Does anyone else have agoraphobia and can I ask how it effects your life?
I am 37, married and a mum to 3 children. 4 years ago I was attacked by my brother and my mother and sisters resented me for not forgiving him, causing me severe anxiety and depression due to their abusive messages for the following 2 years. I slowly became agoraphobia and socially anxious as I didn't trust anyone anymore. I had therapy, went on Mirtazapine and overcame the agoraphobia.
Then a year ago I had fatigue issues and slowly I became quite unwell, my son was also unwell due to bullying and it all got on top of me and my anxiety returned along with agoraphobia and now social anxiety. I was so unwell I rarely could go out due to the huge energy crashes and fatigue. It led to me hiding away from the world, too ill to be out. I did the school run then went home. Being unable to work on the anxiety and agoraphobia due to the health complications I had it's become quite deep seated and I now feel so guilty I can't take my children to their appointments, parents evenings etc.. hubby does and i beat myself up as I was back doing all those things again. I feel bad we don't go to the cinema as a family, restaurants etc again all since I became ill this last year. My husband takes them to the cinema and big things I cant manage. We did a family holiday last summer an hour away which was lovely and I make sure we still do that.
I know once my health improves I can get back out there and do the exposure work I did a few years ago, it's just so hard having chronic fatigue. In the last 2 months I do walk my dog a few times a week alone, a shop once or twice a week with hubby, so i am doing it again around my health. I just compare myself to other mothers and wives every day, worry what if I never get better physically and can't work on the agoraphobia. What if i can't go to my childrens graduations and weddings.... I beat myself up so much every day and I need to learn to accept all of this but i am struggling since the agoraphobia returned. I went back to therapy in the summer and she made me feel even worse saying she couldn't understand why I'd let myself become agoraphobic again. It wasn't something I chose, being ill brought it all flooding back.
I am even socially anxious now and even get panicky and anxious if my dad or a friend wants to visit, I shake, go hot, dizzy... it's awful. So upsetting as I was back doing all of that again, living life, talking to mums by the school. Driving to Costa alone and geting a hot chocolate reward, small shops alone, appointments etc... I now can't do appointments again and my GP had to come to my house twice last year and once to do a blood test. I am devastated as I was back doing all my appointments again, I got my life back after the attack.
Can anyone relate? I live in fear of needing hospital treatment, everytime i have an energy crash I get anxious about needing a doctor or what if I faint and need to go to hospital... everything boils down to this agoraphobia again. It's tough. I am trying to accept my chronic illness but I still beat myself up for having anxiety again. I wish I could find a way to stop doing that and just accept myself. I am a loving mother and wife and they're my world, I do my best for them all. I coped being ill all last year on my own, no help, I still got my kids to school even on severe crash days. Hubby worked long hours and my mother refused to support me. I should be proud of who I am and what i am doing.