Will it ever leave

[jennylove12]

Will I ever be able to get out of my prison?

Will my anxiety and body convulsions ever stop?

Can I ever expect to get some semblance of life back?

Will agoraphobia ever let its grip of me go?

I’m so tired of fighting this ghost.

It’s aged me terribly and my mind is playing tricks on me every day. I have periods where I space completely out and lose hours in a day without even realising it.

I hate my existence.

I hate agoraphobia

I hate anxiety

I hate depression

I was looking at my gun for hours yesterday,wondering if I had the courage to pull the trigger to end my misery.

WHY ME? Why why why why.

Why any of us.

Fuck it all.

[Janieliza]

I had agoraphobia for 7 years and anxiety and depression for much much longer. I hear you....i really hear you. everyone's different and their journey also. Why? A question I asked myself daily...why any of us indeed!!!! The amount of times I didn't want to be here took over the times I did. I couldn't climb out of the hole I was in but please please listen to me. You aren't alone here....you truly aren't and let me please say that looking at your gun...you hit such a low but there is a light...i swear to you it's there it's just a case of taking those baby steps towards it. I don't want to sound patronising and I know you probably know all this but when you are at the lowest you possibly can be...there is one way to go...thats up and forward and we all here will help you. Talk to me at anytime...i can't promise i can fix it but I can certainly shoulder some of the pain for you. I know it hurts...i know it's the worst pain imaginable because it can't be explained...it just can't. Its hard work and I had to talk about and do things that I couldn't but I pushed and pushed and it took a long time but I finally got there. I'm sorry you are hurting like you are and I'm sorry I can't be more help but what i can tell you is you did the absolutely right thing coming here. You ever need a shoulder...give me a nudge. Take care. Janie.

[jennylove12 in reply to Janieliza]

8 years of been trapped in my house. 5 years since i have spoken to anyone face to face.

It is so hard. 😭😭😭

[Janieliza in reply to jennylove12]

It is.....incredibly hard.

[fib4 in reply to jennylove12]

do you live alone or do you have a support system. it must be awful but i know how you feel

[jennylove12 in reply to fib4]

Alone

[Carl87]

Jenny,

Now despite how daunting, scary and frightening this may seem, how would you feel if you left the house (with a family member or friend), and were told that no matter what, you are 100% completely and utterly safe and that any feelings you’d experience inside of you whilst out of the house , were all a big bluff? Nothing more than it tricking you into believing that it’s dangerous outside. Now being inside your home all that time is of course unimaginable for me, but... I guess it comes down to a simple choice. The harsh and brutal reality of a famous quote from my favourite film The Shawshank Redemption. Which is A) Get busy living or B) Get busy dying. Now obviously I’m not saying for you to choose option B, because what I’m trying to achieve here is for you to pick the better, more fulfilling, exciting, rewarding, wonderful option A. Nothing but fear has stopped you exiting your home. You fear the fear itself. It is so ingrained into your brain that it seems impossible to unlearn these fears. What if you said do you know what ? Enough is enough Anxiety. You’ve stripped me of my freedom, no longer will I be your slave and for once in my life YOU are now the slave and I am your master. The truth is Jenny, you have always been in charge the entire time. You create your own destiny and therefore are the reason you are in this predicament. Now of course, this is through no fault of your own either , you weren’t taught at school whether to go down the happy go lucky path or the path of misery and I’m sure that given the choice you would’ve certainly not chosen the latter. (Or so I’d like to think). None of us enjoy feeling symptoms of Anxiety, it’s horrible , I truly hate it and I go through some shit patches on occasion, but I also get good days, days where Anxiety doesn’t even exist. You are not alone Jenny, you have people in this world going through and have already gone through what you are right now and came out smiling the other end. Life is hard at the best of times but there is also wonderful things to be appreciative of too. One of my favourite hobbies is going for walks, whether that be with my girlfriend or on my own, I love being out in nature, it makes me really appreciate how wonderful it is to be alive. You can also do this if you wish. You can of course if you wanted, leave your house tomorrow, walk to the end of the street and return to your house completely and utterly safe and sound. Are you going to be petrified, of course you are, can the feelings of dread stop you? Harm you? Kill you? No, never. You crawl first , until you are able to crawl sufficiently, then when you are ready , you begin to take baby steps until the baby steps become bigger steps and eventually you will be slowly but surely a part of this world once more. I guarantee it. BELIEVE in yourself , digest it, internalising this literature you are reading because it’s the gods honest truth. I believe in you Jenny. Go get life. We are all routing for you.

[jennylove12]

My family has moved interstate and has no interest in my self inflicted problem. Friends I lost long ago. I’m all alone.