Severe Crippling Anxiety

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember started around 2004ish, started with odd feelings some that I can't even describe, back then I had no idea what the hell it was, my first panic attack was the scariest thing I've ever felt because I had no idea what it was, I remember having to have the TV on to sleep, just so I could hear voices if I woke up through the night, after that first attack I was never the same again, the derealization kicked in, I'd be sat in the living room and all of a sudden the strange feeling that I was sinking in the chair came over me, the panic aka fight or flight would start, then that would lead to the one thing I did best running away and hiding in my bedroom. After a while the feelings kinda disappeared I ended up having a healthy time at college, in 2004 at the time I was 16 years old. I'm 26 now, in 2005 I lost my father and that was the floodgates for it all to come back with a vengeance this time I was locked in my bedroom, constant uncomfortable feelings in my body, feeling of uneasiness legs like jelly, head like it was in space, I was beyond dizzy I felt I was locked in some kind of breakdown, with the bereavement on top of it too it was a complete nightmare, the worse I got to was being unable to walk across the upstairs landing to the toilet without linking onto somebody's arm for support for some reason I just could not walk anywhere without feeling I was going to collapse, being in the bathroom was hell I'd feel pure panic and couldn't wait to get out, this went on for months, I was a complete utter mess, this went on till well into 2006, I eventually with encouragement, get to the doctors and get put through for cognitive behaviour therapy, I was also referred for group therapy but because the room was so open and the whole sitting in a circle thing triggered off a panic attack which meant I wouldn't go back for it, in the end one to one CBT and Anxiety Management was offered, the first stage didn't work, in the end I tried my own way of dealing with it, by 2007 I was living a more comfortable life still unable to really go anywhere without a car and someone with me, but I have a disability that leads me to be quite housebound anyway, then in 2008 I had a wobble and was referred for a refresher CBT course it did work to some degree, at the time I had terrible OCD the kind omg if I lost an item something bad would happen, the fear of number 13, etc this is the first time I've ever wrote about my anxiety and the nightmare I deal with, and my current state has lead me to write about it and reach out so to speak, for years I'd been free of the really nasty anxiety that leads to the horrible feelings and panic attacks at the slightest thing until 27th of December 2014, I'd been at my mums for Christmas was OK, I felt a bit if depression on and off through the festive period but I sometimes do because a lot of bad things have happened around Xmas, but that's besides the point on the 27th I became I'll with some sort of chest infection, dizzy head restricted me upstairs with it I felt really poorly for a week, after that cleared up the dizzy, headrush feeling stayed, I had a massive panic attack coming down stairs and it carried on the whole time I was down stairs one morning a few weeks ago, I sat in the kitchen and it just felt like the kitchen was lifting up and I was sinking, I stood up and felt like I was walking on a trampoline, the whole ordeal has scared me enough to be stuck upstairs, the thought of walking downstairs makes me physically shake and the nerves are bad enough to keep me upstairs, even now as I'm writing this I'm stuck in my bedroom my head feels light and all I can hear is like I static hissing sound in my ears, I'm writing this also to see if anybody else has ever suffered this level of anxiety, I'm scared now because all but a few weeks ago I had none of this, I'm terrified of the dark I live alone and have done for a few years now I'm terrified of being alone, I can be laid in bed and I get this serious uneasy feeling like I need to hold on to the side of my mattress or something it may sound crazy, but this is what's going on with my body at the moment and I really don't know how to deal with it alone, I sometimes get this one feeling that scares me too and that's like I can't feel myself, it's happened a few times in the last few weeks once whilst going down stairs which lead to a massive attack, this feeling really does scare me as I don't know what causes it after it passes I just violently shake like a leaf for ages, anyway this is an insight of over 10 years with this and a huge relapse, it's a long read, but I wanted to write a bit about my history with GAD I am suffering with derealization again atm too which makes it harder to deal with I just not sure who I am atm.

5 Replies

  • What brought all this on ??

  • I really wish I knew I do worry a lot but I've been worrying for years even after the first episode of anxiety but like I said from 2008 to 2014 it had gone, this episode I just don't understand every post I read on the internet never ever relates to the severity of my anxiety, then I start thinking oh god is there something more wrong with me is it just anxiety...

  • Yes I have all the excact things you say, it started in June 2014 after I had a panic attack before I went overseas, now every day since I have felt scared, always feel sick and like I'm going to die it sucks

  • Hi Kaylee-Lou

    So sorry for what you've been going through. I just wanted to reassure you you are not alone. Anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia are a lot more common than you think and you do right to talk about it. By learning that you're not the only one, can be reassuring. Sharing experiences with others can help diffuse it sometimes. I have been where you are and so as my sister. I am in my 50s now and the things that have helped me are avoiding the things that cause me panic and anxiety. Some people say it is bad to avoid but by avoid I don't mean avoid forever, but when you have been in a period of sustained anxiety and panic it helps to have some time out eg if you are in a stressful job, college environment or whatever. Not everyone would agree, some people think that sets up a patten of avoidance so you have to do what is best for you. But the important thing is not to beat yourself up if you can't do something once. In my experience it doesn't mean you will never be able to do it.

    The other thing that has helped me is medication. Again, this doesn't work for everybody, but I am lucky in that I am able to take tranquillisers occasionally, for those times when you really need them. If you take them every day then they will cease to be effective because we build up a tolerance. You may also find a course of anti-depressants will help. Again, I can only speak for what's helped me. Paroxetine (low dose) really helped me subtly (though I have put on weight). But it just helps to control and short circuit that terrible anxiety which is crippling and debilitating. That doesn't mean I can suddenly do loads of stuff that I couldn't before but I do have a handle on it. Try talking to your GP on the phone, if you're OK with phones.

    I can tell you, I am terrible with chairs that don't have arms, and can't sit in a restaurant unless the chair is against a wall. I've had the feelings of fearing collapsing when walking along and needing to hold on to someone else and/or the wall. But when you are feeling anxious it is a lot worse.

    I hope you find some help and support. You're not alone and don't have to suffer alone.

    All the best


  • Well I've had drealization for six months straight and I know the only way to get rid of it is to not focus on it. That's why you often hear people say, "oh I've had this for years." It's usually due to them being unable to accept is as just being harmless and the brain's defense mechanism which is activated when under stress. You can message me on it and I can give you aall the info o it. My anxiety began after I crashed my body,mooing really hard work outs and not eating so great. (I'm not anorexic or was trying to lose weight, I would just forget)

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