My anxiety! :)

Hello everyone! I'm 19 years old, I've been a drug addict for 5 years, I quit 6 months ago, and I suffer from anxiety. My biggest fear is dying, which is explainable due to the fact that I overdosed on many occasions during my drug spree, but one time it was really bad, I almost died, a traumatic event which really left a scar.. and my father died when I was 1 year old. I assume these two traumatic events are the fuel to my anxiety.

I've been fighting really hard, but not many things have changed.. I don't really get panic attacks nowadays. If something unusual happens I just get to a point where I'm really scared, but I manage to calm myself down before It gets worse. I've been through it so many times, practice makes perfect I guess.. I get all kinds of weird sensations, and aches all over my body, which are also a cause for believing that I will die in the near future. Stuff like very sharp, stabbing headache in the left side of my head, near the temple. Or long lasting headaches, throbbing pain. Feels like a migraine or a cluster headache, or maybe it's a tension one, I don't even know. I'm afraid of having aneurysm or brain tumor. I am afraid of dying because of a cerebral attack since sometimes I feel weird things in my head like blood leaking inside my skull. I am afraid of dying because of a heart attack since I feel all kinds of weird sensations around my chest, sometimes it's a short lasting stabbing pain around my heart, other times it's a dull pain. Also I'm very tense all the time.

Will this ever go away?

Sometimes I break and I get depressed because I feel like I can't take it anymore.

I have trouble falling asleep, but I always use a breathing technique which seems to help. Obviously when I practice it, at night, it feels like I'm never going to fall asleep, but eventually I do. Unfortunatelly the next day, when I wake up, I feel like a zombie, like I've been braught back from the dead. I always need 30 to 60 minutes to recover. Sometimes I wake up and I can't even get out of bed, that's how worn out I feel. I think it's because of the everyday stress and anxiety. It wears me down, and by the end of the day I am drained because of so much awerness of my surroundings and myself. It's like I'm always on edge. I rarely wake up during sleep, usually I just sleep like a brick, but when I do wake up, it really sucks trying to go back to sleep.

Also, I can't sleep at all during the afternoon, because if I do, when I wake up I feel like the whole world just collapsed on my head. I don't know what's up with that. If anyone has an explanation, I'll be glad to read it. :)

Well that's pretty much all, without going into too many details. Looking forward to your opinions.

Best of wishes, morshie

11 Replies

  • Hello

    You are so young yet it seems you have been through so much

    As I read you post you said you were taking drugs for 5 years and are now 19 so that means you started taking them at 14 ?

    Not sure if you are in the UK but I was so shocked wondering how someone so young would have got hold of drugs and how they would have paid for them

    However well done getting clean , did you get any support or have you done it all on your own , which ever way you went about it , it shows you have an inner strength some where among all this anxiety you are feeling

    It can be very common to become addicted to things when we are anxious as you know it blocks it all out but it is never the answer as addiction is dreadful and we are then left with 2 choices either to destroy ourselves with our addiction or get clean ( like you have ) and deal with our anxiety & issues , I think you have made the right choice :-)

    It sound as you were growing up things happened and affected you that never got dealt with and I think now is the time that you should get some Counselling so you can start to deal with everything that has effected you , even if you have had some before or even if you felt it was not helpful , don't write it of it can sometimes take several attempts till it does and eventually you can get so much from it , so think about going to see you Doctor and asking for help

    The headaches you describe could still be some withdrawal symptoms from becoming clean from drugs but no doubt as I have had the same and still do get the same kind of headaches it will be down to anxiety

    Again speak to your Doctor they will give you peace of mind there is nothing physically wrong

    The other feelings as well as anxiety could again be getting used to knowing how to sleep etc with out the influence of a substance to help you and you may find the longer you are clean from drugs your sleeping will become better but anxiety again can also make us feel this way

    You say you are fighting this , sometimes if we can accept it then it is more manageable than trying to fight it because when we fight it we are seeing it as something we fear and that fear grows and creates the anxiety , if we can accept it , then it is not a big a fear and has less control over us

    I really do think you need some therapy and I hope you get some because you deserve it and you are so young , once you have started to get and deal with the root of your problems the anxiety will start to get less and you have all the time in front of you to have a wonderful life :-)

    Take Care x

  • Thank you so much for your insight! Yes, I was 14 when I started, and I even dropped out of school for 2 years beacause of that. So as you can imagine, I have other issues as well. No, I'm not in the UK, but I do live in Europe. I didn't go to rehab, I just quit from one day to another. I did go to the doctor, because the next morning, after I quit, I had a weird feeling in the left side of my head, like something squeezed my brain, it was no pain at all, but suddenly I was going down, and I collapsed to my knees. It was like all energy has left my body, for 2-4 seconds and I almost lost my consciousness. It came out of the blue, I was walking from my room to the kitchen to get some tea. So I went to the neurologist and he sent me to do all kinds of tests like a full blood test, EEG, X-Ray to the left side of my head, where I told him that I had that strange feeling, he also sent me to ophthalmology. He told me everything is fine, but when he looked at the EEG results, he said "Hmm, you're a little bit sensible." I didn't any kind of medication except Omega-3 and MgB6. Vitamins.

    I didn't tell him about my drug issues, I just told him about the headaches and that feeling when I almost lost my consciousness.

  • Also, I've been to a psychologist couple of times. There I talked about my problems and she said some things that also helped me a little bit, but that was long after I quit. I went there like 2 months ago, and we would meet twice a week. :)

  • Hello

    Do you have meetings where you are for recovering addicts ?

    We do in the UK and again it can be a great support :-)

    Very positive that all your results were fine and you can find that drug addicts as well as Alcoholics when they get dry they are lacking in Vitamins so they would have done you good

    I am sure you are not dying , no one has died with anxiety , drugs maybe but not anxiety & now you are clean and a day at a time will stay clean and learn how to deal with everything that you are feeling , it takes time so give yourself that time

    Keep talking & posting when you need support , it really helps :-) x

  • Hi,

    It sounds like you have had such an awful and traumatic time. I'm genuinely really sorry for the terrible time that you have had. You have been extremely and incredibly brave and wise from deciding to quit the drugs. You should be really proud of yourself as this must of been an unexplainably difficult decision to make. I've never taken drugs so I can't really help with the withdrawing part, but I really do hope I can help you through this terrible time, I'm a 20 year old girl who has Anxiety, Depression and ADHD.

    Although it may seem impossible to imagine now, but things WILL get better, I promise you. It may not be a journey as easy as you would of liked but you will get there. Do you still get suidical now? Or is this purely in the past?

    Have you gone to your GP about the symptoms you have had? It is good to hear you have tried breathing techniques, have you tried listening to classical music whilst you are in bed? Classical FM or Mozart in youtube is good.

    Have you thought about also getting CBT? Your GP can arrange this for you, it is all about changing the thought process and I think it may help you with your traumatic events that you have had. You can also self- refer yourself for italk, this is a self referral counselling telephone service. You will initially be assessed over the phone and then they will arrange a care plan for you.

    In most towns there are also Mind groups. These are places of support for people with mental illness and you can talk to counsellors there or attend events. Some of the events may be sport activities or coffee mornings with other people who have had a hard time.

    I'm in this with you, best wishes



  • Thank you very much for your support and your kind words, Freya. It means a lot! :) I tried listening to classical music, but it just gets me agitated. It's like I'm not in the mood and I don't have patience. I feel I cannot combine anything else with sleeping really. What I do sometimes, is that I put on a movie on my laptop, and I just fall asleep. But I risk waking myself up again. Last night I didn't feel tired at all, I knew I was going to have a hard time falling asleep, and so I started watching a movie. But I didn't fall asleep. So I decide to just do this the old fashioned way, I decided not to run and trick myself into falling asleep, but to try and calm down, stop moving and just breathe deeply. And it worked. That's my other issue, I'm pretty hyper. And I multitask more than a woman. I'm really active and I don't know how to slow down a little bit and relax. That's why I also used drugs, in the last 1 or perhaps 2 years. To break from reality and press pause for a couple of hours. You know? ..

  • I'm glad you found a method in the end that helped, have you tried drinking herbal teas or/and sleeping drinks like Horlicks? Does reading or having a bath help?

  • No, I haven't. Reading does help, baths I haven't tried honestly. I usually shower in the morning, after I wake up. It helps me get back to normal during zombie mode.

  • Have you tried lavender sprays? I have the same problem with sleep and when I remember to use it on my pillow its actually quite effective

  • Really? I'll try that one out, and the tea as well. Thanks. :D

  • I read your comment and the trouble you had. I can relate for sure. I've been through it knowingly for 10 years. My anxieties have mellowed over that time and I do not have the severe panicky feelings I once had. My anxieties graduated into GAD, General Anxiety Disorder which means I deal with it from a day to day basis but with a more milder version. The feelings you were saying about that one day something bothers you and then another day something else bothers you...well, I know that feeling all too well. lol

    Your approaching it very well and I do have good days, months etc.. now. It does get better trust me. Some people have it, never have it again. I wish that was the case for myself but I will take this over what I had any day of the week. Even today, I had heart flutters or feeling like my heart is not beating right. It seems like its a newer feeling of another condition but that is how anxieties work. I walk, run and workout and I am in decent shape for 59. I had a stress test several times and everything else and was told I am in very good shape with no blockage. Still, I doubt myself and the results at times. THats normal but the difference now is that most of the time I realize what I am going through and let it pass through me. Recognize what it is and go on with my day. The breathing techniques are the key I feel. It calms you down and you have to stay focused on the here and now.

    I read up on a lot of this and it helped me a great deal. Therapy is also good. Did that for awhile and it made me feel more relaxed with what is going on in my mind. What causes these feelings. Write things down when problems occur and when you solve something that you feel, write that down too and look back at it when it happens again a year from now or whatever.

    Anxiety at times makes you feel like your losing it but cannot be farther from the truth. You are more aware of things than most people because thats what it does to your thoughts. Its what they call fight or flight for men. Just realize your not alone and we understand too. Keep away from the stuff that maybe brought that on you in the first place. That is why I cannot smoke pot since that is what brought that on me in the first place. Alcohol and too much caffeine brings it on I found also. ANyway good luck and hang in there buddy. My son also has anxieties and takes meds for it. He deals very well with it and is a several years older than you. Take care.

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