ex-boyfriend getting me down

This is hard to talk and complicated about so please bare with me ....

Ive recently split up with my boyfriend of 9 years because for the last 2 years he has been unemployed due to him walking out and he feels as if this has caused him to be depressed but now he has a job it has subsided, he said that if anyone know what depression should feel like its me and I said hold on I was severally depressed because of a combination of my TBI, school bulling and verbal abuse from my alcoholic mother so I needed medication to get out of it, I don't believe that his getting a job has cleared the depression as I don't feel that's how it works, depression will stay with you no matter what your situation. I told him I feel a lot of pressure in our relationship because he would never go out and his world revolved around me and if I went out with friends (not that I have many) it would get him down, he never asks me about work or how my life is going as it reminds him of what he did have, since Ive been apart from him for a month I feel as if a weight has lifted off me and Im away from all that negativity as he was making ME depressed (I dreaded going down his house) but he wont leave me alone, he wants to try and see if we will work now he has a job and its not down to him being unemployed, I told him I don't love him and he deserves to be with someone who loves him which isn't me (and I deserve the to be with someone who I love) I am having some much fun being carefree and single, he claims he never put any restrictions on our relationship but asking me to dye my hair and get a 6 pack is a restriction and he originally said it was to spice up our sex life but I beg to differ, he is just realising all the stuff I have been screaming about that is wrong with our relationship for months like we don't go out etc he claims it because he didn't have the money but he had it for drugs and he has admitted that it was wrong of him to hold things against me like I owe him for helping me with my depression or calling people up on my behalf..... I feel as if he it just saying all of these things to win me back but it isn't going to work, its messing me up mentally, it is more complex but I don't have the energy to write it all out of talk about it as the conversations are long and they are the last thing I can focus on after a hard day at work, I cant be bother with it any more.

Am I being too harsh?

I know its my life and no one can tell me what to do but it feels like he is manipulating me to stay with him.

I want to change my number but for some reason I want to be able to talk to him even though 3/4 of me doesn't, I know its his issue to get over me as I have spent many months in the relationship being neglected and unloved so Ive been over him for a long time

What have other people done in this situation?

*edit* he also thinks that any more time apart will do no good but again I beg to differ as having a month apart from him (even though he has been harassing me) has helped me clear my head and distress and I think we do need more time apart but I can put money on it that he sill disagree  

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5 Replies

  • Hi Bexx, sounds like you are going through such a tough time. It's never easy breaking up especially if one of you still wants the relationship to work.

    You sound like a nice person who is now just trying to move on with your life. If you can have your ex in your life without causing you too much grief that's good, but maybe you just need to stop the contact, maybe that could be done in time.

    You deserve to be happy and I think from reading your post you seem happy just now being on your own.

    I wish you all the best x

  • thanks Im trying to be friends with him and the conversation start off nice but then he starts saying how he misses me ect and it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable

  • Probably making you feel a bit drained as well I imagine! It's not easy but you must think of yourself too! 9 years is a long time together mind you so he's probably still clinging on to the hope you will be able to rekindle what you had!

  • Hello

    I think keep it simple

    No matter what others may think this is how you feel and as you clearly seem to no longer want him then say no and mean no by not engaging in conversations with him , removing him of any Social media accounts you may have , changing your phone number if you have to and even if that does not work then you would have to tell him that you would go to the police as you have said no and it is harassment

    All this may seem harsh but if you seriously do not want this person in your life and contacting you then sometimes if someone will not take no for an answer we have to do the above , eventually with all that he should get the message but while ever you keep answering him he is maybe reading it as false hope as he is still getting your attention which can be enough for some to reach this conclusion

    Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind

    So say no and mean no and actions will speak louder than words as they say

    Take Care x

  • I think you answered your own question. You feel better without him. Sounds like its only hitting him now .Whereas you have been thinking about all this for a while x If you feel stronger without him please don't go back. Nine years is a long time .It takes a log time to get over it .But it's not your fault he is only now realising what he had with you x don't let him play with your feelings x stay strong .If you want to still be able to stay in touch do so .But if he starts bothering you tell him you will block his no so he won't be able to contact you. Or just buy some time by telling him that you feel like you need a month or two to decide what to do .Don't play with his feelings just get some space between you both x I know it's a tricky one ! Just thought I'd send a few suggestions as I've been there and got the tee shirt!!!! Stay strong .Don't forget how strong you are . You don't HAVE to be with anyone. Be good to yourself .You deserve it.

    All the best hun M

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