Is it me or what ?

[Dodo777]

I was bullied by my father and I mean bullied everyday and ridiculed. Went to school I was bullied. Went to boy scouts The captains goffer or sergeant bullied me until I broke down in tears so I stopped going even in work I was picked on. Some times I fought back in school I beat up my bully and it went to my head and thought I could fight the world and got my arse kicked many of time. I am a bit angry because my son who I love to bits is borrowing a lot of money , he is paying me back but he borrowed £450 over the last few weeks paid me back £300 but yesterday wanted a tenner today 20 I know hi will have it back but I haven't had lodge off him and he likes to be warm so I am putting money in the meter more than usual and he likes his munchies because he smokes a lot of skunk. I hate saying no because I know he is finding life hard and he is so social awkward. I tend to think like this when I feel I am being taken for a fool. I over react because of past and tend to remember all the bullying and harsh words said to me. I think I was a sensitive kid with a good memory specially when I got hurt emotionally. My son has also a temper we both have and I don't want to spoil what we have because I know he is feeling depressed. He has put me in hospital and I him he has scars and I had to stay in hospital for a badly twisted hip. We both cannot afford to go to prison for a few reasons mainly losing our home and huge cuts to out incomes. He also gets more money than me because I have a car and bills to pay for. His mother is also very good to him but she is working and is making very good money on the side. I must put my foot down because I am not spending my savings going skint and not being able to buy things for my hobbies which is guitar playing the strings and magazines cost and the internet my phone and other treats. I think he plays on my constant worrying about him but I think he is getting a large cheque soon but that's his words and is he saying that just for me to keep giving. I can only take so much.

[Agora1]

I am glad you came here today to vent. You have certainly had a more than difficult life growing up. Having adult children relying on parents presents other problems.

I have the same thing because my daughter is ill, wants her freedom but with me paying for it. I worry about my daughter as you do your son. It sounds like you both have anger problems that need to be contained so that you don't get hurt or end up in prison. Money only goes so far when there are bills to be paid. I don't know what the answer is. My therapist stresses a tough love approach but how can you do that when the person is ill. Taking all this on our backs as our responsibility certainly adds to the already anxiety state. I can only say that I do understand.

[Poppy2015 in reply to Agora1]

Hi Agora

I was interested to hear your comments about tough love and share your view. I was on the receiving end of it when I was battling an addiction and it did more harm than good. I just wanted unconditional love, not do this and I'll love you. My mum loves me unconditionally though, I know that for she has stuck with me through my bleakest days despite coming from a generation who weren't accustomed to dealing with mental health problems. The tough love I referred to came from a friend who I'd trusted with my problem and it really hurt me.

xxx

[Dodo777 in reply to Agora1]

Agora i did type you a big piece just now mostly about how we are both living the same and both have a grown up child to worry about but I touched a button and cut myself off only have a bit more data left now. I am better I drank loads of water last night.

I hope your ok today I am thinking of you and your daughter and pray she gets the help and finds her way back the same goes for you. I am feeling a bit lonely and worried my son is we both live in different rooms only passing in the kitchen or bathroom but we both love each other and are happy as can be expected for now at least. He has a weight room or gym and hundreds of films to watch so hopefully he isn't over thinking.

I do hope your coping better. Chat later.

[Agora1 in reply to Dodo777]

Hi Dodo: I am so glad you are feeling better. I wrote a couple small notes to you but they didn't go through. My computer sometimes freezes. I'm glad drinking a lot of water helped. Hopefully you will be able to take a little food for nourishment as well. I know it can be a lonely life but at least you and your son seem to be doing better.

Take care of yourself and be well.

[Dodo777 in reply to Agora1]

My son is so closed off he's not ready to live in this horrible world and I fear sometimes because i dont want to leave him here on his own. I worry with my health that I will pass sooner than I thought leaving him here because i know he will not cope. How can I get him ready to cope ? I know its silly but he has suffered enough. His childhood wasn't the best. His mother doesn't want to know really.

[Agora1 in reply to Dodo777]

I think worrying about our adult children is something many parents go through when the kids are not married.

It's like they have no one who would understand them like a parent does. I don't know what the answer is to make them ready. We have to leave it in God's hands.

[Dodo777 in reply to Agora1]

My boy is quite happy to be on bis own he has a girl friend but doesn't want to live with her for some reason. He used to get into alot of trouble and his friends are still breaking the law and so he stays away from them he has problems going out to  socialize which worries me. I been ill ad you know with being dehydrated and I think it makes me more anxious more insecure. 

I hope your coping today and that your daughter is as well as can be. I can onlyiimagine the worry you go through with her anorexia. 

[Agora1 in reply to Dodo777]

I'm glad your son has a friend he can turn to in times of need.  That's good that he has realized

he needs to stay away from trouble makers.  I know you aren't feeling well, the dehydration

certainly makes you feel worse I'm sure as well as more anxious.  The insecurity I think comes from us living a totally different life than most.

I know I always feel people can tell that I'm anxious and nervous even though I am trying

to blend in with the crowd when I do get out to

the store.   I went to the post office today and was glad it was cold out so I could hide within my winter coat.  A scarf and gloves makes me feel more comfortable in hiding.  I dread the sunny warm days when I feel more exposed to the world.  Does that make sense?   At home, I like it dark.  Shades closed, don't answer doorbell or phone.  It is a different way of life for sure.   Feel better Dodo.........

[Dodo777 in reply to Agora1]

I tent to hide behind sun glasses and cap pulled down low like if I have something to hide so I know how you feel I also love the wind and rain and the cold just like you to rap myself up like if I'm ready to do a bank robbery. It just started raining love hearing it hitting my Windows.

[Agora1 in reply to Dodo777]

I'm glad I'm not alone in how I think..

[Poppy2015]

Hi Dodo

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, I don't know if you have a religious faith, but would you mind if I prayed for you and your son? My mum and I are both Christian (don't worry, this won't be shared with her), and I know I find being prayed for helps me, maybe its knowing someone else who cares is thinking about you that does it?

You've had a tough life and are still having one, I've been through the mill myself over the years for lots of reasons so whilst not exactly sharing own circumstances I can relate to the emotional pain of it all.

Love

Poppy

[Dodo777 in reply to Poppy2015]

I had a book from a the local church they always post a leaflet every month. I did try and go back to church but because of my anxiety I could not be around so many people and had to leave. I do have faith and pray often.

[Agora1 in reply to Dodo777]

Me too, I feel there are days that it gets me through.

[Poppy2015 in reply to Dodo777]

I totally understand dodo, having faith is the key thing, God knows your heart. Anxiety is such a cruel illness eh! it can destroy good things replacing them with emptiness and fear, but we have to fight it if we have even a bit of strength. I had a bad start to today, well yesterday was pretty c++p actually and I didn't get hardly any sleep and I got up this morning feeling scared and anxious, convinced I was going to have a fit and die. Now I don't normally suffer from health anxiety but something yesterday and today just snapped. I went on Facbook and messaged a dear friend I met in a psychiatric hospital and she was just brilliant with me, helped me get over it. Now that was God talking, he knew my need even without me specifically praying for help.

I hope this finds you bearing up

Poppy xxx

[Dodo777 in reply to Poppy2015]

I do think sometimes where is god when there is so much suffering but I find I always turn to him in times of hardship.