Its making my whole body sick
And my eyes the darkness is
Worse this is bad holding
On by a string but for how
Long life is passing by
Food looks so good
But I can not eat it is all
So sikning a taste would
Make me Beltch more
Looking real bad please
I can take no more
Wilting fast falling
Apart a slice of cheese
And water is ok I spend
Time in bed but rest
Dose not help in sinking
Fast this is not a fun
Ride rembering my old
Life that Disapeared
If it is anxiety how
Come it has not killed me
Anxiety won't kill you.. However letting go of a severe anxiety/depression problem will only keep you from living this life. Go to the doctors, get help. If you don't have insurance, go to a clinic. You have to take care of yourself and living like this is hard. It sucks. I've been there. I'm praying for you to be healed. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes medication is needed.. If medicine isn't for you, find a friend... Someone to talk to about what you're feeling is very helpful.
Dear Smjtty, anxiety is never a primary cause of death. But is sadly a very dangerous condition and it can cause many complications that really can cause death.
I have noticed that you write in a prose form and some of what you write is so articulate and poetic. You have a way of making your feelings really come to life with your words. I find it very easy to understand exactly how you are feeling. This is clearly a gift you have.
It does sound to me like you are suffering an acute episode of anxiety and depression. From the things you mention it also seems to me that you are suffering a very difficult midlife or 'existential' crisis.
I don't know where on this earth you live or how easy it would be for you to see a doctor. I really think you need to see one. These symptoms you describe are all symptoms I have endured and to some extent live with on a daily basis too.
Loneliness, depression and anxiety are all very difficult to live with. Any of them on their own is enough to have a severe impact on a person. All three at the same time is a miserable experience.
But, please believe me when I say that you can get through this. A good doctor will be able to offer some immediate relief for your anxiety, and I think this is your priority at the moment because it is interfering with your ability to eat. I've experienced this, it's a genuine phenomenon and it is horrible. It is so important that you be able to eat. Eating well and following a specially designed diet can make a big difference all round, including lifting your mood.
You are ill with depression and anxiety and you need to see a doctor. Please see a doctor Smjtty.
You are in my thoughts. I do hope you'll see doctor and I hope you find some meaningful respite from this horrible acute anxiety/depression. You have shown a great deal of courage fighting this and sharing your experience in such a moving prose form.
See a doctor, hold on to hope and keep posting here if you find it helps. There are many people with hard won experience here willing to listen, and offer advice and love.
You are not alone, certainly not on this forum. God bless you Smjtty. Wishing you serenity, peace of mind and a calm heart.
With best wishes and love
Jack.
I have seen many Doctors they act like its a head thing I feel as bad as I look Thank You I feel like life is
Ripping me apart
I will talk latter
I'm upset to hear you've been so rudely and ignorantly dismissed by doctors. May I ask where you are from? Unfortunately Smjtty all we can do on this forum is offer advice and genuine, loving care. I'm going to suggest something, but please don't think I'm being rude and suggesting that you are crazy. Have you considered seeking out a good mental health advocate? The advocates are volunteers and they know exactly how the system works. I feel if you went back to see a doctor with such an advocate you may get some help. For a doctor to dismiss you by saying "it's all in your head" is extremely unprofessional. If he thinks whatever is making you miserable is all in your head then he should have referred you to a therapist at least, if not a psychiatrist. From what I've learned from your posts, it seems you were assaulted and it has left you feeling disfigured and ugly, this seems to be taking a significant toll on you mental health. You may be eligible for a referral to an NHS aesthetic reconstructive surgeon. The surgeon would be able to correct any injury to your nose or eyes. It sounds to me as if you had your nose broken which caused bleeding into the soft skin under the eyes. This caused heavy bruising from what you describe. Unfortunately in skin as thin and delicate as that found under the eyes any significant, long term bruising can cause a change in the pigmentation or colour of this skin. I had an operation on my left eye when I was a kid and to this day The skin under my left eye is slightly darker than my right eye.
You seem very willing to write yourself off. Please don't do that. Keep posting and I'm sure you can find the right help; or at least find fellowship with other anxious and depressed people. I've found that really helps.
In truth, I think you will only see a big difference when you begin to be a bit kinder to yourself and explore all options. It seems at the moment you feel so thoroughly depressed and defeated that you've almost given up. I think I might understand how you feel, I've been in that position. The change you want to see has to begin with a conviction that you deserve a better life and deserve to be happy.
Well once again I've wittered on too long. I hope you feel better about yourself soon. We can say how wonderful and unique you are, how much you have to offer. The truth is that if you refuse to believe that you ARE a beautiful marvel of creation, all of our sincere words won't help. Don't lose heart, dig deep and keep fighting. You're not alone and you can win this battle.
With my best wishes
Jack
Thank You
Mamma I would love to hear you
Im sorry I look so different you
do not understand Momma I do not feel good a long time ago
You and my Father made me crazy
So I did all the wrong things
Momma I miss u so but you could
never understand there is nothing
I can do now about this
If I looked and felt better I would
Be with you Mamma
Dave gets to be with Momma as nutty
as she is I never thought life would be like this O Mamma
Im gratefull
Dark ness around the eyes why did this happen to me
Why did this person hit me years ago It has not really
faded the broken nose not the nose I remember
Droopy eyes full of sadness that only a monster
would know do not tell me I look ok this is not
A cheering section for a baceball team this is real
Why do I feel so sick washed up down the drain
Dirty smelly as if I went fishing but it doesnt matter
When I look like this another day under a rock
This med is strong who cares Im so sleepy life has gone on without me I do not want any one one
To see my like this I miss some people but here
are just cats without names there are people walking
fast looking so good you are so perfect
This is a quick response Smjtty. Have you considered keeping all of your posts and having them published under a pen name? They are poetic. They are a melancholy prose that gives a true glimpse into the mind of a very depressed person. I think your prose would really serve to highlight the struggle of those with anxiety and depression.
You have a way of expressing your feelings which is deeply moving and revealing. They are so well written that I believe that even a person who has never felt even slightly depressed would begin to see in your prose what a terrible struggle it is. You have a gift. Your posts are always so moving.
I desperately wish I could do something to really help you. All I can say is you are not alone, not here.
Constantly in panic mode. My heart rate won’t go down!
I really can't wait :-)
Fed up of the ups and downs ; (
Feeling Down and not knowing what to do anymore im just over it i feel like im just going to die sooner or later 
