Learning to live with Agoraphobia

I've suffered with depression since I was 14, GAD since I was sexually assaulted in 2010 and Agoraphobia since I was sexually harassed at work mid-august.

So far i've been managing to get out of the house and have extended my 'safe' places to include my local areas. However since last sunday i've experienced a few setbacks.

First was being triggered by watching an episode of The Walking Dead that involved an attempted rape. I could see it coming but that didn't really make it any easier for me to watch. I sat transfixed to the spot, my chest tightening and my heart racing. I spent that night crying before finally drifting off to sleep with the help of some Nytol.

Later in the week I had an appointment with a sexual assault referral centre which, whilst a step in the road to recovery, was not a pleasant experience. Whilst I wasn't nervous about talking about my experiences I did encounter a slight problem with location. The middle of the city centre, at lunch hour on a heavily student populated street. I managed the walk but i've noticed i'm nervous when I go out again.

And my latest hump; a job interview. So needless to say I want to get out of security because I really can't handle that **** right now. I've been looking into admin work and received a phone call for a position. The interview is tomorrow and i'm now debating whether to go (i'm forcing myself to go regardless). I'm nervous and anxious. I'm going to be going into an environment with which I am unfamiliar. This has got me questioning myself. I'm also angry that I feel this way. I'm angry that my boss hasn't been in contact whilst i've been signed off and fed up of chasing information on what's happening re the guy who did this to me.

I'm sat here crying wishing I could stop but knowing that it needs to come out.

2 Replies

  • Hey there sorry u feel like this. I also have been raped in the past. I have reacted dofferently where I kinda deny it... im agrophobic at the moment but not due to that. I thinknits better to be angry to motivate urseld to gain control over ur owb life again. Let it out and say yeah im scared about my new job but im gonna go and im gonna be positive about it ! U can do it :) feel free to message me whenever as i never sleep. Xx

  • It sounds best for you not to chase up the guy who did this to you. It gives you something to focus on now but what happens when you do get all the information you want? You may feel lost.

    Yeah, there will be times when you will remember the attack, it will be unexpected, like in programmes. And this programme has made you feel terrified. I'm sorry that so much has happened to you. I really feel for you.

    Try to look at the new job in a positive way. It's a new start for you, a chance to achieve something. Keep in mind that everyone is scared to start a new job. I freaked when I got to my new job and realised it was where my ex had worked. It felt horrible to be in the same office he worked in, with the same people (I always have trouble letting go of things, my condition makes me become attached). But I faced it and now I am ok with it (plus it helps that most people here thought he was a twat!).

    So just try to approach this new job as an opportunity for you to heal. Your boss may well love you and offer you a promotion, you never know. It doesn't hurt to dream.

    Try to forget the bastard that did this to you. I know that's hard as you probably have nightmares about him. But don't let him win. Don't let him take your mind as well as what he took from you that night. You will be all the more stronger for it.

    Remember, there is nothing wrong with having bad days. It's ok to cry yourself to sleep sometimes, it's the mind's way of coping with the bad in life. Just don't let this horrible thing continue to ruin your life. Go into that new job with pride. You are living through a lot and you deserve for something nice to happen!

    Take care, and good luck in your job xx

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