I just want to go home!

[SweetieCass]

Hi everybody,

I need to write this to get it all out. I don't know if it is going to help at all but I just can't do it anymore!!! I am sitting here crying as I write because I just can't stop thinking. I think I sound way over-dramatic but I guess you all understand the feeling.

I am from Australia and I have been away from home now for 11 months. I am 25 and I feel like such a baby when I am constantly saying that I just want to go home! I just want my mum. This is my first relapse and while I know whats happening, I still can't deal with it. First time I was diagnosed with GAD and OCD I was at home and had a fiance and family close by which helped me to make a recovery. In fact I was feeling so much better about life and myself that I decided to come to the other side of the world to get over my engagement breakdown. So while I have lasted 10 - 11 months (7 of the months feeling really great) I want to go home.

I went off my medication in July because I was feeling so great and I no longer felt I needed it. I was fine for a few months then things went wrong in October and while I was managing alright using all forms of relaxation and other techniques, little worries were getting through. Then along comes December when my mum comes over for her holiday and BAM I have a complete breakdown while she is here. Now she is gone I am at my worst. I cannot function. I am practically alone in this country as all my friends (the few that are still here) are in couples and I'm not really someone they talk to or include very often. So I spend every night home alone in a quiet house and most nights I come home and cry. My sister only left on Tuesday too so that is also very upsetting.

I know everyone just says I am homesick and it will pass but I don't think they realise that its not just homesickness, I feel I have depression, anxiety, ocd all at once. I can;t get on a train without a panic attack. I have contacted doctors but unless you have money up front there is no help for someone like me and they do not believe I am bad enough to move up the list because I am not suicidal!!!! How is that helpful?? IS their reasoning that if they leave me longer I WILL become suicidal and then be able to get help faster!!! I dont understand this system.

The thing that annoys me the most is my worries. They are not about the future or anything like that! THey are about the past. I can take any memory in my head and soon it will cause a panic attack. Any bad decision I have made in the past is open to my mind and the moment I get away from work they all come crowding into my head and I just can't stop it. I can't reason away the what if's like I used to. I can't forgive myself for the potential mistake, or for the potentially dangerous situation I put myself in. Everything is bloody dangerous according to my mind. Dangerous or illegal or unforgivable. I'm not a bad person, I really am not! These thoughts just plague me.

So I have made the decision to go home first thing next year, but the earliest I can go is after the 14th of January and that is so far away. More than likely it will be the 21st of January and that's even further away. I just don't know how I am going to get through the Christmas season when every day lasts a year and I feel awful for most of it. I don't know how I am going to get there. I have pissed off my mum and dad by msging them so often (for example 4am their time tonight!!!) I just don't know how I am going to last till them, especially when I am so along and so stressed and my mind just won't stop. It feels like forever away.

Well I have stopped crying, that's a good start. Does anyone have any ideas to help me make time pass quicker. I was thinking of volunteering for Christmas (boxing day really) so that I didn't spend my days off home alone. I just don't know how to push through this without any support or help or a professional to talk to. I need all the help I can get right now.

[fadedlizard]

Hi-ya Sweetie,

I've suffered from anxiety since before I was in my teens and I've had some awful experiences with it but one of the worst was the first few weeks when I left home and started university. Believe me there is no JUST about homesickness!!!! It will pass but you know that yourself. It's just hard to focus on that when you feel so upset.

I think you have the right idea - if you have something to do over the festive period it will help the time pass quicker and hopefully will help you feel better too. Check out your local newspaper (it probably has a website) to see what is on in your local area and if there are any charities you can volunteer for. Homeless charities such as Shelter are often looking for volunteers to help serve food to those who have nowhere at Christmas - perhaps there is a project like this in your town? Go to your local library too (if your town is still lucky enough to have one!!!) and read the community notice board to see what is on. Possibly your local supermarket will have a board like that too. Hopefully there will be something there that interests you.

You've done so well Cass, moving half way round the world and starting over and you have made a new llife for yourself here. This is a set back not a perminent state. It will get better. And January will come quicker than you think.

Keep in touch. Writing on here really helps you to get things out of your head and you'll be surrounded by a community of people who've been there. You are a long way from home but you are not going through this on your own.

Love and Best Wishes.x

[rouri]

Hello cass, just wanted to say hello and you are not alone, you probably feel like that cz you are home sick, just calm down and try to think if this is what you really want, are you having anxiety cz you are away from home? remember your family cannot make your anxiety stops, it is you that can do that, you have to work on yourself. are you working at the moment? if you are in London Crisis UK will need help on Christmas day and boxing day and i am sure they will appreciate helping hand, i am sure as well you have local charity that needs some help, there you would meet some nice people. you are just missing company but please try to relax and see the positive side of being in UK, please we are all here to help so post when you can and whatever you need to ask

love and God bless

rouri

[BriarRose]

Hi Cassie - very good advice from FL, my love do take it.

First, if you need/want to talk to anyone, anytime, the Samaritans are there 24/7 - yes, over Christmas Day as well, - they will talk to you about anything and help you feel less alone - they know Christmas is difficult for a lot of people. Go to:

samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

I think volunteering over Christmas is a brilliant idea, lots of organisations need people to feed the homeless or whatever - there is almost bound to be something where you live. Rather than give you one website, I'm attaching the results of a google search - hope it works - here goes

google.co.uk/search?source=...

There should be something there for you, hun.

And, as FL says - it really isn't that long to January - I know it feels like it, but it isn't - if you do decide to go back to Oz. You WILL get through this, hun, and as Fl says, keep posting, we're all here for you - you may be alone, but you're not on your own - promise!

Lots of love

Rose

xxxxxxxxx

[Melgil58]

Hello cass sorry your having a bad time over here its not been one of our better years weather wise especially compared to what you may be used to you say you are going home in January and it seems a long way off why not flip it and tell yourself everyday your a day nearer to going home and as you say if you can find something to pass the time it'll pass all the quicker I wish you the best and the time to pass quickly for you and can I hide in your luggage and come with you instead of freezing here good look to you Mel

[SweetieCass]

Thank you everyone for your support. It is so nice to be able to read responses from people who understand the feelings and the strength of the anxiety.

Its not just the weather thats getting to me, it was a culmination of a rather stressful time which would have caused anyone stress but I think with the added homesickness and darkness, I just tipped over. Dont get me wrong, I do love the UK and I had a great great time but I think I am also just ready to go home. I don't want to think that my anxiety was making me go home but really when I look at it, I have been thinking this since about October. I did a great thing by leaving my home for a year and I am proud of that.

I have now signed up for Crisis Christmas volunteer work and I have booked 3 shifts to keep me busy over the holiday season. Unfortunately another problem with being overseas in the holidays is that you feel like an orphan with no where to go.

January does seem so far away still. One day at a time will have to become my mantra. I still have things left to do in London so I will do those in my spare time rather than coming home... might speed things up.

Thank you again everyone. Im sure I will keep posting but I want you all to know I appreciate you reading and responding.

[ellabella]

Just read this Cass and well done to you for everything you have achieved! Just be so proud of yourself for doing all these life changing things and all are now tucked under your belt of experience. This last bit of your adventure can bring so much joy and help to others that need help at this crazy time of year. Strip it down to basics and do one thing at a time. Bless you for thinking of others at this stressful time in your life. One day not far away now...you will look back at this time and wonder how the hell you did it???? and you will have the knowledge and power to help others so much. Bless you love x Ella x