Hi smjtty, it always breaks my heart to know you are hurting so much emotionally. What was your life like before that incident at the party that night? Where you happy? I wish there were something I could say to you that would help ease your pain. I do care smjtty.
O a long time ago I went to a party that me and my boyfriend should not have gone to but we did The people were No dam good out of the blue Brain hit me long
Story broken nose and black eyes that never realy
Heal very wel It was hard to live with but this high dose of vitamin D made me darker around the eyes
It is harder now I look like a freak it is hard to hard
Hi Smjtty, it sounds very much to me like you are struggling with either a mid life crisis or living with regret.
I think I'm having a mini mid life crisis of my own. Also please believe me when I say I know a thing or two about regret.
The first thing I did when I ran away from the 'boarding' school I had to go to when I was 15 was run to Portsmouth in England. I got a job on the docks. This was long before tattoos became the fashion statements they are now. I got a tattoo that had a picture of death and the words 'no remorse, no regrets' on scrolls around it. Many of my friends that worked on the docks visibly winced when I showed them it. I was hurt, I thought it was cool and it was how I felt at the time. I felt like "no matter what, I don't give a f**k"
I'd had a pretty difficult childhood and now I just wanted to party and do whatever I wanted. I was very angry with the world.
Ironically this anger led to me having a pretty difficult young adulthood too. And now at 45 I'm full of regrets, no matter what that 30 year old tattoo says.
It sounds to me my friend like you are depressed and also perhaps suffering from loneliness. Many people don't understand that loneliness can be a killer. Human beings are social animals, we are not meant to spend vast amounts of time alone or secluded.
I wish I had some wonderful advice for you. I do have some good advice for you. Please don't ever call yourself an 'old hag'. There are plenty of unkind people in this world so it makes no sense to make their job easier and be cruel to yourself.
Every human being who has no evil in their heart is a beautiful human being. Please don't let regret, loneliness and self loathing twist you up. We can't change the past, all we can do is change how we react to it. You have probably learned more in your life then many could in two lifetimes. I promise you you are NOT a hag.
Don't be angry with yourself for going to a party. It sounds like you are lonely. Anyone in your position given the chance would most likely have gone to that party. When you were at the party an ignorant and spiteful person hit you. That's where it should end.You are allowing that unpleasant person to continue hurting you by getting so angry with yourself and being unkind to yourself.
Make plans for the future, try not to dwell on the past. You are here. I believe this is a good place to be. There are some very caring and kind people here. There is no prejudice here, no judgement. You are a wonderful, unique human being with your own experience and wisdom to bring to this forum. I'm sure you could give a lot of help to others because of your experience.
You had a bad day. Put it to rest and put it behind you. We are all here for you. You're not a hag, you're a beautiful, wise and unique soul, with a great deal to offer.
You can still see? You can see the beauty of creation, you still have a heart,,you can love and feel loved. You have a brain, you have hard won experience and you have love and support. I can't see you, and you can't see me. But I know you are beautiful I can see it in your words, the struggle in your world, the quiet, unspoken bravery, heroism really. You're one of life's true survivors. Lean on us for a while. Believe me when I say you're beautiful. And we can do what ever we can to make you feel more beautiful too. It's not so bad. I'm sure nothing that can't be fixed.
Jack, you have such a way with words that not only are inspiring but straight to the heart. It is truly a response worth reading over and over until the full impact is felt. You are certainly a caring and loving person that we can well learn a lot from. Wishing you a great day.....
Smjtty I don't think you are crazy. I think you are depressed and anxious and perhaps lonely. Any one of those could drive me crazy, but I don't think you're crazy. You just have too much to deal with. I think if you keep writing you prose and keep in touch with us you'll survive. But I want you to be happy, not just to survive. That's what you deserve Smjtty. I'm sorry if I made you think that I thought you were crazy.
Thank you Edatis. That's why I love this forum, precisely because I don't feel alone. I've met some great people that have shared, cared and given me the best of advice. I have met people here that really helped me to understand the illness I have, they've freely shared tips with me and advice. I learned more about my condition and been given meaningful support all the way through a difficult period and throughout my recent operation. I love this forum, and I thank God it exists. Beautiful souls, sharing and caring.
I was so low about 3 months ago. I didnt want to live. A voice inside me said i couldnt do it. I had a breakdown and it all started from there. This was to do with having a very bad past going on years. A very emotionally and physical abusive relationship. And a very stressful job of which i have left now.
I felt I was worthless. I used to have confidence but i lost that confidence through an emotional and physucally abusive telstionship. I have serious depression and anxiety. I am with mental health. All i will say are a couple of things
Dont let people drag you down. You are a wonderful unique person with lots of good points. Its only the jealous who like to put you down whether physically or mentally. Get rid of the negative people as i have.
You are stronger than that and better than them. There are a lot of people on this site who care. Ignore the prople who hurt you they are not worth it. Love the people who are worth your love. Dont look back look forward. And always remember you are here for a reason and its sounds like you have been tested in the past maybe you can help others to be strong like you.
I have a little way to go to be out of the woods myself but i will get there with councilling and medication and support from my doctor and friends.
I hope so too Sueb1. I thought your words to Smjtty were courageous and very kind. I think Smjtty will probably respond better to ladies. I think she needs some female support and advice.
Some thing has taken over my body a sick feeling struck me like lightening for a while now something you cannot uner stand it will not go away why my best friends are cats but Mama cat and Babe will be taken by the City they are stray a mean set of people that are over come with hate Callaco has been caught
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I really can't wait :-)
Cant wait to go to bed..
Waiting on test results
The Waiting Game
Waiting for nurse to phone me back 
