Husband doesn't understand or try to

[Greeneyes30]

What do you do when your spouse doesn't show compassion towards your anxiety? They actually make it worse by getting mad. I've tried to talk to him and all he says is it doesn't matter what he does it's never good enough.

[Stay_strong85]

They simply don't understand. People who don't have it don't understand it. What works for me is simply cry. I don't have much support from family or friends and I learn to accept that most people aroumd us don't understand.

[Greeneyes30 in reply to Stay_strong85]

Crying does help for a little while til the next episode. To be fair I didn't understand it until I went through it but a little understanding goes a long way for us.

[prpaula4]

My partner can be mean about it and even starts arguments just to get my anxiety going, he's the only one that's aloud be sick nobody else.

[Greeneyes30 in reply to prpaula4]

Mine is the same way, he will purposely do or say things to upset or trigger an anxiety attack. It's frustrating trying to get them to understand what it really does to us.

[Lozlee007 in reply to Greeneyes30]

Hello Greeneyes30

I'm sorry to hear that I can't believe someone would wind you up on purpose alone your husband. Does he know how much this upsets you. When I got a similar point with my other half where he couldn't understand I wrote him a letter when he read the letter it made him cry. It was the closest I could get for him to realise the pain I have and still deal with each day. Maybe try writing down how you feel and show him you never know he might surprise you.

Wishing you health and peace

Xx

[NFDK in reply to prpaula4]

That's very sad

[Crystal88]

I know exactly what u mean mine is the same ! i hate it i had went to the hospital all by my self he wasnt there he was sleeping at home he wuldnt take me! men will never understand or those who dont know how it feels or go threw it! keep ur head up i have to deal with all day when hes at work i get my peace lol

[Greeneyes30 in reply to Crystal88]

Crystal at that point do you question your marriage if they can't support or be there for you when you really need it? I feel let down and honestly disappointed that I thought my husband was the one I could count on and I can't.

[Crystal88 in reply to Greeneyes30]

I sit there and ask my husband ?? for better for worse threw sick and health all that lol i think i said it wrong lol but yes i do i even ask whybthe heck did we do a commintmemt if it isnt going to be 50 50 u know ??

[Greeneyes30 in reply to Crystal88]

Haha I made the same comment just today asking him what our vows meant to him. We are just more compassionate by nature I guess but a little effort on their part wouldn't kill them.

[Crystal88 in reply to Greeneyes30]

Yup true story I sit here and tell him I guess I know I have 2 kids and it's my responsibility but I cook and clean for him but then at the end of the day she told me I'm no good for nothing when he's upset and I told him what am I doing here and why is slave know just questions like that I feel unwanted sometimes all us girls want is just for our companionship for our husbands to be there for us physically and emotionally that's all they have to do is just hear us out but then they don't like to take time but then when they're sick they want the full attention because right now my husband starting to get sick but I'm not trying to give him and help him because when I needed it the most and I was at the hospital a few days ago he was not there for me and he did not care he just shut the door and let the ambulance take me instead of taking me himself that's Karma but I have a big heart and I am hoping I don't give in because I always do but it sucks I mean they need to know and they need to feel how it feels not to be wanted or hear it out to you no like me now do you get what I'm saying

[Greeneyes30 in reply to Crystal88]

Yep! Don't cave, he does need to know how it feels especially if he left you alone like that. Problem is they won't feel it like we do and it will just be looked at like we did it out of spite. I did make progress with mine agreeing to marriage counseling but we will see if he follows through. Be strong and let him suffer this one out see if it phases him at all.

[Crystal88 in reply to Greeneyes30]

Yeah hopefully the counseling will help for you and I hope everything goes well but it sucks for us women but he can suffer see howbit goes my anxiety is bad to day may because of the election day uhg

[masteringmyself]

Oh man I totally totally understand this !!!

I really hate whenever I'm having an anxiety attack that is pretty mild and you try talking to someone about it and they just trigger it to get worse. They turn your anxiety attack against you and make the situation about them instead of trying to comfort you and help you feel better.

Truly I believe unless you really suffer from this it's hard to help someone who is going through a bad attack unless you're an understanding or compassionate person.

He's your husband so he should understand I hope you feel better

[Greeneyes30 in reply to masteringmyself]

Yep. It's like they are offended by your anxiety attack and act on it instead of trying to help you. I don't understand how we seem to be a threat in anyway during an attack for them to respond that way.

Thank you! I'm hoping it was a bad day and tomorrow is better.

[masteringmyself in reply to Greeneyes30]

It'll get better no worries, I'm glad for this site because most people don't understand unless they deal with it. So sometimes it's better to try and practice meditating, watching something relaxing, stepping outside for fresh air, peppermint tea, or coming on here to vent. Keep your head up

[Cat33]

I hope counseling if he goes makes him realise just what he's doing to you Anxiety is an illness and you deserve compassion and kindness to get well

It sounds to me he's scared of it as he doesn't understand and doesn't know how to help you

It could be he's feeling inadequate for not knowing what to do

Dr Claire Weekes books on anxiety have lots of advice for partners/ family members on how to help

Good luck you deserve and need kindness

[antianxiety]

i am so relating to this. My husband and i actually seperated because of his lack of compassion and comfort a couple of weeks ago...i was so sick of hearing its in your head and you dont want to stop it!!! i have had many full blown panic attacks trying to get him to help me or just tell me its okay but no its rather..." please go have your panic attack in the living room we are trying to sleep..he doesnt understand that at that moment i feel like i am going to die and im dying alone with no one caring!!!! we have discussed this over and over again but they really cannot understand it if they havent gone through something this horrible. My anxiety is more physical pains 24/7 centred more on my chesy area and lately acid reflux as well making anxiety even worse. i have actually had a guy friend that took me to hospital just to be checked out because he could see me in so much pain and i thought wow he cares atleast but the thing still is we would like our partners to care and just show some support!! my husband is trying now i can see that but i know that he will never really understand the full extend of pain and fear but trying helps. at the end of the day if your partner cant be there in the bad times why does he deserve the good days thats how i feel about it. We made vows in front of God yes so we need to stick to each one not just the ones that seem attractive.IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH!

[lin62-65ze]

Difficult question especially for me as I have lived for 45 years with someone who does not understand. I do not know how old you are and what causes your anxiety, however you can get better. Firstly target the cause and do relaxation, the more you do this the quicker you will become so relaxed you do not get anxious. My anxiety is caused by being a passenger in a car, I drive and if I am with someone going too fast and I have no control I get anxious. I have managed to live with it for years, my husband is a nightmare and I should have got away years ago, now I have left it to late and I ignore him most of the time. He is from Portugal and he has never taken the time to teach me his language properly, I am the one who correspondes to our friends over there. He is not all bad but my three sons have traits which all come from him! Do not despair think positive, I have lots of friends and get out and do my own things. Try to ignore your husband as he does not seem to want to understand, this is normal in a lot of men unfortunately.

[Lbk64]

Hi Greeneyes,

Unfortunately most partners to a sufferer, male or female, don't seem to understand it u less they've had it themselves. My hub never had a lot of understanding for my anxiety until he became very unwell himself. Since then he has been a lot better but he still gets a little bit upset if I feel I need to go to the hospital to get chest pain or something checked out. He has also stayed home on occasion and I have driven myself or my son has taken me. In all fairness, sometimes I ask him to stay home because I cope a bit better if I go alone. I feel pressured when he is there. Why, I'm not sure.

I know this is of no help to you but we all have each other here and we all just "get it".

In a perfect world, our partners would support us 100%. I know I'm very tolerant of when he is unwell, more so than he is of me.