in return is be honest with him, as you are doing with your partner. As difficult as it can be to explain our sometimes irrational feelings and worries, it is the best way I have found to make some head way. My boyfriend still has to pry things from me at times when I become to closed off, but I think you'll notice that your worries will become less and less frequent as you learn to share them as soon as they arise. I still think that this is a heavy burden for any S.O. to carry, but if you catch yourself feeling bad for sharing your trouble with your partner, try and remind yourself that he chosen to be with you everyday, again and again. You can not control the future (which is also hard to accept when you're a worrier) and maybe your current relationship will not be your last, but you can't appreciate what you have when you are always AFRAID of losing it.

    You seem to have found someone who is patient and understanding, as I have, so try and feel safe, loved and accepted. if you need reminders every now and again, it is also all right to ask that of your partner. but again, honesty about your feelings is crucial.

    I've come to see that there is no quick fix. I have been to therapy, am on medication and have had to quit school as a result of my anxiety. It really does tend to try and over power every aspect of your life, love life included. So I am working on myself for now. The greatest gift you can give to yourself and others is your well being. I joined this forum a week ago so I think that speaks volumes about the time needed to achieve a certain grip on anxiety, given that I've been in a loving relationship for a while now and am just starting to figure things out.

    I could on for days giving you tips and tricks that I've picked up along the way, but I think the main thing you should know is that you deserve happiness. Right it on a paper and keep that with you if it can help you remember.

    Try and accept that you are loved for WHO YOU ARE and that you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to love yourself in return.

    Don't attempt to foresee every day, appreciate what you have and accept that you are worthy :)

  • Thank you so much for your reply ! It means a lot and I am so happy you're in such a wonderful relationship! I have talked to him I told him I'm going t9 therapy too and he's been so supportive and wonderful ! He tells he I do overthink a lot and it does cause my anxiety and I tell him where it is coming from and how it comes up randomly . He also helps by telling me to just breath and take it day by day. I've never clicked so well with anyone in my life and I'm a tough cookie to click with relationship wise because I usually leave or get bored aka my walls go up but with him we took everything slowly and steadily . It's been wonderful and when I'm with him I can't explain how much love I have fo him. Just last night I was sitting on his lap and looking at him and something just came over him and I just told him how much I loved him and I felt it everywhere .

    I just wish I could get that understanding ofnwhy I get it this time of year like it happened with my ex the exact same time this year too. I see this man as my future but you're right he's even told me take it day by day and breath there is no rush to he finish line.

    One thing I know is I can't just rely on him to help . Yes I csn talk to him but I can't just expect it every day or every time it comes up. I know he is there o listen but it strengthens me too working on it on my own and makes me proud of myself that I'm figuring me out and he's complimenting me.

    Why do you think you don't trust yourself? Any reasoning as to why it came up? We were doing fabulous until these past few weeks after meeting family and weddings and vacation with family all in a 7 week span. And one morning I woke up and it was there. I wonder if it's the fact we dot trust ourselves fully yet and rely on signs instead?

  • Hi Alexa, thanks for the speedy reply :) it sounds like you're really pro active towards handling your anxiety, which is really awesome, congrats on that alone! Breathing is a super awesome technique as well, my boyfriend tells me the same thing x)

    Honestly, I couldn't really pin point why these feelings come back at specific times, but there are a few things I can think of. you've probably heard of seasonal depression? that's what first comes to mind. that doesn't really sound like what your describing though. I know this time of year is always more difficult for me as well, I don't know if it's the apprehension of cold, dark winter days or if it's due to other things in my past (like going back to school in September which was always a source of dread for me). I still don't know what it is exactly but, the fact that we are aware of it kind of makes it easier to "disassociate" from it and just say "well f****, I'm super anxious right now and I might not be thinking straight and there probably isn't any actual threat to me right now so I might as well just take it easy and focus on the most basic thing which is trying to stay calm and positive".

    And yeah, you are super on point in saying that you can't rely on your boyfriend 24/7 for stability and happiness. I had to learn that as well. my past relationships made me feel valued at first but I was to dependant on my ex's and kind of forgot that I could be happy alone.

    I totally think I don't trust myself enough, but I know that stems from low self esteem. I've always had it and still do, but it's gotten much better. I honestly think that came from my upbringing because I might have been over protected and my folks also suffered from depression which made it tough but they we're always loving and present so I definitely can not put the blame on them, it's just the way it was. they did not ask for it either.

    It's always good to ask yourself these questions, now though I try more and focus on me end my present situation because you can only find out so much about the past.

    But yeah, self confidence is super important and hard to achieve. your boyfriend is right on telling you to take it one day at a time :)

  • Hey Marie anne!

    I absolutely loved your reply! I do think it has something to do with a seasonal depression because this time of year even without a boyfriend i get super sad and mopey and it was like starting all over going back to parents got divorced at this time of year and I'm not kidding it started the EXACT SAME time as it did with my ex. I know I try to put up barriers and walls to protect myself but what am I protecting myself from if there is nothing to be feared ?

    You are 100% right with thinking of what calms you ..usually it's my boyfriend but it's when I'm not with him and think a lot is when it isn't a calming aspect.

    I had the same issue with exs I always relied on them and not myself. I know I'm a strong person and I can overcome this I just never understood relationships. I felt like they always had to be on my mind or I'd lose interest or I always had to be overly excited to see them or something g was wrong or if I started getting annoyed something was wrong but I'm more picky and testy this time of year anyways .

    I guess the hardest thing is snapping back to reality and having those knots go away...snapping back is literally exhausting too ha . How did you start T feel better ? Was it slow and hard or what did you notice ?

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