I need to write this to get it all out. I don't know if it is going to help at all but I just can't do it anymore!!! I am sitting here crying as I write because I just can't stop thinking. I think I sound way over-dramatic but I guess you all understand the feeling.
I am from Australia and I have been away from home now for 11 months. I am 25 and I feel like such a baby when I am constantly saying that I just want to go home! I just want my mum. This is my first relapse and while I know whats happening, I still can't deal with it. First time I was diagnosed with GAD and OCD I was at home and had a fiance and family close by which helped me to make a recovery. In fact I was feeling so much better about life and myself that I decided to come to the other side of the world to get over my engagement breakdown. So while I have lasted 10 - 11 months (7 of the months feeling really great) I want to go home.
I went off my medication in July because I was feeling so great and I no longer felt I needed it. I was fine for a few months then things went wrong in October and while I was managing alright using all forms of relaxation and other techniques, little worries were getting through. Then along comes December when my mum comes over for her holiday and BAM I have a complete breakdown while she is here. Now she is gone I am at my worst. I cannot function. I am practically alone in this country as all my friends (the few that are still here) are in couples and I'm not really someone they talk to or include very often. So I spend every night home alone in a quiet house and most nights I come home and cry. My sister only left on Tuesday too so that is also very upsetting.
I know everyone just says I am homesick and it will pass but I don't think they realise that its not just homesickness, I feel I have depression, anxiety, ocd all at once. I can;t get on a train without a panic attack. I have contacted doctors but unless you have money up front there is no help for someone like me and they do not believe I am bad enough to move up the list because I am not suicidal!!!! How is that helpful?? IS their reasoning that if they leave me longer I WILL become suicidal and then be able to get help faster!!! I dont understand this system.
The thing that annoys me the most is my worries. They are not about the future or anything like that! THey are about the past. I can take any memory in my head and soon it will cause a panic attack. Any bad decision I have made in the past is open to my mind and the moment I get away from work they all come crowding into my head and I just can't stop it. I can't reason away the what if's like I used to. I can't forgive myself for the potential mistake, or for the potentially dangerous situation I put myself in. Everything is bloody dangerous according to my mind. Dangerous or illegal or unforgivable. I'm not a bad person, I really am not! These thoughts just plague me.
So I have made the decision to go home first thing next year, but the earliest I can go is after the 14th of January and that is so far away. More than likely it will be the 21st of January and that's even further away. I just don't know how I am going to get through the Christmas season when every day lasts a year and I feel awful for most of it. I don't know how I am going to get there. I have pissed off my mum and dad by msging them so often (for example 4am their time tonight!!!) I just don't know how I am going to last till them, especially when I am so along and so stressed and my mind just won't stop. It feels like forever away.
Well I have stopped crying, that's a good start. Does anyone have any ideas to help me make time pass quicker. I was thinking of volunteering for Christmas (boxing day really) so that I didn't spend my days off home alone. I just don't know how to push through this without any support or help or a professional to talk to. I need all the help I can get right now.