I am feeling really down. My good deeds are punished and all the things I enjoy seem to ruined by others.

Depression and anxiety not so bad but keep having suicidal feelings and I just want out.

I am still doing most of my normal things in life but I just can't seem to care about myself at all. This sounds awful but I really envy people who are dying or dead and just wish that I could join them. Life just seems so s.... I am still smoking even though I have got COPD and I think the reason I won't stop is because I have a strong death wish. I know its killing me and I just wish it could be a lot quicker.

I have got no interest in anything or anybody and am sleeping up to 12 hours a day. I don't want to get up I just want to stay somewhere where I feel safe and I haven't got to deal with anything or anyone. I really wish I could just fade away and have done with this awful life as soon as possible. I want to change places with anyone who is terminally ill.

I'm not looking for advice or sympathy - I just want to get how I feel out in the open. I feel useless and numb and a waste of space and I just don't care. I can't clean up my home and its becoming almost unliveable. I don't care what I am wearing or whether I am clean or not. Everything is too much effort and I have no energy...just wish I could fade away quietly and on my own. Its too much effort to cook and I am living on sandwiches coz its easy.

One of the things I still enjoyed was walking my sisters dog. That has been ruined now by a lunatic dog owner and I now suffer acute anxiety when I take her out. I can't relax and enjoy myself. Everything I enjoy is ruined by others. I don't want to be part of this horrible world any more. Its killing me.

Bev

[BriarRose]

Hi hun - do you mind me asking - and forgive me if you've said and I've missed it - are you on any medication? Cos tbh you sound very very VERY depressed to me. I'm not a great advocate of anti-depressants, but think they do have a place, when we're as low as you are, hun.

Oh, and I understand about the COPD and the smoking - although I do want to give up the fags, I can't. I also want to clean the house/self, and can't. So i know about the "everything is too much effort" - I feel the same way.

Please, hun, if you're not receiving treatment from your GP/MH services, DO go and get some help! NO-ONE is a waste of space, hun, you're NOT useless, your'e ill, please try to get some help.

Lots of love, I do understand a lot of what you're suffering, believe me!

Hugs

Rose

xxxxxxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi Bev

I agree with Rose. You should take a visit to your GP as what your going through is something that can be helpled. When you are depressed you become very fatigued and have no energy for anything. So it is normal to not want to clean and cook, I know what its like when everything seems to take too much effort, you sound really depressed about everything and it is wearing you out. Unfortunately these are awful syptoms of depression, and one of the most awful of these symptoms is to think about dying because everything seems so shit and awful,

I know what you are going through believe me... I lost my business last year, along with all my assets, I felt I was a burden on my family i felt I had lost my place in society along with my dignity and everything else and I started to think the same things you did about being better of dead because i felt so useless and not in control of my life anymore. I developed severe and chronic fatigue where i didnt even wash myself.

A year down the road and I am feeling so much better and I am slowly getting my life back on track at my own pace but with a much more optimistic attitude, I can feel my old positive self returning. I can assure you that everything you are feeling will pass and you will get your life back on track if you seek professional help for it. It is difficult to see the anything from a good light when you are in the depths of depression and thats why its important to seek help. If i was you I would speak to your GP about these things and they will refer you to get the help you deserve.

Can I also suggest that you still take your sisters dog for a walk or even get a dog of your own when you are feeling a bit better, i say this because it sounds like you love dogs. Cant you take your sisters dog to a different park for a walk or change the time you take him for a walk. I am just suggesting this because you obviously enjoyed the dog walking so dont let anyone ruin that for you. Also speak to your sister about how you feel if you think she will be understanding about it.. And remember if you find everthing too much you can always call the Samaritans for telephone support they are absolutely brilliant with people who are suffering depression or are in despair. Check out there website at samaritans.org

So a quick final note Bev please be assured you can get your life back on track with the right support. There is lots of it out there, if you are having difficulty trying to do that ask your sister to help you. But make your GP your first port of call. You can email me anytime by visiting my profile page on here if you want to chat or talk things through.

Take care, be strong and get back to the dog walking if you can.

Dimitri x x x

[Hidden]

Hi bev

Rose and dimitri have said everything I would have said too so I just want to say that I was in a really bad place last year and experienced all the horrible stuff you are describing. I'm on meds and having therapy and I'm in a much better place. You don't have to live like this there is help out there please talk to your gp or write it down and hand it to them. I know it feels like life isnt worth living but it is its the depression clouding your thinking. it is hard but you can do this and you will enjoy the beautiful sunshine, the green grass and blue sky again you will honestly love to you eve x

[copdber]

Bev I feel for you and I understand you. The others have given you good advice there's not much more to add only to tell you I've been there. If your not on anti d's please contact your gp and give them a try they gave me my life back I have been taking them for 6 years and I have no intention of coming off them. I also have copd and am on meds for the rest of my live so whats the difference thats they way I look at the meds. If you are on anti d's you could talk to your gp about tweaking the dose or change to a different one. Have you tried counselling. Please Please don't accept feeling like this get help you can feel better Bev don't worry about smoking once your feeling better about life you'll want to quit then.

[anxiouslyyours]

HI BEV I was so sad reading your blog depression can be sooo hard - I totally agree with the other blogs listen to all these wise people - you must seek help this is the first step up & out of your depression, try not to let other peoples words & actions affect you so much especially with the dog walking as Dimitri said it is a good thing to do - animals are wonderful at all times especially for those of us who suffer with depression. Music is a great help also if you can listen to some you like or even discover some new music I find Folk & Country Western music can be quite uplifting. just anything you like can help lift your spirits. I listen to Eva Cassidy a lot she is awesome and her story is very poignant. No one is useless we all have our special talents and so will you try not to be so unkind and hard on urself. JanXX

[Hidden]

I am really touched by all your kind words and understanding of how I feel. I know many people feel like this. I am not the only one.

I am on ad's and have been for 5 years or so. Have had quite a lot of counselling. It has helped a lot and now I can at least (most of the time) live with myself and function in the real world. Neither counselling or drugs can alter my low self esteem though or the feeling that I don't want to be here. All they can and have ever done is to enable me to function better and cope so I can earn my living and have some sort of a life. I can now rationalise and understand whats behind all this but it doesn't, and can't, change it.

I feel like as a child I lost quite a bit of myself (or it never developed in me) the abillity to love, the ability to commit to another and the ability for intimacy. I have never been able to live a 'normal' life of having a partner and/or children. Nearly all my friends have this and take it for granted. I expect most of you here have too. As a result now at my age of 59 I have no one. I am not blaming anyone else for this not even me...I have had to accept this though or I would have gone 'mad' years ago. Drugs and counselling can achieve a lot but it cannot change the 'basic' me. Thats why I feel so sad and empty. I am fed up with the lonliness and knowing it will be this way forever. I can't keep a man because of the reason I put in my blog so it can never change. And its much too late for me to have children. I feel like an alien in a world full of people who have the normal things in life. When anyone talks about their partner or kids I can't join in - I am different and I feel some of my friends pity me. I know that my youngest sister despises me for it - she has often said that I could have had the same but she doesn't know why I haven't. I am not close to her so would never tell her. I just have to put up with her remarks and those of others who think I am a bit strange.

Like I said I have had enough of it and don't want any more.

I do appreciate all your advice though.

Bev x

[Hidden]

Oh jut reread my blog and I didn't put the reason in there. I suffer with severe vaginismus. I have had treatment but it doesn't help.